History is repeating itself...

....another sleepy community shattered by the actions of a deranged man with a grudge. Please forgive my self-indulgent posting, it feels inappropriate and selfish given the circumstances, but I need to vent and I think this is the only place with people who would understand...

I can never understand my reaction to events like this. I remember very little of that day in Dunblane - don't know how much I saw, don't know how much I was affected by it at the time. I do know that until I was a teenager I had thought it was a one-off, and I was devastated when I found out that several similar events have happened. Ever since, whenever another one gets in the news I seem to alternate between trying to avoid it completely and obsessively trying to find out everything I can about it.

Today seems to be one of the obsessively-trying-to-find-out-everything days. The weird thing is that in the past I would have ended up making myself feel physically ill by reading about it, but today I just feel sort of numb, at least while I'm actually reading the reports. That's new, and in a weird way I suppose it's some sort of progress. But it's past midnight here, and I'm scared to log off my computer because I know it's going to stick in my mind, and thinking about it makes me feel worse than reading about it. I realise that probably doesn't make much sense, I don't understand it either.

Now that I'm not reading about it I'm having a chance to think, but I don't know if I'm upset, angry, scared or what. Wishing I wasn't alone right now, though.

I thought of you today. You're in my thoughts.

Thanks roseleigh. I'm scared to try and sleep.

(((Rio))),

Shock is when we just don't know how to feel. When something like this happens it is such a complete surprise that people struggle to put a feeling to it. It is not just you or that something is wrong with you, and it is normal to "want to know" what happened and try to understand it.

I am struggling to wrap my mind around this, I live in this state, have worked with children in this area, and I just can't imagine how the people in this town are finding their way though this awful and horrid event.

You don't have to think you should feel a certain way about these devestating events.
People don't truely know how to process something like this.

((((Reasuring Hugs))))
Open Eyes

Thanks Open Eyes.

I am thinking of you, too. I understand being scared.It's okay to do things to soothe yourself, like staying online and in connection with people.

Thanks skeksi. I managed to get to sleep in the end - horrible dream, but I expected that...

When I am having reexperiencing and more symptoms, it sometimes helps to write down what I can do to manage my feelings. I can't remember, otherwise. What are you doing to feel safe this weekend?

Sorry I missed your reply earlier - I spent the weekend with my boyfriend, who was mostly able to keep me away from all the news about it. Feeling calmer this week.

I am here. We are here You are not alone.

But it's past midnight here, and I'm scared to log off my computer because I know it's going to stick in my mind, and thinking about it makes me feel worse than reading about it.

I understand exactly what you mean. I do that, as well.

I am glad you were able to spend some time with your bf and that you are feeling calmer

I'm really glad to read that you are feeling better about it now. Reminders are scary, but the fear passes, eventually.