[StillIRise]

I haven't been a member long and I've not posted much, the forum is a bit overwhelming. But I kinda feel the urge to reach out for some support right now... this post is likely to be triggering, mentioning self harm, suicide, past abuse etc. so please stop reading if you're likely to be triggered.

So in April this year I had a breakdown if you can call it that, I attempted suicide and was therefore admitted to a psychiatric ward. I was given the "choice" between going voluntarily or being detained. I "chose" voluntary. I then stayed for 4 months and whilst in hospital, tried three more times to end things, one of those times leaving me in psychiatric intensive care. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD, although if I didn't have the doctor I do, it would've been a diagnosis of BPD.

I have the most amazing doctor, who is my psychiatrist and also my therapist. This guy is the reason I am still here... only I don't think even he is enough anymore.

I am 27 and have four beautiful children - once upon a time they were my all, the one thing that kept me living and getting up each morning. I am so sad to say that I don't even feel like they are enough to keep me here on planet earth. I feel like they deserve better and that I should just call it quits and let them get on with living without me.

I've got many traumas in my past, the first being that I had the father I did... as a result many more layers of trauma were added over the years. So I'm having trauma focused therapy which when I'm "stable" enough should lead to some brainspotting, a relatively new therapy that my doctor is trained in and gives people amazing "results". My only problem is that I can't find that position of "stability". Every day I am fighting to stay alive, it's as simple as that. I feel like a disappointment to everyone and I'm just sick of feeling like an open wound.

I don't really know what the point was to this post... I have a session tomorrow morning with my therapist and I just need to make sure I make it there. I suspect he's going to suggest hospitalisation again and I'm not sure I can take that, which is why I might not go. But then the part of me that is scared of the increase in suicidal urges knows that I should be in hospital right now

I really made a mess of myself last night self harming and I don't know if I can resist the urge tonight. Oh I don't know, I just want to feel better. Thanks for reading if you got this far!

[Open Eyes]

Hi StillIRise, welcome to the PTSD forum. I am so sorry you are struggling so much right now, I know the stage you are discribing, it's hard. What helped me is when I was experiencing it and it was really getting dangerous, someone told me to pay attention to the fact that while it does get strong, it also goes away. I did pay attention and noticed that about it, so, I learned to hang on and yes some days were bad. This stage "will" ease up, and I definitely recommend that you take advantage of the help from this psychiatrist/therapist, even if you have to go "inpatient" again.

You can definitely gain on this challenge even though right now it feels so hopeless, it takes time and patience, but you can actually work through this and make gains on it so you "can" be a mommy again and you "are" worth it. I wanted to give up too, but now looking back, I am so glad I kept hanging on and worked through it because my daughter needed me and would have been devastated and confused had I not.

You are actually "lucky" that you have a good therapist now too, please take advantage of that and keep letting him help you, he knows you can do better too and that is why he is trying to help you, so let him help you.

Don't give into the feelings of hopelessness or being a burden either, acknowledge that you feel that, but don't feed into it, I promise this phase of the PTSD will slowly go away and you can keep doing better.

You are welcome to come here any time you need to, others can relate and we will do our best to support you so you can get past this hard part ok?

((Gentle Caring and Welcoming Hugs)))
OE

[StillIRise]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Hi StillIRise, welcome to the PTSD forum. I am so sorry you are struggling so much right now, I know the stage you are discribing, it's hard. What helped me is when I was experiencing it and it was really getting dangerous, someone told me to pay attention to the fact that while it does get strong, it also goes away. I did pay attention and noticed that about it, so, I learned to hang on and yes some days were bad. This stage "will" ease up, and I definitely recommend that you take advantage of the help from this psychiatrist/therapist, even if you have to go "inpatient" again.

You can definitely gain on this challenge even though right now it feels so hopeless, it takes time and patience, but you can actually work through this and make gains on it so you "can" be a mommy again and you "are" worth it. I wanted to give up too, but now looking back, I am so glad I kept hanging on and worked through it because my daughter needed me and would have been devastated and confused had I not.

You are actually "lucky" that you have a good therapist now too, please take advantage of that and keep letting him help you, he knows you can do better too and that is why he is trying to help you, so let him help you.

Don't give into the feelings of hopelessness or being a burden either, acknowledge that you feel that, but don't feed into it, I promise this phase of the PTSD will slowly go away and you can keep doing better.

You are welcome to come here any time you need to, others can relate and we will do our best to support you so you can get past this hard part ok?

((Gentle Caring and Welcoming Hugs)))
OE

Thank you so much OE. I appreciate it more than I can say right now. It helps to hear others say this will pass, especially those who have been through that.

[Open Eyes]

You are so very welcome (((StillIRise))), I got lucky with that too and it had been a member here that had explained it to me, that made all the difference and actually saved me.

What I learned about PTSD is that different symptoms/flashbacks/emotional flashbacks/ and these really dark thoughts all come in waves and they don't "last", they come in, crest and then receed just like a wave. As you acknowledge them and work on finally resolving them, they fade and get weaker. You "can" heal, it just takes time.

This period you are in now is definitely hard, but as I mentioned, you can get past this part and it is much better with "help". After I learned this from this member the next thing that happened was this member came to me and made a pact to get rid of the weapons and get help. That is when I told my T how bad it was for me too, and it really made a difference in my therapy too. It helped so much to have someone understand it and help me through it. That is finally what began to weaken these strong urges more and more until they finally did not plague me anymore. The key is acknowledging whatever you are experiencing, talking about it and doing your best to "not" feed into it too. As you do that, you will keep gaining on it. It is very important you find support too, a good trauma T and anyone who can be supportive and listen with understanding, there with you acknowleging it and encouraging you as you heal.

It's just finally time for you to get help ((StillIRise)), you have been very challenged, you need help and healing now. It has nothing to do with your worth in anyway, you just need help right now. You are not the only one that experiences this challenge, we all deserve to heal here, however long it takes too.

I know you don't feel that way right now, but, eventually as you keep healing you will understand/see it much clearer.

You are very lucky you have access to the right help.

[Bluegrey]

((StillIRise))

You wrote that you feel like a disappointment to everyone - I can identify with this but am doing my best to convince myself that it isn't true. I've always felt deep down that I should be able to do everything well and be successful, but looking at it logically no one could possibly live up to that. And as for feeling like an open wound - yes, that hits the nail the head all right. I've felt for a while that every time I think I'm healing a bit something happens to act like sandpaper on the wound and make it worse again.

But things do change, and bad times and thoughts do pass. I'm slightly less down than I was, and if it can happen to me it certainly can happen to you too. Hang on in there, and please don't give up.


Bluegrey