[Alishia88]

So I got these really really annoying and unpleasant fears in 2011 of basically appointments.

I´ve gotten a lot better since then, but I´m not "cured" and "normal" like I was before.

It started during a really really stressfull time for me when I felt like I had to do so many things, and had to do and achieve and take care of so much, but I COULDN´t or maybe, couldn´t do it, I felt that I was being suffocated by all of these things and expectations around me.

I started to get real bad insomnia, lying awake for hours, sometimes 8 or 9 hours.
I felt like I was going totally CRAZY. And that that could not be normal.

Besides I HAD to sleep, because there was all these things to take care of the next day, and if I couldn´t sleep this night, the day after would be also so much stuff to take care off and what if I couldnt´sleep the next night?
I would fall apart or go totally crazy? and it would be unbearable
and I wouldn´t be able to function and what if I could never sleep again???

This is basically what went on in my head.

Since then it has become very difficult to have appointments in the morning, because I fear I cannot sleep when I have stuff in the morning.

Also, this stress and sleeplessness returns, when I just have to many things on my mind and don´t relax.

Usually, when I come home from vacation, I feel a lot more relaxed about appointments and I don´t even understand how I could so anxious about them before.

I used to be busy like 10 hours a day. Now, I manage 1 appointment a day, really not more. And not every day for a longer time.

It´s like I have become so much less stress resistant than before.

So, my T has thought that this is some sort of social anxiety, that I don´t fear the actual appointment but the social interaction.
And/or a sort of regression to a younger age, a baby or toddler, that would be scared to go on to the street alone and isn´t expected to take responsibility.

I don´t feel that that is quite right. I really stress out about HAVING to be or do something at a certain time, wether I´m alone or with anyone.

Though, when other people are involved, and might be waiting or something, I get stressed more easily.

Only recently my T has spoken about "burn out" when I told her more about my life story the past 4 years and I feel like that´s a lot more fitting than social anxiety.

When I feel like I have enough room to breath between things, I usually do not get nervous. When things get to tight, I tend to obsess about things and I cannot handle things.

What do you think it is? And has anyone else experienced this sort of fear?

Thank you!

[Open Eyes]

((Alisha))

The symptoms you are describing are symptoms of PTSD. Doesn't your T know about this diagnosis?

The difficulty sleeping, the struggle to need to get to early appoints because of the lack of rest, the challenge you have when you have to interact with too many people in one day, that all comes with PTSD. Even the question of "why am I not like I was before" is something so many with PTSD keep asking.

With the sleeping, you have to learn how to calm down and shut down at night again. It took me a long time to learn how to do that myself. Actually, what I do is I leave my TV on and try to find something I can put on that is like a documentary that I can listen to so I drift off to sleep thinking about that and not the other things that come up in my mind that keep me awake. I know they say it isn't good to fall asleep with the TV on, but honestly, it has been my salvation to distract my brain so I can finally drift off, and if I dream it is often about what I was watching rather then some kind of night terror. Some people read before they go to bed with tires them and distracts their mind enough so they can just roll over and sleep, my father has done that for years.

You have to learn "new ways" to self sooth now and "manage" the PTSD symptoms. Every once in a while when I have the questions you are asking I look up PTSD again and there are all the symptoms I am experiencing that I just need to work on and learn to better manage instead of constantly just being crippled by them and unknowingly feed into them.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[Alishia88]

OpenEyes, thank you for your reply!

Yes, trying to get better, I repeatedly forget what I´ve been through and I just try and try to act "normal" and have a "normal" life, when the truth is, my story is not "normal" and I can´t expect myself to always feel and react "normally".

Well... the thing with my T is, she´s not really a trauma therapist, and even though she diagnosed "trauma" in my history, we haven´t really worked on it that much yet, and I don´t know how much she actually has that in mind when she sees me.
She more or less likes to talk about whatever comes up each week.
It´s a bit confusing. She´s specialised on eating disorders, which I´ve had too, but after the initital trauma.

I think she thinks, I mostly just have anxiety or an anxiety disorder.... I´m not sure though.
She´s more like a therapist that is very much focused on having a relationship with her clients and not one to tell you her "diagnosis" like a doctor, I don´t know how to describe it.

It´s a bit frustrating for me too, because things seem a little unspecified.

[Open Eyes]

Your therapist's treatment plan is not all bad because a therapist has to learn the basics about how to provide a "safe place" and that the therapist is "a witness" for a patient while the patient discusses their challenges and life experiences.

However, it is also important for a therapist to understand PTSD because when the patient comes in challenged the way you are describing, the therapist should be able to explain it and help you develop not only an understanding of it, but ways to help yourself manage it better, rather then feeding into it unknowingly.

What concerns me about your therapist suggesting that you have other disorders, is she is fishing with you, you don't need that, you need someone who "knows" how to answer your questions, who understands the disorder and can give you the answers and be there to help you work through it.

IMHO, someone who struggles with PTSD feels very lost and they just don't understand "why". The questions you are presenting are "common" questions that a therapist needs to have the ability to answer for you rather then sit there pondering these other disorders which can add to your confusion instead of staying the course of dealing with and understanding the "progression" of the challenging symptoms that PTSD presents. To me that is like someone who presents to a doctor with a broken leg and the doctor starts to suggest it may be a sprain, or your need for better shoes, or a pulled muscle, or you are just exerting yourself too much, well that doesn't address the "real issue" now does it?

It "is" important to have a therapist that is kind and helps you "feel safe" as well as is a person who is calm and listens to you. However, that in itself is not enough with PTSD, because you will be having a lot of questions as you work through it and you need to have the therapist understand each stage and help you keep moving forward even though you are "challenged".

When someone has PTSD, they have experienced something traumatic that has really affected their brain and the way they now look at so many different day to day things they experience in their lives. The person who is challenged with PTSD is much more "sensitive" then before and they really get very confused about it. Well, because of this, there is a stronger and stronger desire to withdraw simply because the person is confused and often fears how they may react in different situations, but also how different situations can affect them to where they suddenly get crippled with anxiety and with that get confused and have a strong urge to "run" or find some place quiet and safe so they can have time to think about "what that confusion they experienced meant".

This confusion can lead to a person having very bad thoughts and being very hard on "self" with frustration and anger and a sense of being "inept to having a normal life" somehow. It is very important a therapist knows how to identify these symptoms and be able to talk their patients through it where the patient feels their therapist "knows what they are dealing with and also knows how to really treat and understand it". One simply cannot have the blind leading the blind with PTSD, it is too challenging for that IMHO.

Alisha, when I had experienced so much loss from my neighbors dog running laps around my horses and ponies at night that lead to them having so many injuries that I never could have ever imagined dealing with, and I lost my favorite one in spite of my efforts to save her, I just broke. My neighbor admitted knowing that their containment system had been malfunctioning and that their dog had been getting out, yet they kept failing to fix it and kept taking chances every time they let it out at night thinking I would not see it on my property.

Well, I was doing nothing but tending to so many injuries for a few months until I was so exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed I broke. I went to a psych ward begging for "rest and grief counseling" because I was so completely overwhelmed. I did not get treated the way I needed at all, instead I was further traumatized, it was awful. I was there for 9 days over the Thanksgiving Holiday, and my family was angry with me and there was no "caring presence" there for me "at all", but instead a cold room, constantly being disturbed every 15 minutes, and surrounded by other people who were "very disturbed and scary". For the past few days I have been having flashbacks and the shakes where I can't get warm, all from that time I was in that place alone, scared, locked into, cold, with no one to comfort me. I also was misdiagnosed, even though I had clearly expressed all the red flags that anyone familiar with "trauma treatment" would know how to treat, which was not the way "I" was treated "at all". I not only have PTSD, but I also struggle with Complicated Grief Disorder. And I only got to finally understand that latter diagnoses in just the past few months. I would be doing so much better had I been treated correctly in the beginning instead of being around people who just did not have the knowledge (even though they were professionals) to recognize the signs and know the proper treatment.

I understand you feel safe with this T, that is important, but it is also important that a therapist really understand "what you are really struggling with" too. If I was in your situation, I would be bringing information about PTSD to this therapist so she would not be "fishing around with other diagnoses" that is not helpful for you.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[A Red Panda]

Can you ask your T if you can make things more structured? Like... maybe reserve 5 minutes at the end to decide on the topic(s) for the next session based on what you went over that day.

It might help lessen your anxiety about attending the appointment, because you'll have some time to think and reflect on the topic and it won't be a surprise.

"When I feel like I have enough room to breath between things, I usually do not get nervous. When things get to tight, I tend to obsess about things and I cannot handle things."

That is me to a T, and has been the bane of my existance since August. I haven't had enough time to breathe between going from one stressful thing to another. It's at the point where EVERYTHING is stressful (even going to the store to pick up a prescription!). I haven't had enough time to breathe and get relaxed AND get caught up on chores. So... I get where you're coming from.

It's probably a bit of both you know. I get anxiety and stress over doing things that no one else is involved with (ie. cleaning my apartment and somehow finding the time to do it!) and stress over all the different things I have to attend (worry about being late or being too tired or about people asking things etc etc), and just stress about being around people because I don't think I can keep things together well enough. I feel really overwhelmed, which makes my normal coping skills for the social anxietys sorta go out the window which just makes is MORE stressful.

Am I making any sense at all?

[Alishia88]

OpenEyes, thank you again for your reply, as always, it is very insightful

I showed what you wrote to my boyfriend also to make him understand a little how I feel because you spoke right from my heart here:

"When someone has PTSD, they have experienced something traumatic that has really affected their brain and the way they now look at so many different day to day things they experience in their lives. The person who is challenged with PTSD is much more "sensitive" then before and they really get very confused about it. Well, because of this, there is a stronger and stronger desire to withdraw simply because the person is confused and often fears how they may react in different situations, but also how different situations can affect them to where they suddenly get crippled with anxiety and with that get confused and have a strong urge to "run" or find some place quiet and safe so they can have time to think about "what that confusion they experienced meant".

(He suggested, jokingly, that you should be my therapist because your posts always seem to help me so much and be able to explain things so well.)

What you write about your experience in this ward, truely sounds horrifieing.

I don´t understand how so many clinics for psych. problems still seem to not be able to treat their patients right.

I experienced something simular, though not nearly as traumatic as yours,
I also went to a psych. clinic but it was only a day clinic and I could leave in the afternoon, which was very good for me, otherwise I´d have gone nuts, probably.

I also wasn´t really diagnosed right this clinic, which was very centered on eating disorders and I wasn´t really struggling with mine any more but with severe anxiety and burn out, being around other people with bulimia and anorexia send me in panic though, because I was afraid I could "contract" it from them back. I just think patients weren´t treated respectfully and individually.

Yes, I´ve been thinking about bringing the PTSD up with my T more directly.

But I´m not sure how or if I could bring in information for her. I´d feel like I´d be trying to teach HER, and I´m afraid she could take that the wrong way.

Chances are she already knows things about PTSD and would be like "well, yes thank you, I´m the therapist, I know these things.." or something.

I´ve been thinking about just asking her straight out for my diagnosis, she must have had some for insurance,

and then maybe get a second opinion from a trauma specialist. I just don´t know if they can make a diagnosis in just one session?
...

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Your therapist's treatment plan is not all bad because a therapist has to learn the basics about how to provide a "safe place" and that the therapist is "a witness" for a patient while the patient discusses their challenges and life experiences.

However, it is also important for a therapist to understand PTSD because when the patient comes in challenged the way you are describing, the therapist should be able to explain it and help you develop not only an understanding of it, but ways to help yourself manage it better, rather then feeding into it unknowingly.

What concerns me about your therapist suggesting that you have other disorders, is she is fishing with you, you don't need that, you need someone who "knows" how to answer your questions, who understands the disorder and can give you the answers and be there to help you work through it.

IMHO, someone who struggles with PTSD feels very lost and they just don't understand "why". The questions you are presenting are "common" questions that a therapist needs to have the ability to answer for you rather then sit there pondering these other disorders which can add to your confusion instead of staying the course of dealing with and understanding the "progression" of the challenging symptoms that PTSD presents. To me that is like someone who presents to a doctor with a broken leg and the doctor starts to suggest it may be a sprain, or your need for better shoes, or a pulled muscle, or you are just exerting yourself too much, well that doesn't address the "real issue" now does it?

It "is" important to have a therapist that is kind and helps you "feel safe" as well as is a person who is calm and listens to you. However, that in itself is not enough with PTSD, because you will be having a lot of questions as you work through it and you need to have the therapist understand each stage and help you keep moving forward even though you are "challenged".

When someone has PTSD, they have experienced something traumatic that has really affected their brain and the way they now look at so many different day to day things they experience in their lives. The person who is challenged with PTSD is much more "sensitive" then before and they really get very confused about it. Well, because of this, there is a stronger and stronger desire to withdraw simply because the person is confused and often fears how they may react in different situations, but also how different situations can affect them to where they suddenly get crippled with anxiety and with that get confused and have a strong urge to "run" or find some place quiet and safe so they can have time to think about "what that confusion they experienced meant".

This confusion can lead to a person having very bad thoughts and being very hard on "self" with frustration and anger and a sense of being "inept to having a normal life" somehow. It is very important a therapist knows how to identify these symptoms and be able to talk their patients through it where the patient feels their therapist "knows what they are dealing with and also knows how to really treat and understand it". One simply cannot have the blind leading the blind with PTSD, it is too challenging for that IMHO.

Alisha, when I had experienced so much loss from my neighbors dog running laps around my horses and ponies at night that lead to them having so many injuries that I never could have ever imagined dealing with, and I lost my favorite one in spite of my efforts to save her, I just broke. My neighbor admitted knowing that their containment system had been malfunctioning and that their dog had been getting out, yet they kept failing to fix it and kept taking chances every time they let it out at night thinking I would not see it on my property.

Well, I was doing nothing but tending to so many injuries for a few months until I was so exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed I broke. I went to a psych ward begging for "rest and grief counseling" because I was so completely overwhelmed. I did not get treated the way I needed at all, instead I was further traumatized, it was awful. I was there for 9 days over the Thanksgiving Holiday, and my family was angry with me and there was no "caring presence" there for me "at all", but instead a cold room, constantly being disturbed every 15 minutes, and surrounded by other people who were "very disturbed and scary". For the past few days I have been having flashbacks and the shakes where I can't get warm, all from that time I was in that place alone, scared, locked into, cold, with no one to comfort me. I also was misdiagnosed, even though I had clearly expressed all the red flags that anyone familiar with "trauma treatment" would know how to treat, which was not the way "I" was treated "at all". I not only have PTSD, but I also struggle with Complicated Grief Disorder. And I only got to finally understand that latter diagnoses in just the past few months. I would be doing so much better had I been treated correctly in the beginning instead of being around people who just did not have the knowledge (even though they were professionals) to recognize the signs and know the proper treatment.

I understand you feel safe with this T, that is important, but it is also important that a therapist really understand "what you are really struggling with" too. If I was in your situation, I would be bringing information about PTSD to this therapist so she would not be "fishing around with other diagnoses" that is not helpful for you.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[Alishia88]

Hi red panda,

thank you for your reply.

I can relate to this "It's at the point where EVERYTHING is stressful"

very much. I don´t know how I even get to this point all of the sudden somehow, but it´s always very overwhelming.

Yes, I understand. And I´m relieved I´m not the only one that feels this way.

I usually think ahead of time what I´d like to talk about in session, but sometimes T leads me somewhere else and I don´t always like that..
I just have to be very firm with her and say:" no; I want to talk about THIS rightnow," I guess

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Can you ask your T if you can make things more structured? Like... maybe reserve 5 minutes at the end to decide on the topic(s) for the next session based on what you went over that day.

It might help lessen your anxiety about attending the appointment, because you'll have some time to think and reflect on the topic and it won't be a surprise.

"When I feel like I have enough room to breath between things, I usually do not get nervous. When things get to tight, I tend to obsess about things and I cannot handle things."

That is me to a T, and has been the bane of my existance since August. I haven't had enough time to breathe between going from one stressful thing to another. It's at the point where EVERYTHING is stressful (even going to the store to pick up a prescription!). I haven't had enough time to breathe and get relaxed AND get caught up on chores. So... I get where you're coming from.

It's probably a bit of both you know. I get anxiety and stress over doing things that no one else is involved with (ie. cleaning my apartment and somehow finding the time to do it!) and stress over all the different things I have to attend (worry about being late or being too tired or about people asking things etc etc), and just stress about being around people because I don't think I can keep things together well enough. I feel really overwhelmed, which makes my normal coping skills for the social anxietys sorta go out the window which just makes is MORE stressful.

Am I making any sense at all?