[MotownJohnny]

I think I'm grinding down ... every little thing feels like a bfd. Like it's too much effort to have to put staples into the stapler ... like it's one thing piling upon another.

Typical depression stuff.

It's hard being trapped in a corner - no where to turn, and no choice but to fight your way out of it, even though you don't want to fight, you just want a little rest, peace, and quiet.

Tired of injustice
Tired of the schemes
The lies are disgusting
So what does it mean
Kicking me down
I got to get up
As jacked as it sounds
The whole system sucks

Peek in the shadow
Come into the light
You tell me I'm wrong
Then you better prove you're right
You're sellin' out souls but
I care about mine
I've got to get stronger
And I won't give up the fight

'Scream', Michael Jackson/Janet Jackson

At times, I think I was so wrong to not just give into it and go along with the flow, let the currents carry me and the river consume me. At least I wouldn't have to fight it any more. Just accept my fate and let it be ... whatever it may be. End up the crazy homeless dude living in a cardboard box. It might just be easier, perhaps there would be a kind of peace in that existence.

Let me just say that ... I hope I've hit the bottom of it, and it will start to get better. I'm sure it will. I guess I must continue to have faith in that, and in myself.

[JaneC]

Yep, continue to have faith in yourself. You have made amazing changes already, and I have no doubt will continue to.

I certainly understand the just wanting rest, peace and quiet. I am in the same boat. I feel the urge to throw myself on the ground like a child and have a wee tantrum. I.....just......want......a.......break..........waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Laughable right?

But you have the courage to go on Johnny, I see it in all your posts.

[MotownJohnny]

Tantrums can be fun ... I say we go for it.

[birdpumpkin]

Understand. My husband has to start taking the car to work tomorrow til he gets a "new" truck, which could be weeks. Probably no big deal to most women, but I'm already feeling stranded on an island with no way off. It gives me anxiety to be home alone with no transportation, plus it messes some things up for me like visiting my parents in the afternoons and going to pay the bills. He'll have to do that during work now somehow. I have an appointment next week. More worry. Like there are no breaks. Life I suppose, but I'm really tired of it.

[Open Eyes]

Having PTSD from a trauma, especially also having a history where one didn't feel truly safe, can be lonely and tiring. I think that Michael Jackson suffered from complex PTSD tbh. He spent a lot of effort trying to "change" himself and no matter what he did, he was controversial. He had a lot of success and money, but it never seemed to fill his "need" and I wonder if he ever had "help" with that. I question the accusations made against him too, I think it is quite possible that others just tried to find ways to "extort" money from him. A lot of what he wrote was IMHO expressing a lot of symptoms that could definitely lead to a diagnosis of "complex PTSD". Just these verses you posted here alone express that Mowtown. He "was" a victim of abuse, his father was an abusive man.

I think that when you have these challenging feelings it is important to allow yourself to come down from feeling like you are going to break and be judged so unfairly by society somehow. It is important to remember that is something that most human beings fear and it doesn't mean you are "crazy" to be fearful at times.

It is important to remember that if you seek the negatives in human nature, you will definitely notice more of it. If you decide to "embrace" the positives and get used to making conscious decisions to concentrate on that more, you will be able to see more of that too.

A long time ago I heard a story that I think about once in a while that I find helpful.

A man was driving a long distance in his car and he wanted to find a new place to live. He saw an old man on the side of the road and decided to stop and ask him about the town up ahead. He asked the old man, "what is that town like up ahead, are the people friendly, is it a nice place to live?" The old man asked him, "Well, what was the town you lived in before like?" And the man replied to him, "Oh, it was awful, the people were mean and just awful and I hated living there". To that the old man replied to him, "Oh, well, that is exactly what that town up ahead will be like for you too". With that the traveling man thanked the old man and got in his car and drove off.

A while later another man was traveling down that road and he too wondered about the town up ahead and stopped to ask the old man about it. Again the old man asked the same question of him too, "Well, what was the town like that you came from?". The new traveling man replied, "Oh, it was a wonderful town, the people were nice and friendly and I made a lot of good friends and I will surely miss that town and all my friends". Then the old man said, "Well, that town up ahead will be just like that too, and you will like living there too".

((Mowtown)), I have been seeing you gaining and experiencing some "positives" and even stepping outside yourself to sharing with others more with inspirational thoughts. Just keep moving forward and keep embracing the positives, you have been finding them and making progress so keep "practicing" that and you will keep making gains. Yes, there are those hard days, but keep working on embracing the positives and just remind yourself that you are just learning and "its ok" if you stumble at times.

((Hugs))
OE

[Teacake]

Ragweed can wipe a person out. Occams Razor says go wirh the simple explanation. Did you ever find your allergy meds?

[MotownJohnny]

Originally Posted by Teacake

Ragweed can wipe a person out. Occams Razor says go wirh the simple explanation. Did you ever find your allergy meds?

Yes, I did find them, and I'm definitely less congested. It's not ragweed here yet, unless it's pollen brought in from further South on the winds. Ragweed is a late August into Sept thing up here in the frigid North.

I had to travel into the mid-South once years ago in late March. I left a winter wonderland with a foot of snow on the ground, got into KY and TN and saw daffodils and magnolias and leaves on the trees, then came home to two feet of snow because we had had a blizzard during the 4-5 days I was gone. The climate just freaked me out, how it looked there in March like it looks here typically in May.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

Yes, I did find them, and I'm definitely less congested. It's not ragweed here yet, unless it's pollen brought in from further South on the winds. Ragweed is a late August into Sept thing up here in the frigid North.

I had to travel into the mid-South once years ago in late March. I left a winter wonderland with a foot of snow on the ground, got into KY and TN and saw daffodils and magnolias and leaves on the trees, then came home to two feet of snow because we had had a blizzard during the 4-5 days I was gone. The climate just freaked me out, how it looked there in March like it looks here typically in May.

Maybe you aren't the only one with fantasies of escaping work to drive through Ohio. I bet those other truants are tracking Ky ragweed pollen back with them. Glad you found your medicine.

.

[MotownJohnny]

If I were really smart, I would make my getaway day to Ontario - Niagra Falls is about a 4 hour drive as well, I would like to see that.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

If I were really smart, I would make my getaway day to Ontario - Niagra Falls is about a 4 hour drive as well, I would like to see that.

Don't forget your passport. It sounds like a trip for a hot day.

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

Tantrums can be fun ... I say we go for it.

Embarassingly enough, I kind of did have a wee tantrum like moment with my T today.
T: Jane, so how do you see this working where we can both have a sense of control and find the middle ground towards..."
Jane: I want everything to be how I want it, what I says goes, you do everything I want you to in therapy(technique wise, nothing else ok!), I just want it all my way! And, like, yesterday!!!
Then we both ended up laughing madly at just how ridiculous I sounded.

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

If I were really smart, I would make my getaway day to Ontario - Niagra Falls is about a 4 hour drive as well, I would like to see that.

I went to the Falls when I was in Toronto for a friends wedding, after visiting my brother in Boston, and before heading to Montreal and further north for whale watching and other great fun. I miss my travelling days..............siiiiiiiiigh. DO IT JOHNNY!!