[Sigster66]

Besides having nightmares lately and waking up in panic attack mode I feel I am in a catch 22 financially and in my marriage. My income just dropped over 1K per month and I don't feel safe. I am not sure if we can make the bills and my wife's gonna blame it on my disability as she already has and yet she plans a Christmas Vacation and will over spend on the kids which may leave me without funds for next month's medical bills. I really do love her and want to be with her 95 % of the time but 5% of the time she can be unbearable. I guess it's hard being a survivor of abuse married to someone who was spoiled and never suffered a trauma in their life. She really can't empathize.

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[Open Eyes]

((Sigster)),

I am soooo sorry that you are feeling all this pressure. I have been struggling in a similar way so I know the challenge and the holidays should not be so stressful this way.

Do you have a therapist? If so, can you ask the therapist to talk to your wife? I emailed my T yesterday because I have been struggling so much and my husband has literally been a bear about it. I truely hate how hard it is to explain to others that I genuinely struggle and it simply gets me to a point where I can't concentrate and function.

You have to try to sit your wife down and be honest about your worries and that you both have to sit and plan your finances so you don't have to feel the pressure and lack of safety you have been experiencing. The Christmas vacation should get cancelled and you both should see if you can plan some small day trips near where you live instead. Your wife needs to realize that a vacation and overspending isn't worth the price of the two of you getting into debt you cannot keep up with.

You have said here that in your past you have been "a victim" so what that means is that you have a "victim mentality". From what you are saying here, I can see that you try very hard "not to rock the boat" and you take it upon yourself to suffer in silence. Well, I struggle with that myself, and I know that is a real challenge and it runs so deep and is not an easy fix. And if you have been married for a while, your wife is used to you "taking these hits and getting "her" way".

I have to say that I try to push myself to give my opinions on things and put myself out there and everytime I do that I genuinely struggle with feelings of "fear" that go way back for me. So it is no easy task for me to speak up, and other people simply do not understand how truely difficult it is for me and that I often fight such a deep internal battle. For me I am not only fighting for a voice of my own to "others", I am also fighting myself in a way most people cannot even grasp or understand unless they too suffer from PTSD that goes back to a history of abuse. And there is often such a deep feeling of "inner guilt and defeat" when finally "standing up for self", I know this well. But, you have to understand that you are truely "not" failing when you do this, standing up for self and learning to change this belief that you have to "absorb" the problem and be the stronger one to keep a peace has to change. You have to understand that this is "victim mentality" and that you now have to work on slowly overcoming it. Yes, it is very hard and such an emotional challenge, and it does present a strong feeling of defeat that you somehow "have to stand up" and "cant just take the task of sacrificing self to keep the peace".

Hun, you have to take the steps to learning how to finally "self empower" gradually, and I know it is a very real challenge. In trama therapy, we learn all about how trama has damaged us, we have to grieve it, and then we have to slowly work on "self empowering" and that means we have to find ways to finally verbalize our own needs and at the same time working through the emotional/internal struggle that happens when we "do" work on the new voice that communicates our needs instead of just "self sacrificing to keep the peace". YES, it is a lot of work, hard work that others do not understand or appreciate or cooperate with it the way we need them to. It does help to have a therapist that can talk to these others and explain it and advise them how to support you while you work on this.

So, please make a plan to sit with your wife and discuss with her that you are concerned and that together you both have to take the responsible way of addressing your very "real" financial concerns.

I know it is hard hun, but you can come here and talk, ask, vent, and get support if you need it. You need to know that you are not alone in this challenge, it is difficult, but you do deserve to learn how to be "strong" and not feel the defeat if you do "rock that boat".

And hun, I know that it seems to feel "easier" just to give in, I have that problem too. But I also know that I can't keep doing that because it is costing me too much both emotionally and even physically.
You could financially afford to "give in" before, but you can't now and you should "not" be suffering because of this.

((((Caring Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[Sigster66]

Thank you deeply Open Eyes! You hit the nail on the head. I try and keep the peace and end up the scape goat that is toxic mentally and physically. It does not help that my wife has Borderline traits and discussions how ever plain and non confrontational can become all or nothing ones. I used to live my life one foot out the door but now I give too much power and take too much crap. I don't know which is worse. At least when I had a foot out the door I had a plan B and idle threats to leave did not devastate me. Maybe it's because I am still healing from a bad episode and not working for the first time in 10 years but that's no excuse to be treated as a doormat.

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[Open Eyes]

At least you are seeing "what others do not know "how" to do". That is important so that you understand not to "blame self". The plan B right now needs to be learning how to "self care" inspite of how others "behave badly because they simply do not know how to be healthier and thoughtful". I am working on that myself, so I know it isn't easy and for me it is one day at a time and lots of patience on my part.

Do your best to take "time outs" and not allow yourself to "project a constant troubled future path". I know this is hard to do, but keep your mind in the present and find anything positive you can. That can be a walk, talking and listening with a child who might just need someone to listen and reminding self to stay in the moment and slow down.

((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes