[Crystal70]

Hello everyone. I've been reading many posts about PTSD and Abuse Survivors. It has been a comfort to me, thank you. Tonight has been a rough one for me because it is storming severely (in fact, the power went out when I tried to post this earlier - so this is my second attempt!) I'm now extremely terrified by loud noises. To make matters worse, just before the storm, someone had and accident in front of my house and two tires blew - sounded like gunshots to me. It's now 2 a.m. and if I sleep, there will be nightmares. So here I am.
Here's what's going on, in a nutshell... I was married to a man who struggled with mental illness most of his adult life. His mother had committed suicide, his sister had attempted suicide, and he had also attempted several times before he finally succeeded this past Christmas at the age of 36. I loved him desperately at one time, but as the years went by I became afraid of him, too. He became unpredictable and violent and suddenly I became afraid that he wouldn't just kill himself, but me, too - and possible the kids. I finally left him in January of '05, which began a solid year of living in fear. I slept with a baseball bat every night, convinced he was coming to kill me when he found me. What I can't understand the most is how I could love and fear him at the same time. I guess it was because I always blamed the "illness" for his actions, and not the man, even though it was the man who refused to get help and stopped taking his meds.
Although I wasn't there to hear the gunshot I'd been fearing for so many years, I still "think" I hear it all the time. In the thunder, or any loud noise. A car backfired on the highway once recently and I started to cry. And the nightmares can be awful.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for, or why I'm posting. I guess I just want someone to understand.
Thanks for reading.
C.

[Evangelista]

Hi C..I am so sorry you are having to cope with the after effects of Suicide, and what you went thru in your marriage. I can relate somewhat to what you have gone thru, I caught my Mother trying to kill herself as a teenager, and I found my next door neighbor's body after he used a gun to committed suicide around the same time frame. So, I have allot of understanding how witnessing these acts effects a person's mind and heart.

I have just ended a marriage of 28 years to a person with a rage disorder, who would not take his meds, and it only got worse. He was hospitalized a couple of years ago, after he became so enraged and depressed that he wanted to kill himself, and me too.. after that he came home ...he stopped taking the meds..his attacks worsened..and I came home to him constantly talking about Suicide..I was always walking on eggshells, and he refused to get treatment, if I suggested it, he would become violent, and aim it at me. My adult daughter and fiancee witnessed some of this, and was scared that one day he would kill me then kill himself..

After an extremely bad bout of this cycle, he left the house after he injured my arm as I was trying to call the police..then I filed for a divorce...and you think it would be an easy thing to come to..but it wasn't..I think I will feel something for him because we were married for so long..and I dont hate him...I hate the behavior..and since he refused to seek help..there really wasn't a choice..

So I understand where you are..and you have my thoughts and prayers as you continue to battle the nightmares and symptoms. Is there a support group in yor area for survivors of loved ones who committ suicide? I know some areas have these, and I hope you are talking with a therapist...Take care C...welcome to the PC forums..and PM me anytime..

EV

Hi Crystal and welcome..I am sorry for what you have been through..I understand loving and fearing them at the same time..I spent over 20 years in my marriage fearful that he would shoot me and our 5 children while in one of his bouts of depression...even the sound of the garbage truck outside triggers me..just wanted to let you know that I understand...take gentle care of you...

[Crystal70]

Evangelista and climbingkit, thank you for your reply. I wrestled with the thought of posting anything, but now I'm glad I did. Knowing someone else has been there is a comfort in such an odd way. No one in my life can understand, and some get very frustrated with me for "overreacting" to things and being too jumpy. One friend in particular that I've known for 30 years acted disgusted with me when I confided just some of the secrets of my marriage. As if to say, "How could you let that happen?" No one I know gets it. So, again, thank you.

[Evangelista]

Hi C..shame it keeps us quiet..it holds us captive..but when you reach out and share with those that know or recognize its grip..it can loose some of its strength.....so know that you are not alone..and others here understand. I am sorry for your loss and torment..

[(JD)]

Welcome to PC crystal70, sorry you need us though If you've read here, then you've read at least some of my threads/posts... and know I totally understand ... as far as I can understand PTSD!

Don't compare your feelings with other people's ignorance... few ppl, even after they are taught, understand PTSD very well (indeed, that includes many MDs!)

I don't do storms well... was permanently disabled during one. TC!

BTW we have a trigger icon to use at your subject line for graphic posts... some members are fragile with heavy stuff.. it's the red ball with the x through it.. TC and again, welcome!

[Crystal70]

Thank you, I'll remember that. Sorry, hope I didn't upset anyone.

[Evangelista]

Its hard sometimes when you feel so nervous about posting..it happens..usually I will ask an administrator to add one if I forget...

[findebsoon]

hey Crystal, thank-you for the posting, it is a hard and complicated situation to keep on top off. My heart is troubled when others such as yourself suffer a puzzling disorder as PTSD. I feel I can relate, my brother, a armed forces officer deals with it daily and there are times he has to be physicaly restrained to keep from hurting himself. Fortunatly there is help where he is stationed. This disorder is not just confined to domestic violence. Please don't feel uncomfortable by expressing these concerns, you are not alone, findebsoon

[Pmarie]

Hi Crystal, Thanks for your post. I struggle with love and hate with my father, and may for the rest of my life. It has been my experience sometimes things aren't as neatly wrapped up as authors and well meaning friends tell me. I am glad you are part of psyche central and writing us.

[Crystal70]

"It has been my experience sometimes things aren't as neatly wrapped up as authors and well meaning friends tell me."

I know exactly what you mean. It seems to me that everyone around me can explain events in their lives with such ease, summing up a bad situation in a sentence or two. I, on the other hand, always feel like my situation is too complicated for anyone I know to understand - so I just opt to keep things inside. I never used to be that way. I was always an open book, but the story got too long and hard to tell somewhere along the line.