[SecondSkin]

Tomorrow I go to see my therapist. I am on the fence about whether to keep seeing her. She's great, and we've connected more than I have with almost everyone else I've gone to.

But after one session of EMDR, I can't even think straight. Flashbacks, that I haven't had for years, are back. I went to the store by myself, and nearly ran out of there like there was a fire at my back. Before restarting this whole therapy thing, stuff like that wasn't happening. I would have a little anxiety going anywhere, but I learned how to handle it. Now I feel like even breathing is something that doesn't come automatically... I'm finding myself holding my breath, or breathing too fast. I'm scared to leave the house, for fear that I'll have a panic attack. Its like all the work I did over the years is just gone.

I'm tempted to just shove everything back into the hole I dumped it in and move on. But my body hates that. My body hates this crap even more. I'm just not sure what to do. Is there any therapy that you all have done that isn't so intense right at the start? I feel like if I'm going to tackle this, I need it to be super slow, or someone'll find me on the side of the road shaking and mumbling unintelligibly (that's a fear... probably not going to happen, but still).

[Open Eyes]

Hi, I am sorry that I have not done EMDR myself, but I have heard that at first it is exhausting and after doing it for a while people have felt much better.

I think you should go back to this therapist and tell her what you are experiencing. I am sorry you have had this reaction, the therapist may have more to share with you, and even slow it down some too.

((Hugs))
OE

[shabur]

I've done EMDR on a number of occasions. With my first EMDR T I left feeling worse and wasn't able to function for a few days after. She was very caring and would let me stop when I felt overwhelmed. She didn't push me. She also didn't leave enough time at then end to help me come back to the present.

I've since learned she was causing more harm and was one of the reasons I lost it and ended up 30 days inpatient with ECT.

My current pdoc does EMDR very differently. She was taught by the woman who discovered/developed it. If I want to stop she will tell me we can, but I won't get through it. She encourages me without pushing me. I'm usually able to completely process my goal and have enough time to return to the present. If I don't get through it we continue it to the next session which is just a few days later, but she also always brings me back to the present.

And she makes herself available to me outside of sessions.

Talk to your T. Let her know everything that is happening. Find out if there is a different way to do this. Is she there to help you though these feelings?

[SecondSkin]

Thanks for the input. She did bring me back to the present, kind of. I don't think it really went how it was supposed to. I was told to pick an image to focus on, and then held pulsing things in my hands. The thing is, that image just got stronger and stronger and when she stopped to see how I was doing I was too overwhelmed to give an honest answer. I told her I couldn't leave the room without being able to calm down. And she led me through some meditation. But when I got into my car, I just sobbed. Last week I went back and told her it was too much. She said we could take it slower.
The problem is is that even with that reassurance, things have gotten WORSE. More triggers. More nightmares, etc.
I guess I'm just afraid that she'll take me too far without realizing it. I don't have a gauge of what is OK with this kind of therapy and what isn't. Nothing that I thought about (in that session) feels any less intense or less tied to my emotions.

[Werewoman]

I'm currently going through my second round of EMDR. The first time was almost 10 years ago, then new issues arose and I went back to it as it was so successful the first time. There are many times that I feel worse for a while before I feel better. It takes time to process what comes out in a session. I agree that it has to be done properly, though if not done properly, I don't see that it can do any harm. Some sessions are more effective than others, some leave me drained and exhausted, but I've never had a 'bad' one.

Share what you've shared here with your T. I, too had some doubts at times, but now I have no regrets as I am certain that my PTSD would be much worse had I not kept going. I control how hard I push myself and know I can stop a session at any point if it gets too intense, but I usually push through the rough stuff because while I know I will be exhausted afterward, I also know that while processing the session afterward, I learn more and heal faster.

Good luck and I hope it works as well for you as it has for me.

WW

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry you ate struggling so much with this. In my understanding, emdr goes through stages. First toy babe Rio babe a strong foundation in coping skills, and work on a "safe place". Then you move on to the processing stuff. I did a boot if it with a t a few years ago. It took us forever to get to the processing stage because i doesn't have the coping skills down... unfortunately, I moved or of the region before I could get vertu far worn if. I hope you can talk to your t about what is going on for you with it.

[shabur]

My T doesn't tell me to focus on anything. If I am understanding your use of "focus", she is having you see a single, un-moving thing. I visualize were my mind is at and go from there. I work to move myself to where I want to be.

I've used the tappers as well, but my current T sits next to me and alternately taps my hands. I actually prefer it this way. There is a comfort I get from having her next to me.

I suffered through CSA and have had problems with relationships. In EMDR I see my little girl and I walk her through an instance, telling her she is safe now, the bast*** is dead, ....

There is a period of processing that takes place, but it is much easier with my new T.

[SecondSkin]

Thanks for everyone's input and kind words. I was so afraid to try anything yesterday that my therapist prescribed a vacation. Seriously. Just, get out of the house, go somewhere quiet, and recharge. I haven't felt this stuck in a long, long time. She also suggested some anti-anxiety pills but I'm even more terrified of those.

I was told to focus on one image of my trauma. I, of course, chose the scariest one without really realizing it. :/