[BreezyB]

I moved across the country three weeks ago because things were just not going well where I grew up and had lived my whole entire life. I had a life time of experiences in my "home town" and most of them were absolutely horrific, and I got stuck in a whirlwind of drama, defense mechanisms, and addiction. I definitely needed a chance to get away and collect myself and my thoughts, and I took full advantage of this opportunity. I have done tons of self reflection, read quite a bit, journaled quite a bit, and found very much insight in my life. My mind is more clear than it has ever been. However, it is time to go home now, my grandma (who I have been living with here) has not been very welcoming and I am eager to be back home where I feel a bit more wanted. I am conflicted with feelings of being excited and overcome with anxiety.

What if all of this insight I have found goes out the window as soon as I touch down at the airport? Like a switch just flips in my head and I go back to my old ways, my defense mechanisms kick right back in?

What about the drama that is going to be going around all around me? It is so calm and so boring here, which made my recovery so easy...back home my life is filled with drama, my whole entire family thrives off of it. How will I keep from getting sucked right back in?

And my boyfriend...will I continue to be distant from him, will my heart continue to hold it's stone walls that I seem to believe have at least cracked since I have been here? Will I finally let him in, or will I continue to break his heart like I have been? He really has to deal with the brunt of my PTSD, unfortunately. He has been unbelievably supportive, but despite this fact, I have left him multiple times, broke his heart multiple times, due to my PTSD and fear of abandonment issues. I feel so guilty and terrible because he loves me so much, and I continuously break his heart. I just get so afraid of connecting with him, so afraid of trusting him, that I break it off. As soon as I start to feel close to him, my emotions shut down, my heart shuts down, and I run far away. It's so terrible but it happens each and every time, and with all of my emotions. I am afraid I will never be able to experience the great feelings in life because of my PTSD. When I go back home I am moving back in with him because I want to try it again, because I am afraid I left the relationship because my issues beat me. I also battle feelings of guilt - that I am guilty for being attracted to men who abused me - I have been in multiple abusive relationships and blame myself for being attracted to those type of men. The man I am going back to now, is such a great man but I just can't seem to connect with him - and then it comes down to allowing myself to feel what I feel - do I allow myself to feel what I feel, or is it really just my issues, and do I need to work through them and then will I connect with him? Or is he just not the one?

Ugh it's just too much. I get anxiety just thinking about it.

[Parley]

I have no idea if he is or not the one. I know when I met my husband, letting him in my life wasn't an easy task but I had many of your questions answered already.

I think three weeks is a nice break but i'm not sure it was really enough time to work through issues.

I'm suppose to be supportive here so I'm choosing my words wisely but it seems you are setting yourself up for disappointment by going to live with a man because of guilt.

Have you considered therapy?

[Open Eyes]

I think it is great that you were able to get away from the dysfunction and chaos and
have all this time to reflect and have some quiet as you do so.

I can't blame you for being anxious about going back home where all that dysfunction
is taking place either. It is quite possible that you will be triggered and what will still
be the same is how the others in that environment will fail to support you or understand
how their behaviors can be disturbing to you.

I think the only real way to do that is to have a good therapist there that can help you, and to be able to establish a "safe" place for yourself that allows you to have space
away from the dysfunction so you can continue to work on your healing.

As far as this boyfriend who loves you but doesn't understand how you are challenged
and how you have all these questions about how you can "know" if he is the right partner for you or not, well, that is not going to be known until you have had enough
therapy and time to sort out the core issues that challenge you and get to a point where
you understand "you" better. We can't have good relationships with others until we
have a chance to understand and "self relate" better.

You are not alone with needing time to yourself so you can get a handle on all the things that have been overwhelming you either. You need not feel guilty if you are not ready to make a decision about this young man that says he loves you either. The truth is "you honestly do not know" how to move forward with him either, and there is no use
on even trying to do that until you have time to sort out yourself.

The "truth" is that there is an endless supply of dysfunctional families and an endless supply of individuals like you that come to a point where they need to step back and
have some time to sort themselves out and figure out what "they" want in life. However, you have PTSD, so that means your own attempt to step away and have
time to sort yourself out will be more of a challenge. Because of that you will need
to have space and a good support system available to you. There is nothing wrong with needing that either.

So, my advice is "if" you have to go back into that dysfunctional environment, you need
so make sure you have your own space and you also need to be able to tell this boyfriend that you need that space and you really cannot give him answers right now until you have time and help to work on "yourself" first.

You are right, the people in that environment are only going to continue whatever they
are doing that is dysfunctional. You are going to have to learn how to no longer have
that affect you, and that takes time and space and support.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[BreezyB]

Thank you so much, OE, that was really helpful.

Originally Posted by Parley

I have no idea if he is or not the one. I know when I met my husband, letting him in my life wasn't an easy task but I had many of your questions answered already.

I think three weeks is a nice break but i'm not sure it was really enough time to work through issues.

I'm suppose to be supportive here so I'm choosing my words wisely but it seems you are setting yourself up for disappointment by going to live with a man because of guilt.

Have you considered therapy?

Please do not feel bad, I completely respect what you said and worry I am setting myself up for disappointment as well. There is a glimmer of hope inside of me that it is just my issues that were/are holding me back and maybe I will be able to work through those now - I don't know if it is completely out of guilt, but I do admit it is somewhat out of guilt. Thank you for being honest.

I have considered therapy and will be getting into therapy when I get home. I have been in therapy in the past.