[Duchess]

At this momment I feel so lost, discouraged and fustrated. I feel as if there is no one around me who could understand what I've been feeling. I guess the holidays have taken there toll on me. also the fact that I have not worked in 5 months and have absoultly no money to get anybody anything. I have moved out of my apartment, seeing how my mother said she would share my car that I gave her with me and that she would be understanding towards what I'm going threw. The past month that I have been home she's been pressuring me to get a job. but, at the same time I'm very limited to the area and time. so I can fit it around her schedule which is 9-5. virtually impossible to find a job from 9:30 - 4:30. it really looks like I have to go back into the automotive Industrie just to have what I had. It fustrates me and upsets me because I have no stability anywhere in the industrie and it partly has to do with the fact that I'm a woman and old politics that where spread about me. I get the worst anxiety just driving by a dealership but for now it looks like I have no choice. all my friends around me are getting married and starting there lives. makes me wounder if there is something wrong with me. I can't stop botteling everything up. I sit there at night in the dark next to my boyfriend my mind just races and I stare into the darkness with tears falling to my side. I can't help but wonder how my life is going to turn out. I feel trapped and angry. at my mothers house sleeping is impossible even if I did get sleepy, my mother has a boyfriend who is about 30. I keep my distance and hardley talk to him. I was molested at the age of 9 by my x-stepfather and don't feel I can trust any man. I just want to prevant anything that could happen b/c I know he's a womenizer and an Alcholic. my mother never believed me the first time when I told her I was molested. the more I'm at home the more angrier I get at her.Being away from home made our relationship alot better.now it's just falling apart. I don't feel safe there, I want my privicy back in the worst way.I have my boyfriends x- mas party tommorow and I'v been up all night trying to figure out a way to get out of it. all the people that I usto work with will be there, everyone asking me what I'm doing.I'v lost everything. I feel so week and it makes me so angry. I donno why I take everything so personal, I make myself sick. gotta go just needed to vent

When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love have always won. there have been tyrants & murderers, and for a time they can be invincible, but in the end they always fall.think of it... always. Mohandas Gandhi...

[soscared]

Hi Duchess
It sound like your not in a good place right now and you need to get away if there is any possible way of doing that.
Is there anyway you can qualify for a disability or some other form of income while you are feeling this way.
I kinow here where I live you can apply for subsidsed housing and only pay a portion of waht you monthly income is, it is real cheap.
Being around someone who triggers you is not healthy, as you probably already know.
Going back to a job that make you feel so anxious is probably not healthy for you at this time either.
It is good that you have a boyfrind to talk to.
Your mother not acknowledging that you were molested is not good, sounds like she has a lot of issues to work on herself,( repeating familiar bahaviuors)
Putting herself and you in jeporody.
Try and find someway to get out of there, it is probably only going to get worse for your health and you need to take care of you!!!
Don't mean to sound so negative, but I am conserned for you and your saftey(mentally/emotionally)
X-mas can be such a hard time because it is so commercialised and it makes people who don't have much money or any money feel so much worse.
I kinow right now I am having a hard time to with X-mas, it used to be fun when I had money and family/friend around, now it is a lot different and I do not look forward to it anymore.
Take Care of #1 YOU.!!!!!!!
Let us know how youare doing o-kay

[Duchess]

Thank you for your concern, Donna. although I know I'm not comfortable at my mothers house, which has to do with my child hood abuse. I know that I am alot older now and I highly doubt that he would attempt anything. just my sub-consious mind filling up my head with old GARBAGE that I wish to forget. but in a way,Yes he does trigger me. my moms just stubburn and oldschool, Although at times she may not understand me it's b/c we are too alike. she is a great mother and I wouldn't exchange her for the world. I don't blame her for what happened in the past. In some ways I know she has men Issues and she has been threw alot within her years. she's been with this guy for a little over 6 yrs, he treats her very well and doesn't hit her and he's not around that much.so I respect him for that. Most of the time I just feel very insecure around any man. at times even my boyfriend who is my best friend. I will be moving out in March. my boyfriend and I will be buying a condo. so, starting Jan. 2. I will be back in the Automotive industrie/ only for a short while till I pick myself back up. where I;m going I know I'll be treated with respect and not like a pion. again thank you so much for your concern it means the world to me.

When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love have always won. there have been tyrants & murderers, and for a time they can be invincible, but in the end they always fall.think of it... always. Mohandas Gandhi...