[GirlOfManyFaces]

It's been over a year since my traumatic event.. And I finally let myself near boys again. And I met the nicest, sweetest, Godliest, most caring guy I've ever talked to in my life. And I started to like him a lot. So we started talking more and eventually I fell head over heels for this boy. Anyway... I'm literally IN LOVE with him and he is just a friend but we somehow got into this friends with benefits situation and so I stopped that right after it happened. (Not really fwb cuz we didn't do IT) but stupid little me decided to tell him how I really felt and he said he is too young to love anyone. And my heart literally broke in half. I cried and cried and I did something I shouldn't have to try to make myself feel better.

But I feel like I just repeated the entire relationship I had before my Abuser really got physically and sexually abusive. It started just like this. He was kind and I fell for it. I let him know everything about me and then he hurt me.

Now I'm terrified of this new boy and I'm seeing my abuser everywhere. In my bedroom. In my bathroom. At school. EVERYWHERE. He is following me in my head and I'm terrified. I can feel him attacking me when I sleep.

I'm just so scared of men.
I need help. Please

[musicformyears]

hello.
May I know if you have ever told anybody else about this? Maybe an adult? Or somebody else?

~~~stay strong and keep fighting~~~

[Open Eyes]

((gomf)),

I am sorry that you met a guy you liked a lot and were hurt and that triggered you to experience a PTSD cycle of reminders of someone who abused you. It "IS" confusing when someone is nice to us and seems caring at first and then they change when we either respond positively, or set a boundary, or even give in to their control where they abuse.

If I remember correctly, you are still young and when you meet guys your age and get attached like that, often these guys are very immature and not really ready to give you the kind of "responsible" and "caring" responses you are looking for. It doesn't mean they are out to abuse you either, or even that your abuser really "is" threatening you like you have been PTSD cycling about. What is taking place when you cycle like that is it means you are "feeling inadequate and confused" like you did when you were abused. Your brain is showing you what hurt you that caused that feeling of defeat and challenge. I experience that myself so I know how challenging it can be, in fact everyone who suffers from PTSD experiences that so you are not alone.

You did the right thing by talking about it too. It was good that you tried to be more open again, you got triggered into having a cycle so you need to be "patient" so you can work through it, because you "can" work through it and get so you see how it all fit into your being triggered and that you need to slowly realize the difference between this situation and the abuse you suffered. PTSD is like having a smoke alarm in your brain, it can go off when there is no real "fire" but only smoke from a candle burning where the smoke just got close to the detector and set it off, which your body responds to in a startle of "fight/flight" confusion. Well, at one time you did suffer a "real fire/trauma" so you are more sensitive and that means you need to have more patience with yourself and don't decide that you have to feed into the alarm, but instead give yourself time to calm down and think the situation through, which you "are" trying to do. However, it is important not to feed into those feelings of "unworthiness" because that just isn't going to help you "grow" past this episode and move forward.

This young man that you liked so much was being "honest" with you about not being "ready" to be "in love and commit to someone". That doesn't mean you failed somehow, he responded to you and was nice, but he just isn't ready to give you "or anyone" the commitment that he has not grown up enough to really be able to do in his life yet. As you move forward in your own growing up, you need to realize that other people your age will have different "lacks" of being mature and settled enough with themselves that they can just step up to the plate and fill your needs the way you want to happen to somehow help you overcome the bad experiences of being abused.

((gomf))), I just experienced a very challenging weekend myself and while it challenged my own very sensitive PTSD smoke alarm too, I was able to "slow down" enough to pay attention to other people in my world in a different way. Both my parents are hovering around the age of 90 years old and at that point most people, if they have the where with all, are looking back on their lives and thinking about all the things they survived through and learned. By sitting there and listening to both my parents, it just gave me a different perspective in how to think about people in general and how all the different things they experience in life affect them and the truth is, most people have their own personal challenges with "worthiness and fears" gomf.

While you are challenged gomf, the truth is it doesn't mean you are worthless and defeated or that you are unworthy of being loved and appreciated by others either, it doesn't mean you are stupid somehow either. The truth is "most" people are similar to you inside where they have doubts and insecurities and are not sure "how" to do different things or even how to genuinely "commit" in relationships with others be it in friendships or romantic relationships. What you need to understand is that just because a person is standing on a golf course with a putter in their hand and even is dressed to "play" golf, it doesn't mean they are actually "skilled at it enough to engage on a high level of using "developed skills" in that game. So here you are trying to dress the part too, but you know very little about how to play golf in a skilled way either and when you don't hit a ball right you immediately get embarrassed and feel like some kind of failure or that you are going to be hurt, when in reality the other person standing there and is being somewhat friendly to you also doesn't know all that much either. That is "the reality" of where you are right now at your age.

So, what really happened to you is you just went out onto a golf course and met a nice young man, you wanted him to teach you how to play golf, and you have experienced having someone you thought knew the game that didn't and abused you, and you wanted this young man to give you something the other person didn't. This nice young man was not ready to do that, and the real reason for that is because he doesn't really know all the much either, he was being honest with you about it, and your response went right to thinking about the person who didn't know how either and abused you. It isn't the "same" though ((((gomf's)))), the only thing that is happening is your sensitive "alarm" went off in your brain, but the truth is "it is not the same" only you haven't quite figured that out yet. That is not "your fault" and it certainly doesn't mean you are "unworthy" of moving forward and slowly learning how to develop better skills to play some golf either, or even get to a point further down the road in your life where you will know enough to find someone else that will appreciate you better because that person also knows more too.

((GirlofManyFaces))), you need to understand that you are on a golf course with others your age that really have not developed enough skills to play that game either and they want to, but they just don't have enough practice at it yet. When you meet up with someone that tells you that, it doesn't mean you are unworthy, it just means you met a nice person that was nice to you, but just can't play golf that well yet, that's all.

You need to "be patient" and learn to understand that and make sure that you don't feed into the feelings of "unworthiness" that PTSD presents. All people have these feelings from time to time just like you do, the only difference is that with PTSD, these feelings and challenges are "magnified" and it takes you more time to calm down, collect yourself work through it and again move forward and keep learning and growing.

Every single person learns by "doing" and it takes every single person time to learn different "skills" when it comes to relationships with others and understanding how to develop healthy bonds with others. It really is something that comes slowly to people, and everyone makes mistakes or tries too hard or takes on more than they are ready for or even gets hurt or set back at times, no one just automatically "knows how", it just doesn't work like that. We all actually keep learning about relationships and bonds and love and sharing and understanding others "all our lives". You are just learning just like everyone else is, you need to learn how to "not" beat yourself up when you run into these situations where you "struggle" like this and understand that it is really like this for "everyone". It "is" more challenging with PTSD, yes, I struggle with that myself, but it doesn't mean you are incapable of moving forward and still learning and growing.

((Hugs)))
OE

[Ultra Darkness]

How old was this guy? I'm kind of surprised by the "not old enough" thing, though people certainly mature differently.

I don't blame you for being afraid. It's hard not to be when things seem to mirror something else that ended badly.
I'm always here if you need to talk. Just remember that.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Thank you OE for your very helpful post.

((((GOMF))))

[Open Eyes]

((ShaggyChic)),

"Can't see beyond the pain" is a really good description of the struggle with PTSD. I struggle with it myself so I understand the challenge "intimately". When I get triggered and start to experience a PTSD cycle of pain and confusion, yes, I have come to realize how important it is to be patient, to find a way to talk it out, and have another person that can give me feedback that validates my struggle, yet also gives me some things to think about that doesn't patronize me or lead to that "just" ignore or not dwell kind of answer. PTSD is a big challenge to the person who struggles with it, as you know it tends to keep the person trapped in their own mind and confused, yet want to so badly find answers and support rather then getting the common answers of "just ignore and forget it". In the healing, it is important to "learn" things and for the person who is struggling to have the ability to talk about the challenges they suffered through that led to their developing the disorder. Because the average person doesn't understand it and that it really is a big challenge, reaching out for help isn't so easy, because in order to get
the right help, a sufferer has to reach out to people who "do" understand it and "can" offer the right kind of support.

Unfortunately, GirlofManyFaces is surrounded by people who don't know how to help her and I know first hand how that can aggravate the PTSD even more. What saddens me is that I see this taking place with "most" of the members that come here struggling and as I have mentioned I can include myself in that challenge too. It was so bad for me that I got so I had very dark and dangerous cycles and I came close to not being here to be honest. I don't want someone else to have that happen, it's not right and it doesn't have to happen, a person suffering truly deserves help and "can" get past the point where they feel so disconnected they struggle to function at all. Yes, I was there myself, so I know it well.

I try very hard to reach out to different members, I try to listen and see where they are and what their environment is like too. I try to do my best to validate and offer some thoughts that would have helped me when I was alone suffering with no help and surrounded by people who were only making me worse. I know it is a big relief when another person is able to step up to the plate and be validating and caring and "knowing"instead of "dismissive" as so many tend to be because they genuinely do not know anything about PTSD and tend to do and say all the wrong things.

We can all talk about the "symptoms" of PTSD and how crippling they can be. However, what is important to the "healing" is not just the symptoms, but what "triggers" these symptoms to take place in each individual, because it isn't always the same for each person. What is the same is that someone was traumatized or abused in some way and the person didn't know how to fix it or change the situation that person was in somehow. It "never" means it was their fault or that the person was in any way unworthy or dumb. What I have learned in my own challenge is that what the reality was it that it was not me or my fault but instead the "inability or knowledge in the other people around me". The "truth" is, that there are "many" people on that golf course that are dressed the part and "look" like they know what to do and how to play, BUT THEY REALLY DON'T. That is never the person who is struggling's fault.

If any one of us in this forum struggling takes some time to sit back and listen to what is taking place in this site alone, the truth is A LOT OF PEOPLE STRUGGLE and have no idea what the game is really all about, and they tend to BLAME THEMSELVES which is the wrong thing to do.

I have been in situations where "neglect and abuse" was taking place and people ignored it and chose to do their best to put up with it "to get along" somehow or find a way around it as long as "they got theirs". I do not do that, I am the one who stands up and says something about it and when I do that "I" am not very popular. However, because people do know this about me, if they see something taking place that makes them uncomfortable, they find a way to say something to me about it so I get mad and DO THE DIRTY WORK so others can stay in that social situation without CREATING WAVES or being targeted for having the courage to SPEAK UP.

For example, I was in a situation where a person was severely neglecting their children. Others around me chose to ignore it because if they did say something it would have compromised the things they were getting out of that environment. I was the ONLY ONE to distance myself and DO THE RIGHT THING. To my surprise these other people did not say or do anything to support me, and some of them supported the person who was severely neglecting their children, and it really surprised me "who" these people where too. I did the right thing by drawing attention to it where people would observe it and take the appropriate actions. However, I became a target for anger and resentment where horrible gossip was spread about me that was all totally false. And sadly, some people chose to believe that gossip and I have to say that it came out in the lawsuit that I am involved in where another negligent person's actions greatly damaged things I worked so hard for significantly.

The one thing I have learned in my effort to seek justice is how people choose to distance and not get involved and support the "victim". In fact the opposing side knows this takes place and they count on it for winning their case too. They already know that people are afraid to become a witness because it means they themselves will be investigated to where who they are and their past will be scrutinized. This is REAL and it has been something that I never expected to experience and learn about this way in my life EVER. I even was stuck with a lawyer who was incompetent and I tried to reach out for help with that too, NO ONE WANTED TO GET INVOLVED with that either. And trying to find a lawyer to help me with a malpractice suit? That has proven to be just as hard because first, there are very "few" lawyers that will do that, and second they have to see that it will be profitable for them to engage in it too.

Dealing with my situation and also struggling with PTSD too, has been "HELL". Yesterday, I was thinking about how many different scenario's I experienced with people who "avoid the truth so much and RUN" and WOULD RATHER LIVE IN DENIAL. Its WRONG. I want to find a way to EXPOSE ALL OF THEM because of how THEY ALL DESERVE TO BE EXPOSED and SHAMED. What I really want is to haul them ALL INTO COURT and be PUT ON THE STAND, SO I CAN EXPOSE THEM FOR WHO THEY REALLY ARE. And the answer I keep getting is that I can't do that and it would bring down holy hell on me and that I could lose everything.

In 2006 I had a colonoscopy and during the procedure my spleen with struck and I began to bleed internally. I went through HELL because NO ONE WANTED TO TALK ABOUT IT with me and even tried to DENY IT and BLAME ME. I sat across from a man that refused to discuss it and insisted that I must have been in a car accident. I also tried to get legal help and found that unless I had some kind of permanent damage they were not interested in my case. I could not even find a lawyer to help me at least get what I deserved, TO SEE THE IMAGES OF MY INJURY AND HAVE IT EXPLAINED TO ME. I finally pushed my way into insisting my GP see me and that is when I finally learned that the reason no one would help me is BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL AFRAID OF BEING HELD LIABLE and NO DOCTOR WANTS ANYTHING LIKE THAT HAPPENING BECAUSE IT WILL JEOPARDIZE THEIR LIABILITY INSURANCE, and they don't want that cost to go up, because ANYTHING that happens can create their insurance company to raise their premiums or even worse, decide not to cover them and without insurance they can't practice. Our doctors work in "fear" now, they genuinely CAN'T AFFORD TO BE HONEST and consider the patient's needs FIRST AND FORMOST.

Well, I didn't mean to get long winded here. However, what I will say is that what I have found is that many people devote more time "distancing" and living their lives in "denial" too. When someone struggles with PTSD, it really is not their fault and I can't say enough that while it is such a challenge, it is important to look for the support YOU DESERVE to have because there "are" people out there that "do" know that and can help. Keep in mind that when you make that effort and commit to healing, even when it is a challenge, you WILL make gains and as you do so you will be another person who will understand it better and be able to reach out to someone else who also deserves to have the help they need too. Yes, there are a lot of people on that golf course that really don't know how to play, the only ones that will change that are those of us who struggle because of it, work at healing and learning and then speaking up more.

Something to think about.....

OE

[GirlOfManyFaces]

Originally Posted by Ultra Darkness

How old was this guy? I'm kind of surprised by the "not old enough" thing, though people certainly mature differently.

I don't blame you for being afraid. It's hard not to be when things seem to mirror something else that ended badly.
I'm always here if you need to talk. Just remember that.

He is 16. Only about 6mo older than me. But he is homeschooled so he has grown up differently than I have. I've had other people's mistakes to learn him. He hasn't.

Thank you <3

[Ultra Darkness]

Originally Posted by GirlOfManyFaces

He is 16. Only about 6mo older than me. But he is homeschooled so he has grown up differently than I have. I've had other people's mistakes to learn him. He hasn't.

Thank you <3

That makes sense. I think homeschooling can sometimes have an effect on emotional maturity in relation to others. I was homeschooled, and I often have trouble imagining what it would be like to be with someone, let alone do it.