[bekthar]

I guess I'm in a really rough point right now because I know that my life is kind of shambles right now. I'm doing badly in classes and in the process of getting counseling AGAIN (f@#% out of state insurance!) and... I dunno. I don't even want to talk about the trauma anymore because it's all so ****ing stupid yet every single part of my life is about it. Trying to make new memories and do things the "normal" way (sixteen credit classes, taking on positions, studying with certain people at certain times) just because so much of last year (and my life) hasn't been anything TYPICAL.

I'm filing for special circumstances/disability within the school and it's frustrating because I know I HAVE to because I CAN'T handle my courseload now (will make me eligible for financial aid continuation if I need to stay an extra year due to reduced credit hours) but I don't want to explain "yeah I can't handle sixteen credit semesters so I get all 12-13 and have to stay longer". I'm embarrassed to have PTSD at this point because I don't want to talk about it, or be reminded of it, or come up with excuses as to why I can't/don't do things...

Sorry for the rant I just really hate my PTSD right now, more than anything in the world.

[lostgman]

It took me a long time to even accept the fact that I have PTSD. I understand hating it and hating the way it affects your life. It feels like anger on top of anger sometimes. I would get mad at the fact that my brain just wasn't working the way it used to...I still do. Why can't I just process this and move on? Why can't I handle life the way I used to? Having to tell people about it makes it even worse. I had to make changes in my life that I didn't want to make because of PTSD. It sucks, but I can tell you that with time...therapy...and work...it can get better.

Besides the anger, something I see in your post is that you aren't giving up. Sure you are having to slow down or change things a little and it's frustrating, but you aren't giving up. Maybe fewer credit hours will help you do better in the classes you are taking. You're doing what you have to do to keep moving forward. That's something to feel good about.

Rant and vent all you want...we all need to do that from time to time. Get it out and keep moving forward. You can do this.



Gman

[Open Eyes]

lostgman is right, it is great that you are still going forward with your life. I am impressed because I know PTSD can make it more challenging. I am not the same either, I have to go easy with the reading too. I find I get tired faster now when I read, however it "is" relaxing if you don't "pressure" yourself.

Yes, less is better, because it will mean less stress. It really takes time to gain more control over the PTSD, so be patient with yourself.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[Little Me]

Becca, people are more understanding than we think. I understand not wanting to do the paperwork and the explaining and how tiring that all is. They have the paperwork for a reason and that is to help people. You need help and that is fine and ok and necessary. You have a desire to succeed that is easy to see but sometimes in order to succeed adjustments have to be made. I've made so many adjustments and have gotten so annoyed with myself only to come back to..... it was necessary. I try try try to not be so hard on myself and learn to accept that some limitations are in fact so very good and healthy. My "normal" way wasn't and isn't always best. I've learned some neat and interesting things about myself because of ptsd. Not pleasant but when I keep my mind open that different and slower is okay and will still allow me to reach certain goals then I am happier.

I hope this day brings you some peace. Keep believing in yourself Becca.