[bigjetplane]

I had a very "messed up" gay relationship during my time in high school. She manipulated my delusions to get me to fight less when she would physically and sexually abuse me (long story).

Possible trigger:

I suppose you could say I lost my virginity to rape thanks to this girl, if it counts as losing one's virginity?

I guess that's an opinion thing. Anyway...

I constantly have nightmares with her in them. She always hurts me somehow; mentally, physically, sexually... These dreams throw me off for the entire day. I feel guilty talking to my fiance about it, as it kind of gives the impression that I'm not over this girl. I am. I have no desire to interact with her or have any kind of relationship with her. But she's haunting me, and what she did is haunting me. I just want to be free of the events, but it won't let go of me. She has a very common name, and I freeze every time I hear it. I nearly panic. I can't listen to a certain band anymore because of the flashbacks it brings. I can't eat certain foods, smell certain scents... I have certain mannerisms that throw me into a small spiral when I subconsciously use them, because they instantly remind me of her, and what she did to me.

I don't know what to do. I just want to be free, and therapy is not an option at this point in my life.

[(JD)]

((safe hug)) It's tough to see you in such turmoil... and while you may have some good reasons to be in the relationship you are in, I would advise not to advance it any further until you have worked on your issues of the past. There is a great book about PTSD, The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook by Schiraldi.... there is much there that you can learn and do for yourself.

PTSD never goes away, and at this point there is no "cure" for it...but with expert help (therapy with someone whose expertise is ptsd/anxiety disorders) you can learn to live a manageable and somewhat enjoyable life.

Bringing someone into your intimate personal areas is really not advised until you do... you wouldn't want to ruin (or rather, have the PTSD ruin) what you have at this point, I'm sure. MOST others in our lives have no clue what PTSD does to someone...even when a T explains it over and over to them, they just don't get it...

Sounds like right now you need a very calm, uneventful, quiet lifestyle (removing triggers) and find a baseline of "doable" living.

[Open Eyes]

I am sorry you had that experience and High School is still so young and impressionable, possibly even more trusting then one should be too.

I am sorry that you cannot afford therapy right now or it isn't an option. Perhaps you could locate some books on DBT, maybe see if there is a group near you that you can get into that may not be expensive.

I think what is important to your healing is gaining on your establishing better boundaries for yourself so you are not ruminating with the stress of how this individual took advantage of you when you did not have the experience to set better boundaries.

When you experience a trigger, acknowledge it and say to yourself, yes that did happen and that it is not happening now. Yes, PTSD triggers are intrusive, something that many who do not experience it first hand do not understand. What I have found that helps me when interacting with a therapist is that I am not told to "just ignore, get over, not dwell, not allow myself" because I never "just" decide to struggle. It is better that I talk it out, work through whatever ends up triggering me and become consciously aware so that whatever it is I know "now" and that tends to reduce the trigger's power over me.

One of the things I have noticed about abusers of all kinds is that they are not willing to accept responsiblity and they tend to "blame their victims" instead. They get very good at "denial", "oh, I never did that or said that you are imagining or there is nothing wrong with what I did". There are also many who believe that if they are more educated, get a better grade than, or make more money than, or do a sport better than it qualifies them to put others down or that they are above others. It is never what one actually has, it always how they use it that matters, remember that because it applies to everyone you come across in your life. This individual was cruel and abusive towards you not because there was something wrong with you or you were ever unworthy, it was because this person doesn't "respect" anyone and simply doesn't have that ability.

Your talking to your fiance about it is due to how you are just not over being "hurt" and you are looking for support and reassurance as you look to move forward in your life in spite of being traumatized by that individual.

When you talk about it to your fiance, how does your fiance react?