[MotownJohnny]

That’s right, all of this crap is just spewing out of me like a volcano. Sorry, but it really helps me. My T and my Pdoc have heard this, of course.

Sorry to be a bit graphic. Lots of triggers ahead, you may not want to read this if squeamish.

This is probably WAY TMI. Sorry if that is the case. This may belong elsewhere, like the Men's forum, but it's pretty much a tale of PTSD as much as it is a tale about masculinity and male sexuality.

When I was in 7th grade, 12 years old, over Christmas break, I got sick, really sick. I developed a testicular torsion. Which is when a testicle twists around inside the scrotum and cuts off its own blood supply, or more accurately cuts off the outflow blood. Tissue dies within a matter of a couple of hours. The testicle swells dramatically, with me, it was somewhere between an orange and a grapefruit. The pain is excruciating, and to go with it, nausea, vomiting, high fever. It is considered a life-threating emergency, because within a day or two the dead tissue can go septic and toxic.

This happened on a Thursday morning, I woke up throwing up and with some swelling and pain. And, because of Super Dad (super nightmare, that is), I was totally afraid of my own shadow, I didn’t say anything, and of course, I knew little about human anatomy and didn’t understand what was happening. I just hoped it would get better, but it kept getting worse and worse. I finally broke down and told my mom 24 hours later when it was terrible, I was dead dog sick, probably physically the most sick I had ever been, and I survived two bouts of really bad pneumonia as a younger kid.

I even basically kind of passed out getting to the car and going to the Dr. They didn’t have enough sense to take me to the ER, but I ended up there in short order, only after the Dr. did a digital rectal exam to check for intestinal bleeding (why I have no clue). So, pain and humiliation a 12 year old boy had trouble understanding. Another punishment from God is what it felt like (I know that feeling well by this time in my life).
They did emergency surgery on me, and I ended up not going home until Tuesday. I was a pretty sick puppy for a few days. And, even though they removed the testicle, I had “phantom pain” for a long time, a couple of years on and off, which was also no fun, since it usually came with a heaping helping of puking my guts out. And it could happen anywhere, the bouncing on the school bus was a prime location, since I had always struggled with motion sickness anyway.

Of course, dad loved this. We were isolated from most people, but his “circle” of business/work people were in our house on a fairly regular basis (when we had to play “perfect family” like some kind of cruel joke). He just delighted in telling these people, mostly men, about what had happened, in my presence so I would be totally traumatized and humiliated. Honestly, there have been times in my life when I thought about suicide, that was one of them, I remember one time he had people over for dinner, I had to wear a tie to please him, and I just kept thinking I should go out to our detached garage and hang myself with my pretty blue tie (hated ties back then, I’m a real clothes horse now and have about 200 of them in every possible shade and pattern, about 10 times for every suit I own, LOL).

I also had to see the urologist pretty regularly for about 3 years, and dad insisted he go into the exam room every time and watch, this was like 2 times a year. I hated him with a passion; it was another humiliating experience, standing naked from the waist down having a doctor examine my genitals while he watched. And, he always had a really weird look on his face, like perverted fascination with my anatomy. Which of course, he would later use as a weapon against me when we were home. Telling me I was not a man or wouldn’t be because I was castrated like a horse (even though I had one perfectly functional testicle fully capable of producing hormones and sperm, and I went through puberty at a pretty normal 14 despite all of that).
This all severely played into my issues today. One thing, I was really embarrassed and scared that I looked “abnormal” or “damaged”, even though other than a scar where they made the incision, I looked perfectly intact, as they implant a prosthesis during the surgery. But, it made me feel like damaged goods. His taunting and torture didn’t help matters, calling me the “f” word, and a mama’s boy (ironic, he thought I was both gay and sexually attracted to my mother – I assure you I was never sexually attracted to my mother, and I’m a perfectly functional hetero male in all respects). I also had some of my own fears once I knew more about sexuality and reproduction – I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to father children or perform sexually or even have enough testosterone to grow a beard or need to shave. Like I would be eunuch or something. My first time with a woman was a bit nerve-wracking because of this, but it got better.

Even now, I still wonder from time to time. I have had times when I felt “less than a man”, I didn’t always relate well to other men in social situations, and I have always desperately just wanted to be “one of the guys”. Finally, to this day, I worry about my fertility, even though I will never have kids, a door closed to me in my mind because it just wouldn’t be fair to try to be a father when I am a hot mess myself. Still, I always desperately wanted a son so I could be the kind of father to him I never had. I have a dog, he’s my kid, and yes, I do refer to him as “son” all of the time – “hey, son, want to go for a walk?”

Ah, more good times with dear old dad. Little wonder I have C-PTSD, eh?

[lynn P.]

My God this is such a sad story and I'm sorry for all the pain you've experienced, along with this traumatic medical issue. Testicular torsion can be fixed, but timing is critical and very sad you didn't have parents that made you feel comfortable sharing. Yes you should have been taken straight to the ER. Its a shame your father made you feel like this and its not surprising you had self esteem issues. If you had the right parents they could have reassured you, this wouldn't affect your manhood and luckily God gives 2. Men who have testicular cancer can do well and continue to be fertile. Maybe one day you'll change your mind about being a parent and do a better job. Your dad was a crappy parent - like to see any man go through this and not be scared to death.

[avlady]

That's terrible about your father, no one deserves to be treated so cruely especially someone with your issue. I'm happy you can get on with your life and maybe you WILL have a son or daughter someday if possible.

[Open Eyes]

(((MowtownJohnny))),

It was brave of you to open up and talk about that here. Your father was a stupid jerk and proved he had no knowledge about correctly raising a child. He was a bully towards you and had no business fathering any child. Unfortunately there are many people out in this world that are stupid and should not be parents. And unfortunately there has been so little education to none on raising children and as a result we have people parenting that have no parenting skills and often just bully, yell at, and hit their children. It is not unusual for a father to fail to even stick around and actually "be a father" to a child. Often men feel helpless when they have to interact or deal with their children and turn to too much discipline thinking that is the answer.

Not all men are like your father Mowtown, there are men out there that struggle like you do too. There are many men that tend to go it alone and are at a loss when it comes to making male friends too. It is not unusual for men to get together in alcoholism and that is all that seems to "keep them together" really.

You would be a much better father then your father was, you know more about how it hurts when all a father does is "belittle and bully" his son. It doesn't have to be that way either, but society doesn't invest in making sure parents actually "know" how to be parents.

(((Caring Hugs))))
OE

[MotownJohnny]

I love the caring hugs, that just makes my day. Right back atcha!

I am in the T's waiting room for the weekly. It's been tough but good lately.

Then, I get to go home and make dinner. Seafood curry, I picked up some squid and shrimp at H-Mart (awesome Korean grocery chain). Yum. Then get out of the monkey suit (suit and tie) and get in a workout, a long ride where I won't obsess about "stuff", just enjoy.

[Open Eyes]

I just wanted to add here MowtownJohnny, that often men believe that "loving" a son and being a good father is by being "tough" on their son. And often that is how "they" themselves were treated so they have that "subconscious" message and they don't even "think about it, they just slip into the part their own father played with them". That is often "why" people "think" certain mental health issues "run in families", when what is really taking place is "DYSFUNCTIONAL PARENTING" that is handed down creating the same psychological challenges or "distorted thinking and reasoning".

I took my parents out not so long ago and they are both in their late 80's. Now that I am really recognizing the "dysfunction" I grew up in, when I watch them interact with each other, I see the "same" dysfunction in the way they interact with each other. I talked to my T about this, because I think it is "sad" and he told me, they are never going to change and it's too late for them to actually recognize their dysfunction either. It's not that they are "bad" people either, they are just too used to treating each other in hurtful ways. There was too much "hitting" in my home too, because of that to this day I have an exaggerated startle response.

It's time for you to "comfort" that child in you that didn't know how to defend himself against this bully of a father.

There are plenty of men that function fine with only one testicle, I have a feeling that is why men are born with two, so they have a "back up" and can still reproduce. If your parents had been educated in parenting, they would have known that little boys tend to be "sensitive" about this area and it is very important to take time and sit and talk to them and reassure them when or if they have problems. I have spent a great deal of time around young children and it is "very common" to see little boys holding on to this area in protective ways. Often little boys will not ride my ponies, not because they are afraid of the pony, but because they are afraid it might hurt what they feel is a fragile part of themselves. So I understand how traumatic that medical issue was for you, and I am very sorry you didn't get comforted and reassured when you really needed it and must have been very "frightened".

(((Hugs)))
OE

[Nobodyandnothing]

Motown,
You are more of a man than your father ever was. Take care.

[MotownJohnny]

Originally Posted by Nobodyandnothing

Motown,
You are more of a man than your father ever was. Take care.

Thanks, kind of you, yes I am, I realize this despite my issues.

We all have good days and bad days, I have mine for sure. But, then I come home and cook squid in mango curry sauce and realize life is pretty good, just gotta remember to embrace the good at every opportunity. (Ok, highly irrelevant, but my seafood curry really hit the spot tonight! )