TRIGGER: Feel like I'm under a microscope

I really dont know where to begin.

If there's a Trigger in here I apologize in advance. Ok there's probably going to be a big fat Trigger in here. *** side note. I finished writing it there's probably a lot of triggering stuff proceed with caution. ***

Info about Trauma # 1 and Trauma # 2 at bottom of all this.

I guess I'll tell you a little about Trauma # 2 Nothing graphic. I promise. Trying to provide some sort of background. I was in the US Navy from 2002 to 2006. Didn't see any action was never deployed. Did the usual go to boot camp then 'A' School. Got my first set of orders to Okinawa, Japan. Things were going good in my life. I thought they were I realized later on I was just avoiding Trauma # 1 all together. I essentially joined the military to escape my own reality of life. I couldn't deal with anything anymore. Trauma # 1 was reported to the authorities which was beyond my control as I confided in a school therapist about what happened. She was mandated by law to report it. Even though the Trauma was essentially over for a few years at this point. I was a minor. They were still able to file charges so they did. I was ashamed filled with guilt. The process dragged on and I was getting ready to leave for boot camp when the authorities approached me and asked me if I still wanted to press charges I was 18 at this point and had a say. I eventually dropped the charges after they told me I would have to fly back to NY and testify in court.

***ok that really has nothing to do with Trauma # 2 ***

In 2005 i got stationed state side on an Air Craft Carrier in one of the major Naval Bases. In 2006 Trauma # 2 occurred. Trauma # 2 was a blimp on a radar in comparison to Trauma # 1 yet it started my downward spiral almost instantaneously. Withing a matter of weeks I found myself in the psych ward wanting to kill myself. Not wanting to talk about anything. I just was avoiding everything i wanted a way out of thid existence. It was like an Atomic Bomb going off in my head everything from Trauma # 1 came flooding back. I got discharged from the psych ward after a week only to find myself back there 3 days later after a failed suicide attempt. I felt so hopeless by this point. The Navy wanted nothing to do with me. They started my separation papers. After another 17 days in the psych ward (which was just a suicide watch someone watching you 24 hours a day everyday, day in and day out) I was released to fend for my own. Thrown back into reality. I was handed my discharge paperwork 3 days later. As i walked off the pier for the last time the brow raised behind me. I slowly watched my ship disappear out of my vision. I was so lost and confused everything litterally sucked. I found myself back home in NY a few weeks later wondering how i ****ed my life up so bad.

After the Navy things started to settle down for me. I talked to know one about what happened. I pushed back any thought that came to me. I just tried to forget. I enrolled in college. Got my associates 2 years later. Was working a great job while in school got an even better one when i graduated. Things outwardly looked amazing to my friends and family. I was putting on a huge act. My job was faltering. I couldnt deal with peoples emotions i had absolutely no empathy for anyone which isnt a good thing when you work in Customer Service. (Tech Support). I cussed out a few to many people. Gave one to many returned attitudes it came down to me quitting or getting fired. I put my 2 weeks notice in. They asked me to stay ona week longer. I agreed. Mean while i spontaneously pack all my belongings in my apartment and put them in storage buy tickets to California to go be with a guy i once new who i hadnt seen or talked.to in 7 years. It sounded like a great idea at the time. I flew out to CA on 12/2/09 we were married 4/13/10. Divorced 2/26/13. We separated a year and a half in our marraige. While i was married my life spiraled out of control again. I was frantically trying to get help i was desperate at the time to fix my marraige. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and put on medication. My marraige went south anyways. While i was married my now ex-husband convinced me to apply for disability through the VA. So i did.

When i moved back to NY again. I was seeing a new psychiatrist and finally put in touch with a therapist who was a real *** hat if you ask me. Ok I recently ran into him and he didnt remember me. Whatever. I never did like him couldnt really talk with him about much just didnt feel comfortable. During this time frame though someone wrote on my medical chart that i had PTSD. I dont know who it was what dr diagnosed me. I just new it pissed me off. I didnt want that diagnosis.

I ended up moving again only 2 hours away from home this time but had to get all new Doctors. My support system was amazing. I was finally opening up about my ptsd accepting it for what it was. I had an amazing psychiatrist, therapist and substance abuse therapist. I went to a ptsd program for veterans. A 9 week intensive inpatient program. When i returned i got a new therapist she was amazing to. She specialized in ptsd. She never crammed treatment down my throat let me work at my own pace. Listened let me ask questions. I could call her if i needed extra support. My substance abuse therapist was just as helpful. I felt so secure in that bubble.

Back home things were crashing and burning without me realizing it. I get a frantic call from my mom this past october. Shes being rushed to the emergency room. She wants me to come home. I drive the 2 hours home. Diagnosed with a massive blood clot in one of her legs. I ended up staying home for a month. My family needed me home. My sister had other problems going on i new nothing about to. I could help with that too. In the beginning of November i found myself packing all my belongings and moving back home.

Now I'm back in my hometown. Starting over with therapists building back up my support network. Helping my mom helping my sister.

I can't stand my new psychiatrist. Ok he is not that bad. I'm just used to my old one. Somehow they placed me with an itern. I'm not to happy about it. He only works one day a week for half a day. : ( Sure they have a walk in psychiatrist there each day but its just not the same. I'm to afraid to ask how long he is going to be around. I really want someone more permanent. Just afraid to ask. Unrealistic fear.

New Substance abuse therapist seems pretty nice. Just getting to know her though. She tells me Im a very likeable person. Always asks me when i want to see her again and if i want to come back. Brought up to her that I dont have a therapist yet for PTSD. She said she would get back to me about that she did. I was told they dont want to put to much on my plate and it's not a good time to work on PTSD stuff. I should focus on my recovery meanwhile i am really struggling if i even have a problem sure i like to drink but more of a social drinker loner drinker. It was never really hard for me to put it down. Ive experimented with different drugs to. I just dont think i have an addiction to it. I just enjoy it more or less. So Substance abuse therapist tells me i can talk to her about the PTSD stuff if i want to. Frankly no dont feel comfortable doing that. I hold stuff in to much i need someone to help it come out someone with experience.

They also got me going to outpatient a few times a week at a place that does both mental health and addiction stuff. There i have a recovery coordinator. Like a therapist. Shes easy to talk to. I see her right now once every 2 to 3 weeks till april then it goes to once month. She told me before that if i bring something up that she would point me to who to talk to about it. She doesnt want to step on anyones toes.

So needless to say no therapist : ( no one really to talk to.

I feel like im under a microscope due to my own stupidity. Sometimes i need to vent about my home life. Just say if i fail a drug test right now i am royally ****ed and it would hurt more than just me. I feel like i cant get honest about what is really going on in my head with anyone. Im afraid right now i really am im putting a brave face on. I dont know how long i can do this for i got to though. There's someone depending on me. (Specifics ask through private message) I cannot write this publically. Paranoid.

**** MORE ON MOM ***
Mom's situation is far worse then we imagined back in October when it all started. They operated it came back. The blood clot moved up into her stomach before they operated. While in the hospital for the operation she staryed getting bad headaches they ordered an mri and ct scan of her head. They found a tumor on her pituitary gland that was bleeding. Needed a blood transfusion. Eventually discharged goes in for follow up blood clot surgery was unsuccessful. 100% blockage in leg. Inoperable at this point. Brain surgery pushed off waiting another surgery to put a filter in so they can remove tumor. Will re-evaluate leg down the line.

*** A LITTLE OF TRAUMA # 1 ***
*** TRIGGER ****

ok without going into to much details.

I wad 8 years old.

Mom meets a guy. Guy introduces mom to brother. Who just got out of jail for Involuntary manslaughter. Real winner here. Mom ends up with brother.

His so called friends. I recall 3 occasions specifically may have been more that involved his friends. Abused daily.

Abuse only ended because he returned to jail for armed robbery.

Drug addict. Mentally and Physically abusive to my mom. Witnessed alot of it.

**** A LITTLE OF TRAUMA # 2 ****
*** TRIGGER ***

I am trying not to downplay this i have been told i do. I was not raped. I was taken advantage of at a very vulnerable time. He tried to somehow someway he gave up trying to. Guilty conscious i dont know he stopped. Apologized and left. It was someone i new he texted me the next day and apologized again for the way he acted the night before however the damage was done.

I reported the incident which i think traumatized me even more because with Trauma # 1 i didnt tell anyone what happened for almost 4 years after it stopped.

**********

There's also 3 incidents in my life that occured that profoundly effect me and may or may not also be associated with my PTSD.

TRIGGER WARNING AGAIN

1) I was the product of rape. I new this from a really young age. I was raised by my biological mother.
2) There was a conversation I had with my abuser in Trauma # 1 after my sister was born his biological child. Where i asked him if he was going to do this to her? He responded that he didn't know.
3) Remember i dropped the charges. So i didn't have to deal with any of this when i joined the military. Well he spent 10 years in jail for.Armed robbery. He was eventually let out. A few years later i read in the papet I feel so guilty for not following through with the charges i somehow think its all my fault another child had to endure the abuse by thid man. If only i did something differently.

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(((ggtina))),

You just did such a good job with sharing your traumas, that is showing how the therapy you had has helped you more than you might realize. Please be "kind" to self though when it comes to how you develop "guilt" as you are healing and gaining on your ability to put your past into words as you have just done. It's important to keep in mind that when someone is traumatized as you have described, they just don't have the capacity to really stand back and evaluate as you had been slowly doing once you found a good support team. Also, you were simply not in any state of mind to deal with what you described when it came time to reporting the abuse you suffered. You avoided that because you were in no condition to endure any more stress, you deserve to understand that all you did was try to protect yourself because you simply were not capable of experiencing that kind of additional mental stress and the brain will try to self protect when it comes to an overload of the chemicals it endures when a person is under too much stress so not all of how you struggled with was really something you were consciously able to reason out and control.

Your statement of "if I only did something differently" is actually more normal then you think, the reason we experience these thoughts is a big part of why we have survived as a species. The only time a human being can even begin to analyze a threat/trauma is once they are in a relatively "safe" place where they can have something of a calm instead of being so hypervigilant and simply running off of cortizol and adreneline.

It's important to realize that when you were being abused, you were too young to even begin to know how to better protect yourself and all you could do is follow along with whatever the abuser needed because that is the only way you could have survived at the time. It is also very normal if once free of an abuser to block out what took place and try to move forward, again, that is what we as human beings are designed to do.

It's important to realize that if a person develops PTSD, they are very sensitive to anything that is a threat, and that is why you are feeling like you are under a microscope. You had finally found a good support team and then you had to leave that safe support system to face some challenges that you really are not stable enough to face. The truth is that your mother and sister should be exposed to a support system that can help them, you are not qualified to take on that role as you need that for yourself right now. You have an idea of what they need because you had and still do need it yourself, but, that doesn't mean "you" deserve to be put in that role or feel you need to "fake" that role for them. It's very hard to not turn to some kind of drug to have a relief, you are trying, but you have too much on your plate and not enough help and a good support system in place and since you did have that you do know what you need and if you don't see that in the professionals that you have been reaching out to, it can be very frustrating. I am wondering if you can contact the individuals you did have that were helping you that you had to leave because you were asked to go home and help because of your mother's health challenges?

I understand that it's very hard to admit you need more help then you are getting. Perhaps you again feel like if you don't bear the burden you will be somehow failing and will only end up feeling guilty. However, it's so important to understand that if you are being asked to do something you are not equipped to do, that doesn't mean you should think you have to or whatever lacks is "your fault" somehow.

Your history is not your fault, you really did not have anyone to provide you with a safe environment to grow and develop as a person. You sound like a person who is trying very hard, however, as you are doing so it is also important to make sure you continue on a path of gaining on your personal sense of "self care" and also understand that there are going to be things going on around you in your life that you will have no control over. Your mother's health is being addressed by individuals who are professional doctors however that turns out is not anything you can control. Your sister should be getting help by a therapist, you are not a therapist.

What do you know so far? Well, you have learned that finding the right support system is important and it helped you. That is what your sister needs to find, and you also need to find for yourself. Your sister needs to learn how to reach out for a support system so she can get help with learning how to "self help" with support. You also need that for yourself and you have learned what helps you. If you are going to be successful with staying sober, you need to have more support so you can reduce the burden that is on your shoulders that is too much for you. You need to make it "clear" to your addiction counselor that you need more support. Having someone at least once a week is what you need, you need to have a person who you can vent to at least once a week with what you are dealing with right now. You need to be able to give away some of this overwhelming stress to, it's simply not fair to you to go it alone as you have described.

(((Caring Supportive Hugs)))

OE