[eskielover]

I was sitting in the waiting room of my pdoc the other day & saw a magazine on psychotherapy. There was an article about PTSD that caught my attention since that seems to be mostly what I am going through right now.

The article basically said that with PTSD, "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Then came my question of "when does that finally happen.....when will I get stronger, if ever?" There may be some truth to this, but I haven't felt it. I had many thoughts that came to me after reading this.

Yes, I had an experience what many people in this world haven't or will never experience & yes, I lived through it (it didn't kill me). However, the fear I had of being killed or being extremely harmed during the experience isn't something that just goes away then the experience ends. I know that I continually have nightmares that just won't go away. How in the world is that making me stronger when I am haunted daily with the memories. And then to top off those memories, it left me with horrible feelings towards my mother who died. To add to my anger, I realize that the RN is still on the prowl because the police had to drop the case & so did Adult Protective Services.

Nothing I did to try & stop her worked. The worse part was that I was constantly reacting to what was happening to me & my Mother & in reacting, I actually stopped anything from happening that could have caught her. I just talked to the man that is the go between with APS & the police. It sounded like the APS report I made was dropped because my mother couldn't tell them what happened (either her mind was gone with the cancer or she had already died by the time they tried to contact her). How in the world does that make anyone strong. When talking to him about what the report was about, I ended up in tears, wondering how in the world could this make me stronger. I feel so much anger because nothing I did was good enough to get her caught, to pay for what she did to us & to many others before us....besides, she is free to continue repeating her same abuse to other cancer patients.

I just realized that the anger I have been feeling must be associated with this. My anger gets so bad that I end up throwing thing & breaking anything in sight. My anger has been really bad since this happened & isn't getting any better, if not worse. I am actually afraid of myself & have to stay away from things that I could really hurt.

I wonder if according to the article, I am allowing myself to react the way I am reacting. It seems like it just happens & so do the nightmares. I just can't stop some of the things from happening.....but "I am supposed to be stronger"????

The man from APS did suggest that I get in touch with the hospital social workers & other people who deal with families who are dealing with terminal illnesses & who need support. They are the ones who are vunerable to people like the RN. I know that it would be a great thing to get involved with others who need the support I never got. I know this would be very good but then comes the realization that when I talk about what happened, it turnes into tears & I end up without a voice. That is definitely proof that strength isn't yet the outcome from the situation I was in. Maybe someday, I will be able to talk with out being smothers with my tears & ending up in an anxiety attack that won't go away for days.

I will hope that one day in the future, that I will find strength enough to get out there I let people know how important it is to protect themselves against people who prey on them with their illnesses.....but until that day, it is still someday in the future when the strength may show up instead of the constant nightmares.

Even to this day, I don't know if my pdoc actually realizes that PTSD is so much a part of what is causing me the horrible problems I am experiencing today. My DX is still nothing more than chronic clinical depression. But maybe that is what ended up making my reaction to the experience worse that it would have been otherwise. Every experience we have has it's consequenses.....hopefully sometime in our future lives, these experiences will finally make us stronger.

Debbie

[(JD)]

((((((hugs))))) The article author is wrong, imo.

[hillbunnyb]

our lives put us in a position to recreate ourselves, piece by piece. time keeps moving, shifting things with distance. it sounds like you are searching for a new perspective, you ask good questions.

how can we see ourselves as strong when we can't stop the spinning in our heads, can't sleep, can't get hold of anyting.... it is all pain and painful memories and seems like a bottomless snake pit with no handholds to grab onto to climb out.

No easy answers from this old girl. Time, work, friends, therapy, meds, committment, adding new good memories to the banks, focusing on what you can do and doing it....... I have recently realized that every aspect of every thing I do has been examined and screened and consciously added to my routine: I am nothing but a mass of coping programming. I have to be aware of 'taking care of myself at all times so I dont go past my (always ready to bite me) limitations.......

we each heal in our own ways in our own time. you'll figure it out and find your way and one day notice your guts aren't crawling and in that quiet maybe you will feel your "strong". best.

[Ohlostme]

"...with PTSD, "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Then came my question of "when does that finally happen.....eskielover

I don't know what kind of "expert" that writer is, but I'd say it's their opinion, not fact. Read "I Can't Get Over It." It's the quintessential book on PTSD. It will answer all of your questions. I warn you, it's a big sucka.

"I am nothing but a mass of coping programming." Hillbunnyb

It never occurred to me to look at it that way, but you're absolutely right. So am I (a mass of coping programming).

[jennie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
eskielover said:
I wonder if according to the article, I am allowing myself to react the way I am reacting. It seems like it just happens & so do the nightmares. I just can't stop some of the things from happening.....but "I am supposed to be stronger"????

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I certainly don't feel stronger. I have more knowledge from my past experiences. I also have enough paranoia to not do stupid naive stuff that gets me hurt again . . . hopefully.

[(JD)]

Not to hijack the thread, but along the same lines (I think everyone will follow me on this)... they used to say this about Pain. They used to say, and in fact those who are ignorant still say it, that the more pain you go through, the stronger you become and the more pain you can tolerate. This has been shown to be incorrect, and in fact, the exact opposite is true.

I don't see how retraumatizing someone helps them heal from the first trauma. No, someone who has been tramautized is more susceptible to other events, and has indeed become weaker (if we are to use the author's terms?) It isn't really weaker to me, but a different way of response.

Now, if you are actually THINKING about a situation, and DECIDE, OK I'm going to respond THIS WAY rather than the best way, then YEAH you probably are making a choice. This isn't the way the PTSD I know behaves though. TC!

[obsids]

The way I see it, that which does not kill me, just lingers to torment me so long as I continue to live.

I can almost see how the statement makes sense. If it doesn't kill me, I live on with enough adrenaline in my bloodstream to keep me running. But it is no comfort. It does not ease the nightmares, does it...

So I guess we are strong because we have survived?

[(JD)]

.... we have survived because we are strong? Not everyone makes it.

[jennie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
_Sky said:
Not to hijack the thread, but along the same lines (I think everyone will follow me on this)... they used to say this about Pain. They used to say, and in fact those who are ignorant still say it, that the more pain you go through, the stronger you become and the more pain you can tolerate. This has been shown to be incorrect, and in fact, the exact opposite is true.

I don't see how retraumatizing someone helps them heal from the first trauma. No, someone who has been tramautized is more susceptible to other events, and has indeed become weaker (if we are to use the author's terms?) It isn't really weaker to me, but a different way of response.

Now, if you are actually THINKING about a situation, and DECIDE, OK I'm going to respond THIS WAY rather than the best way, then YEAH you probably are making a choice. This isn't the way the PTSD I know behaves though. TC!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
true _Sky

PTSD teaches us to avoid stuff so we don't get triggered into a panic attack.

[Ohlostme]

To Jennie -- "PTSD teaches us to avoid stuff so we don't get triggered into a panic attack"
You can't always avoid stuff. Some of it blindsides you. My first therapist tried to tell me that I had to be more careful and watch out for things that would/could hurt me. HOW??? I can't spend my whole life tring to avoid triggers. You'd end up living in a paranoid frenzy, constantly anticipating the worst. From a quality of life standpoint, that'd be hell.

Obsids -- "that which does not kill me, just lingers to torment me so long as I continue to live. "
AMEN!!! Oh, AMEN, brutha! Can I get a "right on?!!"

"So I guess we are strong because we have survived? "
Presumably. But you can't ignore that we're also more injured. Dr Phil puts it this way -- he said that when you've been hurt, it's as though you have a sensitive spot. Like when you've been burned, and the spot is always sensitive afterwards. When someone/something triggers us, it's like they've hit our sensitive spot. It doesn't scab over and become a stronger area. I don't think we do, either, emotionally. All I know is that the accumulated hurts of a lifetime make me feel like I can't take any more. I feel weaker, not stronger. I told my first analyst that I felt like I'd been a mugging victim, (emotionally) beaten to a pulp and left in an alley to die. I said that I thought it would take me a long time before I could get back up and rally. At this point, I feel like I've been weakened by so many attacks, and I feel less & less able to take each new beating that comes along. I'm just too (emotionally) exhausted, now, to get back up.

[(JD)]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
When someone/something triggers us, it's like they've hit our sensitive spot. It doesn't scab over and become a stronger area.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Well, no, but once we identify the trigger (not an actual memory, mind you) then the brain can sort it out and file it away. We can eliminate many triggers this way.

Once someone is traumatized, the brain has difficulty filing many more things than just what is connected to the traumatic event. (my words about it all) We have to work to "retrain" the brain as to what is safe and where things go!! I guess we could say that it becomes "confused"... or like all the file folders in the files are strewn all over the floor and we must, with a good T, pick them up and file them back. The good thing is, that once the brain learns about certain things, it automatically takes everything similar and files them too!

There is a time to isolate for a bit, and get that rest from it all that is so needed. ((((hugs to all ))))

[Pmarie]

"Dr Phil puts it this way -- he said that when you've been hurt, it's as though you have a sensitive spot. Like when you've been burned, and the spot is always sensitive afterwards."-Ohlostme

My mother used to accuse me of being oversensitive; like it is a surprise after the way I was raised! I no longer expect myself to grow out of it or be "therapied" ot of all of it; I am trying to learn to live with it in a productive manner.