[peaches100]

I'm feeling so discouraged today. This seems to be a pattern for me. I'll go along coping reasonably well for a few weeks. Then, all of a sudden, I just feel exhausted and discouraged with my mental health and the struggle to maintain it. The past few months, I've been trying harder than ever to take responsibillity for myself, work on coping skills, and deal with things myself rather than relying on my t so much. Last December, we had a big fallout over her not being there at a time when I really needed her. . .and the resulting feelings of being too needy and demanding and feeling like a horrible patient. Well, we worked things out eventually. I've really lessened the amount that I email my t. I used to do it a couple of times every week. Now I do it maybe 1 time per month, which is huge for me. But I'm just getting so worn out by dealing with so much by myself. In our sessions, we have really slowed down the work because we realized that with my sensitive nervous system, I get overwhelmed easily, which leads to exhaustion or being shut down. Slowing down in session has helped. But the problem is that at night, it is getting harder and harder for me to sleep. I wake up, and then a list of all the things in my life that have hurt me play through my head. I try to put it out of my mind and go back to sleep. I use all the coping skills my t has taught me. But sometimes, I just can't make the thoughts go away. for those of you who dissociate, or understand dissociation, the parts of me that have been affected by my past trauma and abuse continually push at my conscious mind to listen to them, feel their pain, and deal with them. But I am not equipped with enough coping skills yet. My t and I have tried to work with parts and my traumas, and I just end up breaking down too much or shutting down. Going slow is the only things that works. But I can't make those dissociated parts slow down. They harp at me and keep me awake. I'm sorry. I'm probably not even making much sense. All I know is I've been trying so hard to take responsibillity for myself, my emotions, my mental health, apply coping skills, etc., and not burden my t. But right now, I'm just plain tired and discouraged. Sometimes the work of healing just feels too hard. My t has offered to let me contact her more often, but after what happened back in December, and finding out that it felt excessive to my t, I just can't go back to that again. I would never feel good about myself. I hate being needy more than anything. But sometiimes I get like this and want to just give up trying anymore to get better. It's too hard.

[Open Eyes]

(((peaches100))),

I am sorry to hear you have been struggling so much, but this is not your fault, and you should not be "sorry" when you struggle and need help. Often just trying to manage by one's self can in itself be a trigger because that is typically what took place in one's history too. I have that challenge myself tbh, and I have noticed this with others too.

PTSD is in itself a very lonely challenge, and unfortunately the one thing someone trying to "heal" needs is "lots of comfort and caring" too. I was actually talking about that with my T in my session this week too. For myself, the more I heal and understand it, along with my own history, and with listening to others who also struggle, is seeing how that geninue need goes unmet by one's family and friends and even therapists. When someone struggles with PTSD, especially what is called "complex PTSD" their most vulnerable "self" is a big part of "the now challenge" that they often feel so much guilt and confusion about.

There is nothing wrong with needing to go slow either. PTSD presents a person with a challenge where they feel like they are basically running a marathon and they simply "can't" rush anything and often just want to feel a "calm" and learn how to maintain that "calm". Believe me, anyone who is challenged this way first hand can totally understand what you are trying to say here.

I hope you will come here for more support when you need it. You deserve to heal and however long that takes, it takes, we all heal at our own rate.

I think that it's great that you have gained in managing it better, good for you. If you have been struggling again, slow down and work through it at a pace you "can" work through it.
Maybe you can share here what might be behind this recent challenge that you are dealing with that might be triggering some symptoms again. That can happen, but if you think back, you have managed to work through these things when they come up too. You can work through this too, at a pace that "you" can.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

Hello Open Eyes: I feel your pain... it seems as though every day, all day long, my head is filled with all of the things that have hurt me. But, in my case, the other thing my head is filled with is all of the things I have done that have hurt others, & how useless & valueless I feel. Sometimes it begins to feel as though there's so much of this stuff in my head, there's no room for anything else.

I used to try to stuff these thoughts & feelings back down or ignore them. It never worked for me. At this point, I'm trying to learn to accept these personal demons with compassion, as my signature quote below states. I wish you all the best with your struggles...

[Open Eyes]

Yes, I know exactly what you mean ((Skeezyks)), I have a lot of those days myself.
However, you need to get to the point where you can become more forgiving of yourself, because, just about everyone looks back with regrets. The truth is though, we grow up all our lives, and that is because we all learn by experiencing and doing and often most have so little help in that challenge.

You also had your own unique challenges, who was there to really help you the way you needed it? I am sure that you have realized now from wandering around this site that so many people often don't get the help they needed and need to do better and not make mistakes.

It is so important that when looking back you remember that whatever you went through at whatever time it was, you did not have the outcome to anything. Now that you see that in whatever way it went, you have an enormous advantage that you never had way back when. There are so many things I wish I had done differently, but at the time I did not know what I know now, I just didn't Skeezyks, so am I supposed to hate myself?

Well, a lot of human beings made some huge mistakes in our history, I am just human myself and that means I was destined to make mistakes too.

((Hugs))
OE

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Yes, I know exactly w ahat you mean ((Skeezyks)), I have a lot of those days myself.
However, you need to get to the point where you can become more forgiving of yourself,

((Hugs))
OE

Thanks Open Eyes... but there is no self-forgiveness... only (hopefully) compassionate acceptance...

[Open Eyes]

(((Skeezyks))),

People can get confused when looking back on things they did, often whatever it was itself is not something they feel is forgivable and will remain with seeing it as wrong. It is "ok" to see it that way too. I think it is "reasonable" to find compassion and that is not easy either, this I do know.

I have been very challenged in the "forgiveness" area myself. My husband did things that were wrong, will always be wrong too. I never forgave these things, the best I could muster was "compassion", but the things he did, I have not forgiven really, they remain wrong and still hurt. Yet, I have compassion for the fact that he knows it was wrong, he knows it hurt me. I think forgiving is very hard, at least it has been for me, I still try but it's so hard.

I think that all one can do when they do a wrong is say I am sorry and admit it was wrong to the person who needs them to do so. I think "compassion" is appropriate tbh, thanks for that.

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by peaches100

But sometiimes I get like this and want to just give up trying anymore to get better. It's too hard.

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. I can relate and understand this feeling.

Just wanted to say.....don't give up.