i went for a nap, I felt a bit down earlier and wanted to be on my own for a while.

I dreampt my mother found out everything I'd been saying about her to my pdoc. She was ranting and raving and slammed the phone down. I tried to call back, but in my dream just couldn't dial the correct number. It's really upset me as I have draughted a letter to send to her to give me some space as I am going through quite intensive therapy and she triggers me. It's written in a nice way just asking for her to respect my wishes and to not be in touch until I'm ready. I haven't sent it yet.
She has been trying to make amends recently and is in denial about the abuse, I feel quite anxious now, and guilty, I dont think I can do this to her. Any suggestions? She is narcississtic according to my pdoc, never wrong and still puts me down a lot.

I'm torn, guilty, sad and just wish I could get rid of this darned anxious feeling after the dream. Other things happened in the dream too, I had called her and she shouted about never being able to watch the programmes she likes on tv cos the phone kept ringing, so I shouted at her and told her I'd just leave her alone then. My mum has always been selfish and put me last in the past when I was a child and now in the present. Sorry to rant, must be on my mind.

Jinny

[recluse1]

((((((((kerry)))))))))

dear sweet Kerry, it is high time someone put you first. if that is what you need to do then you must do it. and there should be no guilt or shame attached to you trying to get better. you have to put yourself first sometimes. especially when others will not. it is how we survive.

wishing you all the best my friend. the anxiety will pass and you will feel yourself empowered for taking a stand for yourself.

love you hunni
recluse1

my mum called and I eneded up crying on the phone and telling her I needed space and that it isn't the end or anything I just need time while I'm going through therapy. She agreed not to get in contact but she will send me a birthday card and a Christmas card etc. I feel guilty like I knew I would, she respects my wishes and took it quite well, although I know she will be upset.

She still thinks it's all about my abuser and not what she put me through, she is in denial I think.

Anyway, I feel better and worse if that makes sense. I know she is there for me she said that. But she has to learn to stop putting me down and critisising me.

Jin xx

[Psyclox]

(((((((Jinny)))))))

Ur mother will always b there 4 u, thats what mothers r 4, I really hope u feel better. Sending u a HUG.

(((((((((psyclox)))))))))))

thankyou sweetie, nice to see you again, hugging you back, I needed that, ty.

love, Jinny xoxoxoxoxo

[sarahxxkristine]

this isnt a dream...but lately everytime i lay down to bed and close my eyes...i picture ways of killing myself....its odd....maybe its a fascination...but honestly i would never kill myself...yet...everytime i lay down....i picture ways of me dying/ ways to committ suicide... im not sure what it means