[yokus]

I am 49, married for 29 years, have a daughter who is 26 with a daughter of her own who is 5. My son is 23 and he and his wife currently live with us. I have been struggling with depression most of my life. I also have PTSD and a dissociative disorder. I see a therapist and have taken medication for many years. I haven't been very open in these forums because I guess I'm just not a trusting person and I am ordinarily a shy person. Once again this morning a nightmare woke me. This 3 or 4 in the morning stuff is getting to me.

I tried to go back to sleep but can't. So I thought I would get on here and share part of who I am with you, since I know it's not fair to you to not be doing so when all of you share your lives with me.

Right now I am recovering from an open lung biopsy and still on oxygen. I have a lot of pain in my back and side from the surgery. The doctor's say I have "boop". Only I could get something with such a silly name. I have had five episodes of acute respiratory distress syndrome in the past 3 years. The doctors don't know what is causing it or what my prognosis is. They just placed me on a high dose of steroids for the next 6 months. That is really discouraging because I have already gained quite a bit from being on steroids the previous times. They're leaving me on oxygen longer this time and that worries me. I hope it won't be permanently. I am starting back at pulmonary rehab this morning. It will be good to see everyone again but I get discouraged having to start all over. This takes so much out of me that I can't do much of anything without getting extremely tired. Any exertion and I get out of breath. There is nothing scarier to me than not being able to breath, having to be put on a ventilator, having to go through all of this again. And I believe in time it will happen again. Not being negative, just realistic.

My husband helps me out a lot. I know he's scared too. I also have fibromyalgia and arthritis. I'm really too young for all of this. All of my life I played sports. Those were my hobbies. And now I can't. I was going to teach my grandaughter everything. Ha. My own self-pity sounds like nothing but whining.

I was molested for over a year when I was 11 years old by a preacher for about a year. I blocked it out until several years ago. I was also sexually assaulted as an adult. I can't pretend anymore that this isn't part of who I am. I thought that I had dealt with it years ago. I've heard that it's not that uncommon for it to come back and it has. With a vengeance.

I'm tired of dealing with everything. My stress level is over the roof and to the point where I have to take tranquilizers all day now. The future looks pretty bleak to me right now. I don't know if I'll be here to watch my grandaughter grow up and she is the light of my life.

So, here I sit, thinking I'm going to be very sorry if I post this because it sounds like a whole lot of whining. What is so unfair is that over the past five years I have changed into a person that I can finally like. I can say "I'm a good person", and before I couldn't say that. I have attempted suicide in the past. That was a big mistake. Now, even in the worst of times, I know that I'm not willing to give up seeing that sparkle in my grandaughter's eyes. Now I treasure the small things that I paid little attention to before like simply sitting outside on a pretty day and breathing in the fresh air. Like sharing a laugh with Ozzie, my best friend. Most of all, I am so glad that I found all of you. The caring and the warmth that you show helps me more than you'll ever know. Thank you for sharing with me.

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{{Yokus}}}}}}}}}}}

I am so proud of you for opening yourself up and sharing with us. Your sister Ozzie thinks so much of you and I feel like I have known you already.

I admire your strength for how far you have come. I also admire your love for your grand-daughter...that is so obvious. She is learning so much from you....strength and perserverance. Be proud of yourself.


Heather

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life - it goes on."
~~Robert Frost

[Rapunzel]

Yokus,

It is nice to have the chance to get to know you a little bit better. I already feel like I know Susan pretty well, and we all know that she loves you very much.

You were not whining at all - just telling your story. I'm glad you did. Thanks for being here; we always have room here for warm and caring people like you.


<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{Yokus}}}}}}}}}}}}} I am so glad that you shared part of yourself with us - it helps to understand what you are going thru. I am so very sorry for your pain.

You are not whining and it is a real pleasure to have you here. I hope your days are less painful and more filled with pleasure.

Mary Alice

[yokus]

((((((((Mary Alice)))))))) Thank you.

[forgoten]

Thank you for sharing sweety!

A love of a child, like your grandaughter, can give you so much. I'm glad you can see it throught your pain.

I sure hope you will feel better soon. It is so nice to have you with us.

((((((((((((((((((((((Yokus))))))))))))))))) Take good care!

forgoten

[soscared]

Hi Yokus
I am so glad you felt safe enough to post here, I know it can be scarry.
You sound like a wonderful person with amazing strength, it is sometimes hard to see it in yourself.
The people here have been nothing but very caring, understanding and supportive.
I hope you are feeling better soon, and that you keep posting.
Getting to know you is a good thing, and I did not see this in anyway tat you were" winning ", Please don't think that you are, we can only give support etc. if we know howyou are feeling and that is important.
Take Care of your self, and just do what you can, it sounds like you are doing lots even if it does not seem like it.
You seem to have a lot of love and caring.

[Duchess]

I know I'm probably the last person you would want a post from. but, I wanted to apologize to you. I never ment to say the things I said and would like a fresh start with you. an oppurtunity to get to know you. I believe we have some things in common. I hope your feeling better from the surgery you just had "Boop"... I find it very difficult to be going threw the things your going threw. I can only wish you the best of luck threw your journey. I don't believe what your talking about is whining! just expressing what you feel, Like I am to you at this moment. Yes, you threw me off my pedastel. Like you, I find it very scarey not being able to breath. your situation is worse then mine and again wish you all the best. Talk about vengeanse, something that walks every minuet of the day by my side. I like you have also been molested when I was younger and it seems the older I get the worse my nightmares get, the worse the memories get, the worse everything I'v blocked out for so many years gets. I'm really sorry I'm rambling on like this I just truely wanted to apologize to you.

Duchess*

When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love have always won. there have been tyrants & murderers, and for a time they can be invincible, but in the end they always fall.think of it... always. Mohandas Gandhi...

[yokus]

Thank you Duchess. What do you say we just start over again. I'd like to get to know you too. I'm sorry. I went off the deep end for a while, but I'm back. And I still think this is a great place with a lot of warm and caring people.

[Duchess]

I would really like that. that just makes me feel a little better.
Everyone goes off the deep end once in a while.
I just really, haven't felt good since that happened.
how are your holidays coming along? get all your shopping done?
well hope all is well.

Duchess*

P.s. Thank you Yokus!

When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love have always won. there have been tyrants & murderers, and for a time they can be invincible, but in the end they always fall.think of it... always. Mohandas Gandhi...

[cherokee]

You poor sweet soul. I too have had my share of suffering. I also have PTSD, and other issues as well. Please do not blame yourself for things that you had no control, or maybe the symtoms of your problems that may have concurred.. The world beats us up enough without our help in doing it. Im telling you this, because I sometimes need to here this myself, and I share with you much of the same turmoil. Take care my freind and just know you are not alone. Someone once told me when you are feeling at your worst to remember that there is someone out there in our world who is having it a little worse. Try counting your blessings, when bleakness is all that your soul can feel, or see. It works. (Most of the time anyway LOL). May blessing and miracles be bestowed upon you. Take care and kind wishes and Luck are sent to you from me. I wish I could do more.

yokus........so glad to see you back on the boards....i am fairly new here but i have come to know your sister.......and if the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.lol.....i'm sure you are as wonderful a person as she is.......i'm so sorry to read of your pain.both inside and out......i'm hoping and praying that there are better days ahead of you......julia