[JaneC]

Tomorrow I am back to university and the anxiety is getting the better of me!!

It is not the work, I passed all 4 papers from the first half of this year with good(well, others say great!) grades. It's the people.....people make me anxious as all heck! Some of the people had me feeling so stressed last semester, as you may remember.

I am so anxious.......and it shows up as feeling like I am about to burst out crying any second, like something bad is about to happen........and now by not wanting to sleep.

People...they stress me out! I feel judged, I worry about their intentions, what they think of me, how they are going to treat me. I am sick of this! People's words evoke such strong reactions in me...... ugh! Just....how long will it take for me to feel more relaxed, less affected by other people.

I know it is because of historic stuff........it can't be just me that are affected so much by people? I hate that I just feel like running in the opposite direction always! Sigh

[glok]

Hello, JaneC. Does the university you attend offer counseling for students. You would benefit from some.

I wish you well.

[Open Eyes]

Hi Jane, this is something that is common with PTSD, anticipation anxiety. Most people would be anxious about starting new classes and meeting new people. The thing with PTSD is that normal concerns are magnified. Yes, you did get through your last courses but you encountered some challenges that were very stressful for you so it is no wonder you worry about what kind of challenges you will face this time.

Awareness is much higher with someone who struggles with PTSD and people who struggle with PTSD are not just more aware, but they are "hyper aware". Well, you are slowly learning about the situations that trigger and bother you and as you are learning to recognize them, you have also been learning new skills to handle them as you go forward. The thing to remember about your last experience is that you "did" work through it all and you actually did handle things quite well even though you struggle with PTSD which makes it more challenging emotionally in ways others don't always understand. You are trying to understand it all better too and yes that can be a lot of work.

The secret is to continue to talk yourself through these challenges, keep learning how to self sooth and self calm with the idea of finally developing new deep set skills to help yourself better regulate the anxiety verses allowing yourself to feed into it. Listen to the negative thoughts that come up and practice disengaging them to develop more positive thoughts instead. You actually "do" have a lot of positive things about you Jane, you really do and I have noticed that about you for some time now. When I read about your history and the different people you have had in your life, I have noticed that you have never had a chance to develop into a person who doesn't care when another person decides that you need to be what they want you to be or that you need to have a presentation they seem to think is desirable. I have noticed that you never really had someone just give you permission to have "your own" tastes and desires and feel that you are "deserving and entitled and respected" for your choices as well as your own emotional challenges.

Ok, with everything you have learned thus far, what have you noticed about others? Are they really "judging" you? Actually, if you really think about it, what others tend to show you is "their needs" and how "their needs" tend to supersede yours. For example, when you are around your mother, she consistently needs to put others off when they do not fit into whatever she deems "worthy". Well, you never realized how that had affected you, your sister never realized that either and what happens as a result is that both you and your sister are stressed out whenever your mother is around the two of you. That is part of your "core" challenge and a big part of how your "negative" thoughts develop. This is a common problem that many people have where they develop deep subconscious skills that work around people who are somehow dysfunctional they grow up with, or spend a long period of time with. It is every bit the same as learning how to tie shoes to a point where we can do it without even thinking about it.

People who struggle with what is called "complex" PTSD often feel like their personal history or subconscious is suddenly in complete disarray and they are extremely confused and don't even know how to explain it or even understand it themselves. So, whenever they face a day they don't have a sense of "self" like they used to have. It is as though they played a certain role in their lives that they learned how to play all their lives and all of a sudden that role is taken away and they have no idea why or what to do about it and there suddenly is no director there to explain it to them either. That is the "rescuer" that people who struggle look for.

When you need to vent or talk about whatever it is that challenges you Jane, what you need is the validation and reassurance that some of your "core skills" are fine and some of the concerns you have are normal and fine too. It is like getting used to wearing certain shoes to go certain places, getting to a point where you have those shoes lined up somewhere and you know automatically which ones you feel comfortable in for certain situations. Then, suddenly something bad happens and your shoes are missing and you can't find them or explain the importance of how different shoes fit into different situations for you and you "just" knew which ones to grab and it was no big deal. Also, you never really realized how each pair were so important to you either. As you face having "no" shoes or maybe only a few, you begin to have all these emotions about the ones that are missing and part of you feels like it is dumb and that you should not be so upset, part of you is angry that some of them are missing, and part of you stresses every time you have to go somewhere because the shoes you always "just" slipped into are not there now. You also are very taken back because you never realized how important those shoes were to you either.

What I am describing Jane is how our subconscious mind really works and how we "all" get used to things unique to ourselves that we don't really realize. Most people don't realize how much of them is somewhat "automatic" and how very little they use their conscious mind in their lives. When someone has PTSD and so many shoes are suddenly missing, they have to spend more time thinking things through and that actually over works and stresses the conscious mind, that is why "change" is always a challenge to people, any major change like moving, or getting a new car after driving one for years and "just" knowing where everything is, yes, change is always a challenge until our brain slowly settles into having a deep sense of whatever a "change" happens to be.

So, this is what you need to understand about "yourself" and in understanding that, it takes away a lot of the "charge" that you experience where you feel stress and don't quite understand "why". Also, as far as your mother is concerned, she has deep subconscious auto things about her too that she doesn't realize are causing stress to you and your sister or others that find her presence somewhat stressful. I am just using that as an example, you did have shoes for that but you lost them and now you are much more "aware" of how uncomfortable you are around her. It takes time to develop a new "just" app that you feel better about with a presence like her that you are comfortable with again and even in a healthier way too.

What you need to understand better is that not all of your deep skills were wrong or bad, you actually do have some good skills, you just need to slowly develop new deep set skills and make "gains" in your own personal way again. Yes, you had some challenges in your last session of classes, you were taken by surprise by some toxic behaviors, but you also had a chance to work through these challenges too and you "did" work your way past that challenge. You are not stupid Jane, you actually have some good skills and you "can" develop more and gradually embrace the positive again. Your goal is to continue to work on getting to a place where the people around you trigger you less and less because you are "gaining" to a point where you "know" you have healthy skills and you "are" gaining in the "positive" again. What you are doing now is developing "new" shoes that you can grab on to that fit "you" for different activities or things you choose to do again. Yes, it takes time to break them in, however as you keep slipping each pair on, you will make "gains" and get back into a better overall feeling about yourself too.

Jane, you have actually made some "good" choices. You have chosen to move forward, learn more so you can do "more or different" things in your life. That is "good and healthy" so you "do" have some important things about you that are "good" for you. You have actually made some healthy choices for yourself, you just have to slowly learn how to "embrace" them better and you "can" learn to do that.

OE

[Teacake]

Anxiety may come from our minds and be based in our history, but it is expressed through the body. If you want to be less volatile in social situations, you probably want to increase serotonin. There are holistic ways to do this and there are medicines. The holistic ways require stable blood sugar, which means discipline in eating, and also achieving and maintaining a healthy body composition. Muscle evens out our moods by insuring a steady supply of sugar under stress. Fat makes us emotionally volatile by causing overproduction of insulin which creates a cycle of comfort and stress eating and also unbalanced the whole endocrine system. It takes time and effort to bring an overfat body into balance, but emotional stability requires it. Shorter term aids are attention to blood sugar (plenty of protein and avoid sugar spikes), regular exercise (walking), meditation, relaxation/restorative yoga, SSRIs and anti-anxiety remedies. GABA depletes under stress and can be replenished through yoga or supplementation. Replenished GABA fixes other imbalances. Theanine is also helpful. Sufficient B vitamins are essential and additional B6 can be very helpful for social anxiety.

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by glok

Hello, JaneC. Does the university you attend offer counseling for students. You would benefit from some.

I wish you well.

Thanks Glok, they do. However I am seeing a T already.....although maybe seeing a school counsellor may help for other issues......something to think about.

[JaneC]

Thanks OE.....so much to think about. I agree that I've learnt a way of being int he world through my experiences that no longer fit, and that were frankly dysfunctional in some ways. It has only been since my 'crisis' (if that is what one should call it) that my relationships with people have become really difficult. It is a struggle.

I had always been viewed as friendly, confident and capable. They never saw how I was coping, and neither did I for most of the time. Then the mess happened and I became negative, defensive etc etc. Oh so many negative adjectives could be used to describe my behaviour. Most of all, I hated myself. Now I am seen as kind, friendly, fun, confident etc etc etc by others.........

It really is confusing to be so unsure of yourself........ anyway...

I don't think that I am volatile in the sense of being turbulent, unpredictable or erratic around others. Only in my head maybe am I unsettled,uncertain and uneasy. I think that possible some of the physical things that you mention Teacake certainly wouldn't hurt me, but I am not convinced they are what I really need. I'm still figuring all that out, but I appreciate your ideas.

Today was not as stressful as I expected, so tonight I am hoping for sleep to make up for the lack of it last night.

My son comes back from 2 and a half weeks away early tomorrow morning, so I am beginning to get really excited about that.

[Open Eyes]

Jane, you "are" friendly and capable. But you experienced a "crisis" that really affected your confidence. You have had things take place that you had not been prepared for that even invaded your personal boundaries so that is enough to mess up the "shoes" you had all lined up to where you had been privately slipping into certain ones that fit for whatever you were going to do. Now, you are dealing with missing shoes and trying to rebuild that, however as you do that you are seeing things about the old shoes you had slipped into that didn't quite "fit" the way you had thought they did.

When I talked about your mother? Well, she has her own shoes that she has designed to fit her, she "just" slips into them and doesn't really "know" that these shoes are often offensive and upsetting to others. This is the "just" that other people talk about whenever they address others with problems or concerns. It is like having a car where you get to "just" know where everything is, you learn where all the different buttons are and it becomes a "just" every time you get into the car and go anywhere. Most people become "used to" who they are and develop their sense of self with "auto" opinions and responses and they are often not "consciously" aware of some of their "auto" opinions and responses that can actually be "unhealthy", however, because they appear confident and strong minded, they can get others to respond to them in ways that make them feel empowered. For example, when your mother criticizes your dishes and tells you they are not good enough and you should have dishes "she" thinks are better, she is used to others responding to her with apologies and agreement so she feels justified in thinking "she" knows best. The truth is that your mother doesn't "see" others and allow for their personal choices, she only sees "her own" ideas of what things "should be". You and your sister have grown up with that and when your mother comes to visit either of you it is just as though she is coming to your room when you grew up in her home and insists you have your room cleaned and organized to "her" approval. Your environment in her home was "all about her" and you were deeply conditioned to believe in following along with that. You were trained to be "dutiful" and unfortunately, that happens way too much.

Your core shoes are all about being "dutiful", have you noticed that? A dutiful wife, a dutiful mother, a dutiful employee, a dutiful student and if you struggle with these challenges you begin to feel "inadequate and uneasy". And yes, there can be quite a bit of anger about that too. Being dutiful is always about "others" and what you have found is that when "you" needed someone to actually "care for and help you", that was not there for you. If we are hard core programmed to feel safe as long as we are dutiful and then a crisis happens that challenges that deep core sense of "dutiful safeness", that can become very hard because a dutiful person tends to surround themselves with others that appreciate them because they are dutiful.

When your ex husband became ill, you were needed to be "dutiful" and that was hard for you because you had needs and fears too. Your ex husband got so he was more and more demanding and to a point where he was actually abusing your "sense of being dutiful" to him. That relationship got so bad for you that you could no longer maintain it and quite honestly you did the right thing by deciding to disconnect. Sure he eventually found someone else that was willing to be dutiful to him and he was doing better so it was manageable, however, the reality is the same, someone is playing a dutiful role in that relationship and it could get so there may be a time where that can again get overwhelming.

Often we do not realize our deep core Jane, most people build their lives around a core they are not totally "aware" of. When something "traumatic" takes place or a "crisis" happens a person can become so deeply rattled and confused and often they cannot even verbalize the way their core has been so deeply affected. This has nothing to do with true worthiness of intellect either,however it does feel like it has something to do with that.

What "therapy" can help a person do, if the therapist has an understanding of the challenge, is it can help us discover our core issues. Once we get to understand that better, we begin the journey of slowly building new and healthier skills, and that really does take time. On that journey will be a mourning about whatever "our" needs were that were not met, there will be "anger" about how much we did give that was not appreciated, and we start to see things about people we had not really realized before too. Some of these challenges take place in a lot of people as they get older and start to see things they just had not seen in their past, hence that saying, "If I knew then what I know now" is often uttered. And what you need to slowly learn to accept is "what is just about being human" and that everyone will have certain amounts of "blindness" to them.

You don't have to be "dutiful" anymore either Jane, you actually "can" learn to slowly accept that you were at times, but, you do not have to "wear those old shoes" anymore and you can slowly get so you accept that more emotionally too. CBT and DBT are helpful therapies for that transformation too.

Jane, you "are" still a warm and caring person and you can even be very forgiving, and those qualities are good ones. You don't have to be "dutiful" the way you were though anymore and you can learn not to feel those old "toxic" duties so emotionally anymore gradually too. You can learn to develop deep "shoes" you can put on to where if your mother makes certain toxic comments, you can see them, but you don't have to allow them to have the same emotional impact on you anymore. I am just using that as an example here. "Dutiful" can become something much more positive to you now and you can learn to slowly build strong wiring in your brain as you learn to let go of and adapt new to replace.

When you go back to school, you need to do that "for you" and learn to let go of the old
"dutiful" self where you tended to be over concerned about how you needed to please and be dutiful to others. The more you adapt to that, the less having "others" around you will bother you. You are "gaining" in a way many people do not understand, that is ok, it is high time people began to understand it better, and as you work through it, you will be able to help others learn to do the same. Funny thing is, that is actually what we are originally designed to do, it is a big part of our existentialism as a species.

OE