How are you supposed to recover and move on from a traumatic event if it didn't actually happen? It's something that almost happened. And now I keep freaking out over it and coming up with so many different ways it could happen. I just want to move on with life but I can't. I blame myself even though a part of me knows it's not my fault.

[Open Eyes]

What it sounds like from what little you have said here is that you never established a sense of "safety and trust". You have not talked about your history and whether you felt a sense of security and good nurturing growing up.

If I consider my own personal history, I did deal with intrusions, however, I didn't actually feel "secure and safe" and there was too much dysfunction going on around me. I did have to worry about "what could happen" and that is not good for any child to have to deal with.

It isn't just a "trauma" that can trigger someone to suffer with some kind of MI. It can be due to what kind of environment a person has to try to function in that may be "toxic" in some way, something that person doesn't have enough life experience or skills to know enough how to deal with and develop their sense of security and build up their self esteem.

For myself, I have had to discuss my own history with my therapist so he could help me understand what challenged me and how that went into some of the ways I tried to compensate in ways that I didn't always understand or recognize the way I do now.

For me, I grew up in a toxic atmosphere that was due to both my father and older brother having ADHD. During that time no one understood or could diagnose that disorder either. Then I married a man who also had ADHD and pretty much my entire life was constantly struggling from the challenging behavior patterns these individuals kept challenging me with. It was not that these individuals were "evil or bad" either, however they had behavior patterns that were constantly "intrusive and overbearing and controlling" and often created an environment where I never felt "secure and safe".

It is important to take the time to work with a therapist and figure out whatever may have challenged you that really was not your fault, nor was something you could have controlled or understood, but did present an "unhealthy" challenge to you.

It is not unusual for someone to experience "depression" at some point or even a few points in their lives. Depression and the added stress for how the depression can get in the way of having an ability to engage in life better can become overwhelming. So spending time with a "caring and experienced" therapist, can help the person struggling to spend time learning to see "where the stress is coming from" and learn to develop not only knowledge, but skills to finally make the changes that lead to overcoming the depression or whatever the person just isn't really seeing that is debilitating.

Unfortunately, many people who try to reach out for help and get "therapy", tend to feel that they need to "please" the therapist, and hide their past or emotional challenges somehow. When a patient worries about "being judged" somehow by a therapist, they hold back from doing the one thing they really need to do which is open up and talk and not get caught up in thinking they are failing if they "need to open up".

You are thinking that if you talk about "how you worry about what could happen" that a therapist may "think you are dumb or crazy or advise you that your concerns are wrong". Well, that is not what a good therapist will do, instead a good therapist will work with you to see where these challenges originated and how you can finally understand it yourself better.

Often we are told and grow to believe that we need to "hold in our emotions" and "just deal". Well, that just doesn't work, our emotions are telling us something isn't right, and often our emotions tell us to reach out and talk or get comfort or help. If we go along thinking we are not supposed to do that, yes, we can develop depression and begin to experience "anxiety" or stress that over time can lead to withdrawing and being depressed or even developing other disorders.

There are all kinds of abuse/traumas, it isn't just physical, it can be emotional abuse that can develop into PTSD or Borderline Personality Disorder, or Depression.

Do you see a therapist on a regular basis?

OE

Toxic is a very good description of how i grew up. My family was not nurturing in any way. and since my dad doesn't believe in depression or any mental illness and my mom would rather me lie to her, i have never felt that anyone understood or cared about my problems.

Unfortunately I am not able to see a therapist right now due to just moving and money issues.

[Open Eyes]

Ok, well, it sounds like you have moved away from you family then?

What you are describing in your parents is unfortunately not all that uncommon. Your father is a person who has not had any education in "understanding what it means to struggle with depression or any kind of mental illness". Your mother has no idea how to "listen and comfort" you and "validate your challenges" either. It sounds like you never really "bonded" with either one of them and you never developed a sense of "worthiness and self esteem that was healthy" because your parents didn't really know how to provide that for you. Often the problem stems from how so many parents themselves went without and just don't have the "knowledge" they should have to be a good parent and nurturer. It doesn't mean they don't love a child, what it does mean is they "don't know how" and even "fear loving" because they themselves might have been hurt.

I have described how I grew up and how hard it was too. However, one day I spent time with my father, just him and me on his boat, he had a couple of beers and was relaxed enough to talk. He told me that when he got married and had children, he really didn't know "how" to be a father. He said he felt he had to provide and that his children needed to learn manners, good English, but as he looked back on what he didn't do, he had "regrets" and that was because there had been more discussion about "how to get more involved with children" and "that this was important".

A lot of parents tend to think their child is born "who they are" and that they have to "put up with" whatever that child happens to be and do their best to "discipline" this "being that can become more challenging as it grows up". Parents really do not understand the huge role they themselves play in "who that child becomes" either. And most parents try to get their children to "behave in public" so that the family looks good, but they do not provide a "loving safe home" for their child. It is not unusual for parents to be so busy with themselves and sustaining that they often push their children away sending the child constant messages that "the parents don't have time for them and stop bugging them and that the child is just a burden on the parent".

This poor parenting can be recognized every time I read someone who "is" in therapy and constantly worries about "pleasing a therapist or being careful not to get emotional in front of their therapist thinking it must be "wrong" to do so. Inside they feel, "I don't want my therapist to think there is something wrong with me, otherwise the therapist will not want to spend time with me". A person begins to think, "I better be careful not to show when I feel hurt or struggle because I will be rejected". This is also a part of your title to this thread too. You said a lot when you said, "My mother needs me to pretend I am ok". That is "not" a "good mother", that is just a person that carries the title of mother, but never knew how to actually "be" a mommy. Actually if your mother needs you to pretend you are ok, then "she probably never had a real "mommy" either. This never meant you were never worthy either, it doesn't mean you should not "need" or that you can't carry a fear of trauma that "almost happened" either.

Can you talk about the trauma that "almost" happened? You can talk about it here you know.

((Hugs))
OE

I was almost raped by my vice principal/fifth grade teacher/dad's best friend (at that time). Technically I would have said yes, but since I was 16 at the time and he was 46 it's still rape. I didn't know if i could talk about it so that's why i was so vague before.

[Open Eyes]

Ok, so you didn't participate in anything right? But you were in an uncomfortable scenario where you felt pressured and didn't know exactly what to do and felt that going to your parents would lead to "not being believed".

Well, unfortunately, when someone is raped or victimized, it is often a relative or friend of the family in some way. It is also not unusual for the abuser to cultivate their victim into trusting them and thinking they are someone who "cares" about the victim.

When my daughter was around that age, what I didn't know is that her history teacher was being friendly to her, acting like someone who cared, she talked to him about boyfriends and other problems. I didn't even know she was eating lunch with him because she was having a hard time feeling comfortable in the cafeteria at lunch. Lucky for my daughter, he was also getting close with another girl and he eventually got caught having a sexual relationship with that other girl. My daughter was so upset, she even blamed the girl and she was angry at the teacher because he was fired and also lost his license to teach. It was very "hard" for my daughter to understand that it was "the teacher's fault", that's how good these predators "cultivate" their victims. My daughter really believed "he" was the victim and was really a nice guy. She was just "too young" to
see the truth.

It is unfortunate because there are teachers that are actually very clever predators. People think they are good and upstanding and caring too and they are always shocked when the truth comes out. They can be teachers, and principals and have authority roles, it was not long ago that a principal in my state was caught too.

You should have and still should report it, even if you do so anonymously because you are not the only one.

(((Hugs)))
OE

I know I'm not the only one. But as far as I know with me it went the farthest. The other girls were smarter than me and didn't let him get close. And yes I feel it is my fault. I should have realized what was going on. I'm still scared he will show up at my door one day even though he doesn't know what state I'm in (grew up in Virginia. I'm on Indiana now) I have told a couple people but they either did nothing (like the principal of my school) or weren't in a position to be able to do anything (like my best friend at the time). And since we didn't have sex I feel like I'm not justified in being so afraid. Like I'm overreacting.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Open Eyes]

Hun, you are not over reacting at all. These other girls may have had more support and care at home and that can make a huge difference. I am sure that is what empowered my daughter to where she had boundaries that he could pick up on.

Hearing you worried about him possibly still being a threat tells me that you still are feeling much like you did when you were younger. That is because you have not been exposed to someone who can be "validating and supportive" so that you can heal, grow, and feel you have permission to "mature" too. What you have been describing is called "victim mentality". You are not alone with this either, every person who has been a victim and has not had someone stand up for them, or felt the presence of a rescuer, will develop this victim mentality.

When you did try to tell, you got the response that was unsupportive and that happens a lot too unfortunately. A very huge example of that is the Sandusky case where the college he worked for protected him, even though there were some questionable concerns about him. He had many victims and they were all afraid to "tell" until finally someone saw something and pushed until one boy did tell, then they all finally came forward and it was very hard on all of them to do so.

Unfortunately, a school can be in a difficult position because they can't do anything just on an assumption, they have to have proof. So, while they may not have reacted the way you wished, you still put an alarm out there where they will pay closer attention. Also, you can always send an anonymous letter to the school guidance counselor and even the school nurse, these people may also watch him closer too. You could even send anonymous letters to other female teachers so they are more "aware" too. However, if you do that, take a long drive to a different state so that these letters can't be traced back to you. You may even send an anonymous letter to the police too or even call child services and file an anonymous report.

I am very sorry that you didn't have the support you needed. Hun, it's not your fault no matter what you think a girl at 16 in the scenario you are describing doesn't have the life skills to really know how to handle that situation. That is exactly what these predators look for too.

While I understand that you do not have the finances to seek out a therapist right now, you should look into calling an abuse hotline and also see what support there is in your area, because there are support groups out there that are "free" and they "are" very helpful, supportive, and validating. You really are not the only one who struggles like this.

((Caring Hugs)))
OE

an abuse hotline? i didn't know this counted as abuse...