[Teacake]

Do others do this?

I get slower and slower. Depressed, constipated, groggy and foggy, slow and fatigued.

At the same time I am hyperaroused, irritable, easily startled, peering all the time.

One foot on the gas the other on the brake.

It gets thicker and thicker, like a thunderstorm. Thick and heavy. O can't think. O feel suicidal. I feel such despair. It's all so hopeless. I am so tired.

Then it breaks. Not flashbacks but memories. Ruminations. Old, old freaking OLD stories. I used to journal. I'd write and write.longhand. Always there is some new insight. Ot can be small ans not so important.

Is processing of trauma such a constantly sifting thing? Doesn't ot get boring? I think Ots boring to remember thirty year old stories.

I trance. Does everyone trance? O sit and stare at old memories writing or typing. Then its clear. I am clearn. I have some new insight about who o am.. a spell is broke.

Is that normal. Would emdr speed it up?

I'm kiind of annoyed.to be back processing trauma when I want physical stuff to he enough

I wish to NOT be crazy anymore.

[SkyWhite]

Originally Posted by Teacake

Is processing of trauma such a constantly sifting thing? Doesn't ot get boring? I think Ots boring to remember thirty year old stories.

I trance. Does everyone trance? O sit and stare at old memories writing or typing. Then its clear. I am clearn. I have some new insight about who o am.. a spell is broke.

Is that normal.

You pretty much described what I've been experiencing. I feels like it comes in waves. And it is sort of boring to remember all that old 30 and 40 yr old stuff. The past few days I've been saying things like, "Yah, it happened, but it felt normal so what's the big deal." or "This is pretty bad s*** so why can't I feel anything? The worst part is I want to cry it out but can't.

I trance too. It's funny sometimes when I catch myself doing it. I guess our brains are processing and we don't really know it.

I feel it's like a roller coaster ride like, Yay! a new insight. Then, oh crap, here I go again as I plummet into depression.

I'm pretty sure all of this is normal. Our psyches are processing everything that is surfacing.

[Teacake]

This isn't living life.

[Open Eyes]

Yes, this is how the cycles of PTSD happen. Most people experience this in their lives, we all ruminate and reflect back on our history, we do that because as we live our lives we continue to learn and grow and understand and learn more and more from different perspectives as we get older. It is just greatly "magnified" when someone struggles with PTSD. That being said, it is not unusual for a person to develop PTSD "years" after they have experienced trauma/traumas of some kind. That was recognized when a commemorative ceremony was offered for veterans where they got together, watched video footage and a discussion of the war they took part in and were honored. Many of these men had gone for years living normal lives but now began to experience PTSD and were very confused.

I have never had EMDR myself, however, what I think really happens is that when a person goes through that process, they don't face "dismissiveness and disbelief", but instead are allowed to express their traumatic events and feel "believed and heard" and that together with the eye movement is most likely what is behind gaining a sense of "relief". That is just my opinion however, what I feel is significant to presenting a sense of "relief" is having another human being "believe the trauma without question".

I am so sorry you are struggling right now, I know how challenging that is Teacake. However, IMHO, the relief takes place when you are able to talk through it and gain validation, which is something you have not had. And I have gone into that in more depth in your other thread.

[Open Eyes]

Wow Teacake, I wrote you a long good post that I thought got submitted in your other thread and I got distracted with a call and I guess I didn't hit submit right. Ugh, I spent so much time on that too, I can't believe it.

I will have to try again when I have more time, sorry.

Even what you said is not longer there now. I am totally confused now.

OE

[Teacake]

But I dont get validated. I get blamed and made to feel foolish. When Ive expressed anger, ive been scolded for being "elitist". See, its just natural for white men to menace girls in parking garages, but its eggregiously shameful snobbery for gifted girls to dislike them for being so disadvantaged.

The best validation for me is from white racists themselves. They aren't ashamed of what they are and they are proud of what they do. They dont need white psychologists to deny their existence. At least the overt racists are honest. I can respect that.

[doglover1979]

Is it possible that you may have Bipolar? What you described in your original post sounds almost like a mixed state. I have experienced that before and it is absolutely terrible.

It could be related to trauma for all I know. It's just that your description of what you are experiencing feels very familiar to me.

Either way, I hope you feel better soon.

[Teacake]

Thanks doglover. I dont have bipolar. I dont get manic. Its interesting that bipolars have the same thing. Mine dissipates when I remember. I will flashback, usually to a new aspect of the experience, and feel exhausted but good and peaceful.

Truth be told there is another element of this. It is "I dont want to know". Its an awful lot like "i dont want to throw up". When something has to come up its so much better to just toss it than to sit around dreading it.

[avlady]

I get into trances like someone has put a spell on me. I am not sure if that is what you mean by trances, but i often get them. i also have PTSD from several head injuries and accidents, so i don't know if that is what causes them either.

[Open Eyes]

Teacake, I struggle with this every day and have been for going on 7 years now since I saw all my ponies and horses so badly damaged by my neighbor's dog.

I have been misdiagnosed, invalidated, and unheard even when my neighbor kept on being intrusive and disrespectful, even though I have a clear pattern of when the damage took place. I was invalidated when I tried to reach out for help not only for my psychological challenges but also when my attorney was failing mentally and developing increasing dementia and inability to do his job. Now I am dealing with another attorney who doesn't understand PTSD and is discouraged that she made an attempt to fix my case as now potential witnesses cannot remember something that happened 7 years ago. People simply don't remember when they are not affected personally, it is just the way it is.

I am triggered every day when I go outside and tend to these damaged animals and because of all the reminders of trauma that took place everywhere I look, even when I don't want that to happen. When I talk to my lawyer I only get worse and get even more triggered to a point where I am in a great deal of pain. I am often talking to myself as I try to continue caring for what animals I have left and I love them yet when I do that I am triggered because love = hurt now in my subconscious mind, even when I keep telling myself not to be that way.

If only others could be in my body and live through it like I do, understand how much work it is, how exhausting it is as well as every symptom you have described, maybe there would be some "validation".

[ginaaa22]

You can have bipolar and not be manic like me. Definitely get thst checked out...

As for emdr I work with a specialist in it and reprocessing helps you realize some irrational thought you may have about it. Also usually during a traumatic event you go into fight or flight. As in my case, severe physical and mental abuse for years as a child, can cause this constant state of fight or flight. During this time our subconscious is remembering things and concerts them to implistic memory. So once this is a memory when trauma occurs we automatically are triggered and have the physical symptoms of ptsd. You remember the event with explicite memory and that can be bothersome if you have unresolved trauma. So part of emdr tries to get your body to say hey these memories you have are in the past and there is no immediate threat. This way you can deal with your feelings and yhe situation logically instead of these learned responses. For me if im in a confrontational situation I tend to run away or face it head on and blow things way out of proportion. I get sweaty, agitated, cant sleep, and feel uneasy. The goal of treatment is to stop those reactions and be able to process things. Hope this makes sense. Alot of this information I didn't find online. My t had a huge hand out with all this information.

Just as a side note: because of all of my abuse and during it I internalized alot of it and just took it. I was a child and my mom would beat me so I was just quiet. During the time I lived with her I was in fight or flight and my body was in overdrive. Once I moved in with my dad I started getting very very sick. My t says its because my defense mechanism was gone. All of the issues I have are stress related and dont have a definite cause or cure.

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[ginaaa22]

Also forgot..there are many other steps in emdr that I did not discuss.

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