I'm just confused....

I'm sitting here on my bed and I'm completely dead inside.... I can't even write what I feel anymore. I had a flashback earlier, which is why I'm up in the middle of the night (CAT) and I can't even really post about it. I'm just do confused... I feel nothing, the fear is gone, I'm just numb. What's happening to me??? I don't even care if the world ends...

I'm looking at my hands while they type and I'm disgusted by the strange shapes they form to get to all the keys... It feels like I'm not me, like I'm standing beside myself, watching myself...

I don't really like myself, I'm oddly shaped, almost deformed... weird bumps and things, it's not smooth like a lake should be...

((((((((((((( tanya ))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry it's been so rough. How are you doing today?

It sounds like you might be having some depersonalization due to the flashback? Alot of times I didn't remember at all, but what you describe is what someone I know describes when she's dealing with depersonalization.

I hope you're having a better day.

KD

I'm feeling better today, thanks. I'm actually worried because I feel so normal, like it was just a dream and I moved it to the back of my mind. I hardly remember aking this post... which seems kinda weird now. I do remember the flashback though, but I like I said, it's like it was just a dream. I havent had a lot of experience with flashbacks, I thought I had a couple through the years, but I think compared to last night it was only memories. Last night the emotion and fear was so vivid, I got goosebumps all over etc...

I'm just in a weird place at the mo...

Hello I hope the best for you and that you feel better soon. I am going to leave you the hotline number to call if you get up and need someone to call in the night or if you need someone to talk to in person. 1-800-273-TALK. I hope you talk to your Dr and therapist about what is happening you dont have to suffer to this degree there is help. Take care sincerely Soidhonia

(((((((((((((( Tanya ))))))))))))))))

I so understand your feelings of yesterday and today. You're not alone.

I'm glad today is better.

KD

It gets worse at night... it's then that the boogey man decides to come and play... I'm a bit scared of what is happening. I looked in the mirror and it told me to get a grip, that I will never overcome him... I feel like Jekyll and Hyde. My mirror doesn't like me anymore, it only has cruel words nowadays... I'm on a lower dose of meds which is obviously not working. I think my doc doesn't believe me and he did it on purpose to spite me. I'm just biding my time before the war. Can I win myself? Will that battle have an end?

It doesn't want to let me type, I make too many mistakes and have to go back and forth fixing them, just like my life. But I can't always get to all the istakes in time, there is only so much time to fix them. I'm falling apart, can't sleep at night, it doesn't want to, but I can't sleep during the day either... I'm so tired. Been watching reruns to make the time pass... Not a lot of things going on here... a bit quiet during the holidays, or have I become an outsider? Am I the one you all make fun of? Do I beong here, or do I just waste space?

Tanya,
you belong here. You do not just take up space and I experience the very same symptoms you mentioned myself. You are not alone in this.

Thank you KD, Sky and Rainbowzz!

Please hang in there, you will win the battle.

Thank you Tycoon!