I'm sorry.......just sorry..........

I don't think I could feel anymore not here and trapped someplace that is pulling me and won't let me go than if I were really there. Just because a certain date of this time of year is gone does not mean it stopped for me. I feel far away, afraid to come back, afraid not to, afraid to let anyone know. Would it really matter anyways?

I know to stay in the present, to ground yourself, to know it is not happening now, but knowing all that and finding yourself unable to be where you know in your head is where you are to be, is another thing. You cannot stop your dreams, there is nothing that I have done or could do to determine those, but they still come, still feel as real as the day they happened, still feel the presence of those I don't want to remember there, and nothing in this time and place can make those dreams or these feelings to disappear as if they were not there and pulling me----away.

Depression, this feeling of walking through a fog that has chains holding you with no way of breaking lose, the almost feeling as though everything and one around you is not really there but transparent, like your looking at what is standing right there, yet it could disappear if you blink or go to reach for it. My head hurts, and I feel I am fighting to hold on to today.

Everything feels unreal, not safe, and as if it could or will disappear and I don't want to close my eyes, where will I be if I do and open them? I know that I slept last night, but I feel as exhausted as if I didn't, and I feel so tired like I have been running for days, and yet I am afraid to stop. Even sitting here feels this sense of running, in my mind, typing fast to be sure these words get here. It is exhausting me more and I didn't even know that was possible.

I ran all night, in my sleep, and though I can feel this sense of what I was running from, I cannot recall it, just this sense of running, trying to get away, somehow chained to the fog that was surrounding me, and though running I could never get away. Everywhere I turned there was something, awaiting me there and I had to run the other way, only to turn into another place I knew I was terrified to be. Though the chain seemed long, it never let me go, it always brought me back, and it felt and feels heavy.

I was surrounded by something everywhere within that fog, and that fog is still there, even though I am awake. And I am running, still. I don't know from what, but I am afraid to stop. I am afraid to be me, for I am not. It feels something is attached, I cannot shake it. Something that makes me untouchable, poison, and reject-able. Something that separates me from everything good, the good is far away.

No, I'm not crazy, I'm lost, and I'm afraid. Afraid to reach out, afraid not to. So the silence of these words are reaching out----silently. I feel rejected here, rejected there, but somewhere attached to both and unable to get away from either. And even though rejected there, they will not let go, even though rejected here, I am afraid to let go, the world is spinning and I will be swallowed up but I don't know where it is swallowing me up to. That almost dying sense, a sense I feel. That sense of breathing, then not, then breathing again. That deep breath taken when air finally came back. I........remember.

Shadows at times seem to pass by, no one else sees them, or even knows they are there, but we do. The past so close the present seems so far away. Someone is very close, and afraid. Shh screams.....seems to be blocking me, afraid to be here, terrified to be there, and I am caught somewhere in-between, afraid to reach out, but afraid not to. I know this sounds crazy, but I'm not. I'm just somewhere no one else can be, holding on to somewhere I know I need and want to be.

And I feel afraid. Maybe that fear alone will keep me here enough to figure out how to get back. I don't know. I'm tired but I cannot stop running in my head, even though I am awake. I need to go. I am afraid this does not make sense, just like me.................and I'm so sorry.

i'm listening and sending safe thoughts.....

I'm relating to this and understand .. hang in there.

((((dps))))

I'm holding my hand out to you. You can hold it if you want to. We are here for you - you are safe with us, we won't hurt you or push you away.


Bluegrey

Another sleepless night. An hour and a half, awakened by a feeling of a touch at my feet. I could not go back to sleep. It's almost 6:30 AM, I've been sitting here since 2:30 AM. How can someone continue to go on and not sleep?

I know and can remember as a child, at least at age 10 through High School, sleep was something that I fought. Trying to keep one eye always open, one eye watching and waiting, one eye on guard for who would come. One eye open ready to escape and run if we needed to. One eye needing to know where everyone was. One eye did the sleeping....one eye awake.

All my adult life, sleep has been something that seems to elude me. How does one function, keep going without sleep? Night after night the hours seems to tick by, sometimes I can fall asleep when the morning light breaks, sometimes I can fall asleep knowing someone safe is in the other room, but it doesn't last. Maybe some nights I am sleeping but running in my mind that it feels I have not slept when I do awake.

I feel afraid to sleep. I have always been like this.

This morning, I happened to fall asleep at a little after 1:00 AM, but restless and running inside. Sleep didn't last, and I should be tired. I should be. Normal people sleep. Normal people don't sit up all night long. Normal people------I'm not normal. Never have been.

Did I train my mind so well as a child, always needing and having to stay alert and awake? Did when I was deprived sleep and made to stay awake or punishment came make it so that now I don't need sleep and can still function throughout a day. Still come across as strong, in control, and okay? Is it me that really is the one able to do this or is another part of me stepping up and I don't even realize it?

At times I feel myself as though I am above myself, or at a distant, yet know there are others around. I can hear conversations as though miles away. I feel myself looking at someone but yet they seem far away. Sometimes I feel so silent as if I am afraid to be known that I exist or am there at all. Sometimes the more silent I get, the smaller I feel, the less I am seen; and the less I am seen, the less anyone has to know I am there or care. No one can hurt me if I am not there.

I know I am exhausted, but when does sleep come, when does my mind stop running? When do the memories stop? Is it when I stop being? Breathe-----

It's 7:00 AM, the world is awaking around me. I have to be okay and function as though I am okay and strong. The world does not need someone that is not strong. Always strong, no matter what, always be strong. There is nothing else acceptable. But deep within, no one knows how much I am falling to pieces. Pieces so small, so broken, I fear they will never be fixed or fit together again. Pieces of a person no one could ever care about, ever want to be around or even know.

This scares me so much that its one secret no one will ever know or see. Strong.............breathe.....

(((dps)))

Sleep is a strange thing, and it surprises me how one can function without enough of it. It sounds as if you are well used to getting very little - but know how hard it is to survive that way.

We are here with you and will not hurt you or push you away.


Bluegrey

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've been there, too. I know what lack of sleep can do to a person. I don't know your story, but I hope you have a prescriber who can help you find something that works for you. It took me months and a very patient prescriber to work out something that helped me. For now I'm getting reasonable sleep on a combo of a couple of low doses of meds. I can hardly even believe the difference just getting 6-7 hours of sleep makes. My ptsd is not as bad and mood and energy are better. Not normal, but better.
I also have been using an app called iSleep Easy that has been very calming for me and has helped me to dread bedtime less. I fall asleep with it on every night. I set the voice part to end after an hour, but the music to continue quietly all night for when I awaken again. It's been very helpful. Not a cure, but helpful.
Wish I could do more to help. But know you are not alone!
(((hugs)))