[MotownJohnny]

I feel so alone in my life. I am surrounded by people, I know many of them care about me, but none of them really "get it" and understand fully what it is like to be in this situation.

I am going to face a rough week emotionally, I know that, because of life moving on, things changing. Change happens, I accept that. But I just feel trapped in a life that is difficult in ways that it should not be, because of all of the past events that happened to me, and I do have a sense of "it's all so unfair". I just want to get off of the roller coaster, but it never comes to a stop. Jumping isn't an option. So, the best you can do is ride it out. What happens when you are so sick of riding you just want to puke and scream, but you can't do that, because the other riders in the roller coaster of life just view that as more evidence of your weakness? You sit back, calm yourself down, and carry on ... because there is no other option. That is my life ... I have no other option. I used to think at times about suicide as "the big out" ... but I no longer do. I still fully believe in a right to it ... I just have absolutely no desire to do it. And, running away might be lovely ... but also not a realistic option ... because running into an entirely new life would NOT solve my problem, if my problem is a maladaptive way of responding to stress, a FUBAR world view developed as a boy growing up in a very FUBAR household, and reinforced as a grown man by life events that were just as FUBAR. Except that there is one saving grace, I am not FUBAR. I have proven that to myself ... I can learn and change and develop better coping mechanisms and attitudes. I know there is hope for my life ... it just is very hard work. I'm not afraid of hard work ... but I just wish I could "get a break from it" now and again. PTSD is like a job in some ways ... you can go home at night and forget it for a while with distraction, but you have to go back to it in the morning, like it or not. Worse, it's like a prison sentence to hard labor in another way ... no breaks, no vacations, no furloughs, you can't just "get away for a few days or weeks" even if you really NEED a break.

I really am trying to grow and better myself ... but at times, it seems discouraging. When people around me ... don't change. My family is a challenge ... they are very resistant to living any way but the way we were forced to growing up. They don't seem to realize that the jailer is dead, and the prison doors have been unlocked. So, when life events happen, small or big ... they do what they always did ... overreact, turn every tiny thing into a big crisis, become defensive, whatever. I know, I am the only one that can change ... my reaction to them. It's just hard.

[glok]

Hello, MotownJohnny. I commend you for your courage and wish you well.

[birdpumpkin]

Totally feel exactly as the title of your post. It seems since our fire in December everyone has moved on and carried on with their lives and expecting me to do the same. I seem to be the only one suffering. People have told me maybe my husband and son just grieve in a different way. I don't know. But everyone in my life, my family, just seem to have moved on and are carrying on just fine while I'm suffering the after effects alone. I cry all the time, am depressed, am scared, anxious, etc. As you said, no one seems to "get it." I always felt change was scary, even before ptsd. You seem to be very brave and positive.

Yes, MotownJohnny, I totally get this!

If I could make it all better for those of us dealing with it, I would!

I wish there was a magic wand to wave or something like that, but alas there isn't ... So there really is no option but to ride it out ...

As interminable as that may seem while we're there (in that place)!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

[A Red Panda]

I understand this very well.

I actually DID decide (when I was 16, after my OD when I was 15... and that showed me more than anything else just how messed up my mom is....) that I would take the stance of "I'm not letting my family ruin me" and deciding to go to war where it was Me VS. My Brain. Gooooo trauma + bipolar 2!

It was really hard. I spent so many years knowing that I was doing it on my own... (ha, since birth really). I've had times where I felt like there was someone in my life... and then having them reinforce the thoughts that I'm worthless. Right now I really think that I do have support in my life (age 30... so I've been working for half my damn life actively, after spending most of the first 15 just trying to survive) and a lot of the time I still feel like it's not real and that I'm always going to be on my own.

My family will never change either. I just had to remove myself as much as I can, and enforce my own boundaries as best as I can.

I'm so proud of you for deciding that suicide is an option! I did the same at some point. It's really tough to keep that mindset sometimes (I tend to go "F*** OFF BRAIN!!!! as a mantra for myself when they crop up). And I am also proud of you for not running away! I've ran away a lot... I'm really, really, trying not to now as I have a permanent job. But oh man do I ever want to quite often! I keep it under wraps by planning vacations and then going on them!

[Open Eyes]

Yes, it is hard and can feel lonely, and yes PTS does change someone, they become more aware, not only of themselves, but of the way others are too. A lot of people are on auto pilot and don't realize it.

Yes, you are right, it is not unusual for a family to get used to living in "dysfunction" and developing "auto responses" to different situations where they end up playing the same role and that is the way they "learned to tie their shoes" in a way and it becomes so automatic in their subconscious minds, they just "react and behave" in certain ways and they are often just comfortable with it.

The truth is Mowtown each person really "is" alone in the way they react and behave, they just don't realize it, because their subconscious mind just gets used to it. That is why so many people get stressed with "change". One of the known big stresses in our lives is "changing homes" and also "changing jobs or retiring".

When we talked about PTSD in your other thread and I presented all that information? Well, what you experienced is a treatment that certain professionals just got used to following along with and how they were looking at you as a patient was not the way you should have been viewed. The information that I provided is not that old and it is taking time for this information to be learned and accepted by different individuals that looked at symptoms and got used to diagnosing those symptoms a certain way that was not really accurate.

You could see the difference and understand it much better and you did relate to it. You were so relieved to be able to read something that accurately describes "you", me too. However, there are many people who are still using "old information" and "old understanding and diagnosing" methods that as you know, was wrong for you and wrong for me and many others. Unfortunately, the acceptance and practice of this new information is not going to take place over night. Change and learning to understand change, takes time, and often more time than it should, and some people will refuse to change too. If a person develops a formula that works for them, they are less apt to want to change that formula, even if it is dysfunctional or wrong, if it works for that person they tend to keep doing and believing their way is the right way. Even societies adapt this way too. We look at other cultures in shock with different ways they actually accept "abuse and enslavement and atrocities", how can these societies accept this behavior? It seems insane and inhumane doesn't it, but it is "their culture" and "what they know and will defend" too.

Well it is hard to see things in a very different way, it is a "change" that came very unexpectedly too. However, as you heal and make "gains" on it, you will learn to gradually realize this change was never about your unworthiness then or now, you now have a chance to learn "more" and in more positive ways, however, it does take a lot of time and patience to develop ways to see dysfunction and not over react to it in the now.

You have been very proactive though Mowtown, you have taken on new hobbies and activities that are "productive" and also allow you to learn new things with your new sense of awareness and healing too. There will be times when these "old" injuries come in to question, but it is important to look at them for just injuries as they are, that you are healing and growing, and you are not crazy, you are just healing and yes, others will not understand it because they have no experience with it, just as they would not really understand any other injury as they would had they experienced it first hand.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by birdpumpkin

Totally feel exactly as the title of your post. It seems since our fire in December everyone has moved on and carried on with their lives and expecting me to do the same. I seem to be the only one suffering. People have told me maybe my husband and son just grieve in a different way. I don't know. But everyone in my life, my family, just seem to have moved on and are carrying on just fine while I'm suffering the after effects alone. I cry all the time, am depressed, am scared, anxious, etc. As you said, no one seems to "get it." I always felt change was scary, even before ptsd. You seem to be very brave and positive.

Others did not have the same emotional attachments you had and had other things that were more important to them too. Most likely the cats were "yours" and your other family members did not have the same sense of responsibility to them as you did. You are also talking about two males, verses a female and the emotional attachments are different.

[splitimage]

I used to feel this way. But it was my own defenses and disease at work. I was so scared of being hurt or rejected that I let very few people get close to me.

I self medicated for years with alcohol, and became more and more ashamed and isolated, I basically pushed my friends away, and did very much feel like I was on my own.

But when I had my crisis in 06 and sought my first help for my addiction and subsequent treatment for depression and PTSD, I slowly started letting people into my life. I reached out to old friends, and I opened up to them, and told them I was struggling. The response was overwhelmingly positive. I also started going to AA, and met people there, who seemed happy to see me. Eventually the evidence was so overwhelming I had to accept that people liked me, warts and all, and so maybe therefore I'm likeable. That was a huge leap.

Today I have a large and healthy support system, both on-line and IRL. I have friends that I just hang out with and have fun, and friends I can call on when I'm struggling. I have an incredible treatment team - both for addictions and mental health, and I know they genuinely care about how I'm doing.

Maybe I was just lucky, but I found by opening up and letting people in, I got great support.

splitimage

[Numbed]

Me vs World, upto age 26. Met someone who I'd fight World for, but She's still in corner.

For me it was Counter-Dependence. "The tough guys disorder."

Never experienced loneliness felt like, again til 26.
(always been alone, think fractured personality though)

[BLUEDOVE]

I have had to jettison 2brothers and 1sister. They are
still carrying the insanity of M+F. I am only one who has awakened,they are still asleep in trance I
used to be in (started to awake in year 2000).
So they are replicas of parents,and I had enough of
them! Look after YOU! You are your first
responsibility.
Blessings,
BLUEDOVE

[Teacake]

Yeah. And I know Its childhood drama. I've got a 150 iq and I am asking social workers for help. Traumatic reenactment anyone?

I
figure I have to save myself.