Afraid to share story again.

(((Skywhite))),

I am sorry your sister treats you that way. When she does that to you, that is expressing her inability to have "empathy" for you and instead how she cannot get past "her own issues". The truth is that in your's and her childhoods, there was no adult there for you to help you with that, all you had was a very selfish mother who was inaccessible emotionally. When that takes place a child is left to their own and often just doesn't understand and doesn't feel worthy somehow.

On a broader note, that problem with different people not being available emotionally is something very common. A person can be surrounded by family and yet be very lonelyand that is because the family lacks with the capacity to open up and connect and validate each other emotionally. As a result trying to have "real heartfelt " conversations doesn't really take place and different family members remain somewhat emotionally disconnected or they feel their emotional challenges and simply cannot see the emotional challenges of others.

I experienced this myself and what I did not realize was how others didn't see me as I had thought. I really struggled when I saw how much of what I loved and spent so much time on destroyed that I developed post traumatic stress. I did not have others around me to recognize that and instead the reaction was anger, especially from my older sister. I have learned that when another person cannot open up their emotions enough to express genuine empathy, they express "anger" and even "resentments" or they have different ways of expressing how busy they are so they can disconnect.

I was the one who was the only one really that could emotionally connect with others and I didn't realize it until "I" needed to have that from someone else. When I developed PTSD the gravity of how bad that really was really crippled me and I saw so much more "dysfunction" then I had realized there was. As a result, I got so bad that I had to disconnect from my older sister, even hearing her voice would severely trigger me.

It took me a couple of years to even be able to talk to her. What I did notice is a conversation with her went fine as long as I was "empathizing" with her and meeting her emotional needs, she could talk with me on the phone for a couple of hours as long as I kept the focus on "empathizing her needs and emotional challenges", as soon as I would put myself into that mix with "my" emotional needs, it never failed, she suddenly needed to do something else and disconnect.

I have been doing my own little study with people in general as I meet a lot of different people and what I have learned is that a lot of people do not know how to empathize, listen, and emotionally connect. I have even seen this when I observe the political arena. I have even noticed this challenge with people who are supposed to be professional psychologists too, people who know a lot about different personality disorders or the soup to nuts professionals, know more than I know, but, they just "cannot" emotionally connect. Instead what they do is "instruct" and can even be condescending, but emotionally connecting is just simply not there in them and they actually can get uncomfortable if that is requested of them too.

There "are" good therapists out there that "can" so it is always important to allow one's self to make sure there is a connection taking place and if not, then look for another therapist.

OE

Yes, our phone calls were the same. When I tried to talk about my stuff she would disconnect, down play its significance or say something hurtful. This went on for years! I felt she was trying to destroy me and keep me from being happy and getting better. The thing is, I just kept right on phoning her and keeping in touch hoping and hoping she would be different. My T said I have to mourn the loss of a sister I never had.

I was always the empathetic one in the family, the one who wore her heart on her sleeve. They would come to me with their problems, but I never felt I could go to them. It's a lonely way to be in a family. It's the same way now. I don't hate them at all, but I do my best to stay away. I trigger too easily right now to risk contact with any of them.

When I'm more stable I want to go over these family issues with my T because they're all going to be around for awhile. I'll have to learn how to cope with them.

((SkyWhite)),

Yes, disconnecting is better for you while you work through your own emotional challenges, that is what I have done and I am careful about it when I do connect,
however, as I gain on myself I do better. I do my best to remember not to blame
others as we are what we know and if a person doesn't know how to connect emotionally, they don't realize it and yes will tend to just "need" and not "give" but,
with help a person can slowly "learn" how to emotionally connect better, however,
they have to address their own baggage first.

This is a common family problem that gets handed down from one generation to the next unfortunately. If you have ever watched "The Nanny" on television you will see
how she goes from family to family addressing this and showing them why they are
dysfunctional and struggling. I don't know if that is still on, it used to be on primetime
and I thought that was great, but for some reason that changed.

I do remember the Nanny. I didn't watch it much because I don't have kids, but she was very good. It kind of reminded me of the Dog Whisperer. Instead of training dog owners and rehabilitating dogs, she trained parents and rehabilitated children, ha!