[Silent_Tears_17]

That's pretty much the question.
I'm starting to make friends. And I can usually do hugs from girls - don't like it but I do ok.
But I got like a 5 second half hug from a guy yesterday. He's a good friend who I have known for years. It was completely nice and innocent. But I didn't know how to refuse in the moment or how to explain now that hugs are usually really triggering.
I need to be asked before I'm touched for the most part. Especially with men. But I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
So i don't know if I should say something or not.

[Open Eyes]

I am sorry that you struggle with this challenge. Often the one thing a person struggling with PTSD does desire is being hugged and comforted. However, there are some that really "do" feel uncomfortable with it too. Often this has to do with a person being told that abuse is love which ofcourse it is not the case. Yet, this can create a deep confusion in a person where a hug can be extremely uncomfortable and triggering.

It definitely "is" hard to explain to others that you would rather they not hug you. I think that the only way is to take that person aside and say, I understand you are just being affectionate, but please understand that it makes me uncomfortable. If you know the person well enough you can explain a little more, if not just do your best to keep it simple and do it quietly.

Unfortunately, people do not understand that "any" reminder of a trauma just sends an alert, it's just how we are designed to survive.

[Teacake]

Learn martial arts if you can. Or practice with a friend how to control a hug. If someone comes at you with open arms you can take his hands and hold them or dance or swing arms playfully, and choose whether to be pulled in for the hug or step in quick for a peck on the cheek and get out. Or you can put your hands on his shoulders so your arms are positioned to cage some space along your front and you don't feel smashed or subjected to too much full body contact.

I figure my boundaries are mine to defend physically, not to describe verbally. It's possible to avoid the bear hug or full body smashup gracefully or playfully and have an affectionate, friendly, touchy, parting that doesn't leave you feeling mooshed or overpowered. Practice with a friend. Practice with your parents. It's not too silly.

If you can't avoid a hug, ground yourself. Feel lines of energy going down your legs and through your feetn. Take a hip distance stance, run your energy through your legs, and hold your core. If youve played any sport you know the stance you were in when you were ready to move. This ready stance will belp you feel strong and grounded and in control. Move into the hug and hold the hugger. Participate in the hug. Stay grounded and balanced on your feet. Keep feeling your legs standing on the floor. This is yow you know you aren't being assaulted or carried off. Make sense?

[Silent_Tears_17]

Teacake,
Thanks. I actually have taken years of martial arts (I am one belt below brown). But I have also been conditioned not to defend myself. And even people like my therapist have forced me to hug them.
I could defend myself I just never choose to. I am very conditioned to take any abuse (verbal, physical, sexual) without resistance. The worst thing I do is disassociate. I don't ever defend myself or even leave the situation.
But thanks, the grounding stuff sounds like it might work. And I appreciate the advice.

[ChipperMonkey]

Your therapist FORCED you to hug her? SO not cool! Nobody should force anybody for any type of physical contact, ever! I can understand wanting to work through this issue, but it should be at your pace and not because other people are forcing you. One thing you can do is give that wave of the hand when you first meet someone. This gives the message that you aren't interested in hugging. Or, you can stick out your hand for a handshake before they move in for a hug. Again, this gives the message that you don't want to hug. Some people are huggy, and some are not. Some of the RUDE huggy people think that everyone wants to hug and they have no regard for anyone else's personal space. Don't let them railroad you with their desires for a hug. If they are your friends, they will understand that you just don't like hugs.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

This is something I feel very strongly about and politely but firmly make my views known. Happily those who know me make allowances, although strangers are initially at least perplexed.

I don't do hugs and as for kissing never, never, never (with the exception of ones wife of course) - when did all this hugging and kissing start?

Some dratted foreign innovation I expect like cappuccinos - dammed un-British if you ask me. Though having said that, I am pleased to note that Dutch and Germans have very sound ideas on the matter of handshakes - one does not dread meeting them.

I was brought up to give firm manly handshakes, if the recipient of your handshakes does not wince there is something wrong with you.

Rant over.

[Silent_Tears_17]

Thank. Yeah, I will try that.
And she did, I am going to be leaving her practice. I mean only twice in two years, but still. I did resist too, but maybe I should have done so harder. I didn't actually refuse, I just strongly rejected the advance. But she said I needed to get used to it or whatever. Idk, it was awkward.
But I agree. Handshakes are good. And I can usually do that quick-half uniform hug that you do with strangers who are related to you at family parties. But it's weird. Idk. But I think it may be more uncomfortable to try to explain that I am uncomfortable than to just shut up and deal with it.

[Living Dead Guy]

Just ask people to refrain from touching you. With the exception of my wife and daughter no one touches me. Everyone has been understanding even without explanations and the only time it has become awkward is with hand shakes at the end of an interview. I've learned to pass this off as having a cold and not wanting to give it to them. And one time during my wedding reception were a man I didn't know shook my hand while I was going to the bathroom..... I just pass that off as drunkenness although at the time it was severely disturbing.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Living Dead Guy

Just ask people to refrain from touching you.

But what words do you use? "Refrain from touching me?" That sounds a bit archaic. I'd say, "I'm not comfortable with hugs, so please don't hug me." Or something like that. Anyone else? What words work?

[geis]

The terminology I usually use is, "I don't do touchy-feely." That, combined with a big step back when people try, has always gotten the point across to people.

[Living Dead Guy]

When someone comes in for a hug, I take a step back and say "I'm sorry I'm not comfortable with touching." that's usually the end of it. Otherwise if the attempted contact is aggressive in nature I usually lower the tone of my voice and tell them not to *beeping* touch me.

Regardless of your reasons, you get to dictate your boundaries in our culture. If people fail to comply they are violating laws. I should make a I don't do touching button and start wearing it.

[mimsies]

I usually step away, smile in a friendly way, and say, "I don't like hugs, sorry. I'm tactile intolerant."

Some of my very close friends I will hug briefly, they always let me control the length and "depth" of hug. I will give my son great big hugs, even though he is taller than I am now, and his voice is deep (I just am not in the least intimidated by him). I will quickly and gently bump shoulders with other people as a sign of affection (go up next to them, lean in and do a little bump). I also do high fives. Often holding a hand up for a high five short circuits people before they really invest in hugging.

Via text and online chat I engage in free hugging: *((((((((HUG))))))))*

I absolutely & totally know how you feel. It makes my skin literally crawl. I usually say that I don't do any of that hugging malarkey & joke & say - what's that all about eh? I find that tells them, but in a jovial sort of way without offending them. Works for me.