[Teacake]

I don't know what. I need help. Medicine isn't the answer.

My therapist doesn't want to deal with this. I don't know how to find one who can and at this point I am asking my son to pay cash for therapy as the *******ed mental health system is for people who don't get well.

I don't know how to process what I know about politically motivated torture. I studied political science, economics and law. I can intellectualise from here to the death of the sun, but I can't process It.

I want to die. I feel defeated. I feel its all over. I don't want to live in the world. I don't know how.

My son has a good life.

My heart is broken. My spirit too. When I saw my friend flinch from me...

...a friend from high school was in town. She saw that I was not sleeping. She was concerned. I told her. My friend had been locked up. He had night terrors...

She told him Holocaust jokes.

She taught him a pattern by which the unspeakable can be spoken. He learned. He used the same pattern to tell me about prison.

I looked It up again. The prison and the other prison, the names of the organizations. It's real then. People really do bad things. Others know too.

I don't want to be here.

I can't tell you the despair I felt when Americans were so eager to torture "terrorists". When our little girls were doing bad porn fantasies...and all the world hates us for It.

What is wrong with us as a species?

What are we anyway?

Why did all the bad stuff happen in July?

[Parley]

I wish I knew how to help you ~ if I did, I would. I have no concept on how to process torture but If you just want someone to talk to~ I am here. I know how to listen.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by Parley

I wish I knew how to help you ~ if I did, I would. I have no concept on how to process torture but If you just want someone to talk to~ I am here. I know how to listen.

I got hurt by listening! It wasn't his fault. We thought It would help.

I hate that I don't know what to do. I can drive to hospital. Maybe they have a chaplain or someone. I can call 911 if I have to.

I feel contaminated my anger. O don't want to hurt anyone but I want to blame everyone for being such a **** species, or light myself on fire to protest what we are. It's bad.

[Parley]

Chaplain? You're not a believer. Oh wait~ either was my chaplain. That just might work.

I know you have been having a lot of issues this month and I do hope it eases for you soon. Your therapist should have given you a few referrals if he/she is not willing to work with your issues. Perhaps you could ask?

[Teacake]

I feel ashamed of myself.

Those who don't know will look at me like I am telling a whopper of a lie.

Those who do know, I imagine will look at me with contempt, thinking, "yes of course this happens, in my own family as well, but we don't run blabbing about it like disgraceful idiots".

CBT could have helped with that.

[Parley]

Well if you must concern yourself with what others think than maybe you can worry about that after you take care of yourself. At least wait until you are balanced and no longer desire to set yourself on fire in protest.

[Open Eyes]

Teacake, I believe you have all these feelings and they overwhelm you. I think you deserve to be validated the way you need it too.

One day I went to see my therapist and I was very overwhelmed. I sat down and just vented and when I do that I literally fill his room. After I had let it out for a bit he knew exactly when to stop me and get me to pay attention to how I felt and to notice that I had even begun slowing down my speech with much less anger. The reason he did that was to get me to notice that when I let my frustrations out I began to get better at talking to him more calmly, something I had not noticed.

I have uttered very similar things you do because I can't believe how "bad" people can be. My therapist has validated for me that "yes" there are horrible things taking place that human beings are doing to other human beings out there in this world. And many people go along in a kind of oblivion of "that happens to others not me and not here".

I don't think you have really been able to just "let it out" Teacake. I think that you are at a point of awareness that is very challenging and at times overwhelming you. You have been looking to be validated but helped with how to see so much and still function and accept whatever "evils" are just there that you can't do anything about.

Have you experienced this level before? It sounds like you had trauma and maintained, but did not have "this" before.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by Parley

Chaplain? You're not a believer. Oh wait~ either was my chaplain. That just might work.

I know you have been having a lot of issues this month and I do hope it eases for you soon. You're therapist should have given you a few referrals if he/she is not willing to work with your issues. Perhaps you could ask?

Are you rolling your eyes at non-theists in clergy or at me? I don't understand.

I've thought about calling Muslim family services, because they probably know therapists who have worked with torture victims, since we've taken to torturing innocent Muslims. The irony is that my friend was a secular guy tortured by religious Muslims. But its not so ironic. The torturers were trained and funded by the same people.

My point is, I don't recognise divisions between the godly and godless or those who pray toward Jerusalem vs those who pray toward Mecca. I recognise the differences between those who torture, those who allow It (I didn't prevent It) and those who would stop It.

A dog keened in the distance. I was weeply quietly. I know I was very quiet. But he heard and he answered me. I know he answered me because the sound sent chills through me.

[Parley]

Teacake~ I wouldn't roll my eyes at your beliefs. I was rolling my eyes from my own frustration and experience with a chaplain. Sorry about that.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by Parley

Teacake~ I wouldn't roll my eyes at your beliefs. I was rolling my eyes from my own frustration and experience with a chaplain. Sorry about that.

No problem. What did he do? I remember you said you got a non-theist for a chaplain. I don't recall the context or what he did. Was he one of those Hitchens/ Dawkins quoting atheists make you want to pull a Madonna in the sky prank to call them by names tell them how disappointed she is in them?

Trauma has made me a mean lady. Lol!

[JadeAmethyst]

Teacake, I love you, all of us here are loving you through this pain. Please know our arms and hearts are
embracing you, holding you comforting you in spirit.

I love you Teacake, we all love you precious Teacake.

Jade

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by JadeAmethyst

Teacake, I love you, all of us here are loving you through this pain. Please know our arms and hearts are
embracing you, holding you comforting you in spirit.

I love you Teacake, we all love you precious Teacake.

Jade

I love you too, Jade. And I love the world. I want It to be all right again.

[Parley]

Originally Posted by Teacake

No problem. What did he do? I remember you said you got a non-theist for a chaplain. I don't recall the context or what he did. Was he one of those Hitchens/ Dawkins quoting atheists make you want to pull a Madonna in the sky prank to call them by names tell them how disappointed she is in them?

Trauma has made me a mean lady. Lol!

He claimed to be a man of God. I would have appreciated a few atheist quotes more than how he acted but in any case~ that isn't a story for today. Perhaps~ another time.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by Parley

He claimed to be a man of God. I would have appreciated a few atheist quotes more than how he acted but in any case~ that isn't a story for today. Perhaps~ another time.

Tell It If you like. What was an atheist doing in a man of God disguise?

[Parley]

He was serving my country.

[Teacake]

Was he affiliated with a theistic religion?

[Parley]

Yes he was~ but it doesn't matter.

I think I should watch my sarcasm. I did not want to go there.