[Hellion]

I am rather confused as to whether the main event I attribute my PTSD to(lockdown in which a student I knew was killed) was actually the 'cause' or if it was just a worsening of it like if maybe I had developed it even before that based on other experiances such as when I attempted suicide at 15 or had a run in with the cops at the same age when trying to do the right thing and turn in the person they were looking for(she was supposedly my friend, and wrote something that was taken as a threat on the wall and then was trying to make it look like I did it...so I went and told them it was her and then they were trying to prosecute me and my mom told me one cop was threatening to have me arrested which scared me quite a bit), its a complicated story so I wont go into it all here. Or I wonder if some previous trauma or prolonged exposure to negative environments/situations simply made me more prone to develop PTSD.

And before the age of 15 I was dealing with constant bullying and ostracism through various schools, we moved a lot and even moving to another school at the end of the year never helped I still faced the same problems. Also some incidents of teachers singling me out or contributing to the ostracism/bullying stick out in my memory.

So I suppose its confusing to me if all that just made me more prone to developing PTSD from what happened at my school, or if I maybe already had symptoms and that just re-tramatized me thus making it all worse. I don't expect anyone can really tell me an exact 100% accurate answer to this....but its on my mind so if anyone has simular confusion or anything to say on this matter go for it.

[Open Eyes]

Hi Hellion,

Here is a link to PTSD from bullying. Why don't you try to read through it and see if it applies to you?

http://www.bullyonline.org/stress/ptsd.htm

I found this a while back and it helped me alot.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[Hellion]

Hmm it is intresting so far, though I have to say the chart of differences between mental illness and psychiatric injury seem potentially inaccurate to some extent. I've read from many sources and even when I took an abnormal psychology class in college that a lot of times mental illnesses like depression and anxiety can make one more likely to get PTSD...so not sure about where it says there is often no history of depression even in the family. And I am not so sure about looking forward to each new day as its not uncommon to feel like there's nothing to look forward to...or refusing to give up or be beaten though that just seems kind of subjective and depends on perspective to some extent. In my case a lot of things in the mental illness and psychiatric injury catagories both apply to me.

So that bit is rather confusing, haven't gotten through the rest yet.

[Open Eyes]

Yeah, it is long to read. I know what you mean about the confusion about the lists too. I pretty much fit well into the hypervigilance list myself. Not everything exactly applies to me though. I do have an extreme amount of empathy for others and I have been that way most of my life. My therapist tells me I am the kind of victim that will step in for others who hurt while some victims shy away and wont want to get near it. I just learned that this past week, something I didn't know, only if I see abuse I do step up to the plate.

I think that PTSD is often like other disorders, it may be in a kind of spectrum from mild to severe. I have had some severe symtoms but that comes from not only being bullied but also raped and CSA and so I can experience strong surges of extreme anger if I am around someone who plays head games with me even after I say "leave me alone" and am assertive about it. I have met some people that experience complete white outs where they can get violent and not even remember. I would have to say that is very severe.

I was thinking about how you struggled when you tryed to go to college, that may come from that history of bullying in school. I could not go to a big college, I had to go to something much smaller. I didn't realize what that meant at the time though. That may be something you might want to consider yourself.

Open Eyes

[Hellion]

Yeah that could be another factor that interfered with college, though I think the lockdown also factors into that a lot. Being on a campus reminds me too much of that even though a college campus and public school are hardly the same thing.

[Open Eyes]

Well remember, it says "avoids anything that can be a reminder of a tramatic experience". So yes there could be a trigger involved with that.

[OutofTune]

Sounds like years of trauma led to your current state. I experienced the same problem with bullying. Teachers were of no help - they assumed I was the bad kid since everyone hated me. I know it made my already existing PTSD much worse.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by OutofTune

Sounds like years of trauma led to your current state. I experienced the same problem with bullying. Teachers were of no help - they assumed I was the bad kid since everyone hated me. I know it made my already existing PTSD much worse.

Sometimes it was so bad I couldn't even mind my own buisiness completely without people going out of their way to make me feel excluded. I couldn't very well do anything about it either as me vs. the herd would have likely not ended well for me. Some teachers I had were alright though they didn't really do much about the situation either, not sure what they could have done.

I mean I even found out during the lockdown that was the major tramatic event that really kind of outdoes the others...that I was thought of as someone who would potentially be the cause of such a thing. Then when of course everyone found out I wasn't the psychopath with the gun they still thought I couldn't possibly be at all affected let alone traumatized. If I had been open about it everyone would have accused me of just trying to get attention so I had no choice but to sort of keep it to myself.