[Alishia88]

I have suffered from depersonalisation, as in not really "feeling" who I am, looking for "myself", needing the mirrow to make sure I am still "there".

I have always thought this was just related to trauma.

But i read a book in which the heroine has the same symptoms, as in wondering if she´s really still "there" and pinching her skin to make sure.
but this is due to her mother and stepfather completely ignoring her and making her feel like she isn´t "there".

I was more or less ignored after my father´s death by my sister and mother and treated very differently, like I actually wasn´t the same person, like I wasn´t their sister/ daughter but someone strange and haven´t had contact to too many people.

So I wonder if this could be part of the reason or even main reason for it?

I have noticed I feel a lot more like "me" and who I am or was comes back to me when I meet with an old friend of mine from school, who I´ve known for years and and who knew me "before" it all happened. I don´t get to see her often though.

This may sound weird, but I also get soozed by watching my feet, because I have a picture of my feet from at the beach when I was 16 or so and when I notice how those are really the exact same feet, that comforts me.
Weird, I know....

(sorry about the "wher" in the title, was meant to be "where", but i can´t edit the title...)

[tinyrabbit]

I think it could be both. Trauma can do this, but so can being ignored, and the combination sounds like it would make you feel it all the more strongly.

[Perna]

We learn by interacting with ourselves and our environment; if you felt your mother and sister treated you differently, that makes sense that it could be what your feelings are about.

I liked your picture of feet story; I got braces on my teeth when I was 30 and when I got them off, my mouth had changed, was not "mine". I put my thumb in my mouth (have not sucked my thumb since I was about 4 :-) to test it and was quite unhappy because it is not the same mouth, "my" mouth.

Everything changes and it can be hard to keep up or want to keep up. I take it you were close to your father or the situation when your father was alive was something you would have liked to have been able to hold on to? Your feet have changed too, just like my mouth did, but the change is not so obvious or upsetting.

I think a lot about my childhood town (I'm 62) and how it no longer exists like I knew it. Yesterday my husband and I drove our grandchildren past the apartment buildings we lived in in the mid-1980's, across the parking lot from each other; I barely recognized them with their new paint, different fences and bushes and crowdedness, etc. We told our grandchildren a couple stories, memories, we remembered from our time there but then we left and came home to now.

Maybe you could do that, tell yourself stories from before your father died and then move on closer to now and tell yourself a story about what you are trying to do now with your life. Maybe you could practice moving back and forth and getting more comfortable with it. We can't stand still, we can't "fade to black" or do much of anything but keep trying to move forward the best we can.

[echoesofagirl]

Depersonalization is a symptom of other psych disorders, like Borderline Personality Disorder, so not everyone who experiences it has a history of trauma. Also, occasional mild episodes are considered normal and can be experienced by healthy people.