[sriracha]

I’ve had PTSD for close to two years now, and although I have increase anxiety and sadness, the worst way I feel pain is my extreme anger. I wasn’t perfect, but I never had anger issues until this happened. My bf and I live together and he has been with me since years before the event that caused my trauma. He is amazingly kind and loving, my number one supporter. I love him with all my heart and I hate the person I’ve become because I constantly focus my anger on him. I don’t say mean or critical things or insult him, I’ve never (and would never) engage in physical violence, or even punching walls or breaking things, but how it does come out is through my tone and volume, body language and just general vibe I give off. Like, I’ll feel crappy when lots of little annoyances and stresses build up, because my baseline is now defaulted to angry not just neutral like before the trauma, like under my skin is just this festering lava. I’m never mad, or that mad, for the reason I think I am. I’d be annoyed normally if my bf forgot to scoop the cat box, again, and my cat peed under my desk (which is how my cat takes his anger out on us), but I get really mad, usually coming out as passive-aggressive. Since I am angry in a way that is not anything like “normal” anger (I’ve been told PTSD anger comes from a different, much deeper place), and this is my default, anything that would make me annoyed or upset in normal circumstances just elevates it to a crazy level. I try and try to keep it under control but it’s like by the time I realize how much of an asshole I’m being, it’s too late and I’ve already hurt/upset him. A lot of times when I’m angry about something unrelated to him (which is most often the case) and I know I will probably snap, I try to get away from him and say, “Look, I’m really angry right now, I need to just go deal with it”,”… no, I don’t want to talk about it…” “…no it’s not related to you, you didn’t do anything wrong…” (as I’m getting more pissed off), then “Oh my god! I literally JUST said it’s not related to you! It’s not your fault!” and I realize I’m shouting. Oops, crap. I might as well have just said, “I HATE YOU GET LOST EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT!” I seldom regret what I say, but I often regret the way I said it, because under calmer terms, the same phrases wouldn't be a problem. The “take a deep breath and count to ten” thing works when I’m irritated at how long the checkout line is, or how Mr. Oldman is driving 10 miles under the speed limit with his blinker on for 3 miles, but it’s got its limit. Like, I put on this happy face and keep it together all day long, and it’s so exhausting, when I get home, to the person I am most comfortable with and trusting of with my true feelings, I drop that face next to my coat and purse. I hate myself for being the most awful to the person I love most. I act like a damn 5 year old. I want to get better for all kinds of reasons, but the fact that I feel like I’ve robbed myself of my ability to be an adult and a good partner by letting my trauma affect me this much makes me feel like a complete monster. I am getting help, as I’ve just had my first session with a new therapist (and believe me I did tell her about all of this crap), but it won’t get better over night, so I’m looking for short term solutions. Since I know that anger is really common in PTSD and maybe others on this site suffer as well, I wondered if anyone would care to share how they manage it?

[Out There]

Hi there , Yes , I can relate to this ( unfortunately ). Its good that you're getting help with this. I've used several things in conjunction with talk therapy. I've had EMDR which helped a lot. Also mindfulness techniques, trauma release exercises ( TRE ) , binaural beat tones. Exercise is good , even just walking and getting out in nature. It does subside if you work on it all. I look back and see how angry and frustrated I was. I hope that helps , there's so many things that people do or like , I also took up adult colouring. I wish you well , you're not a monster , also there are resources for people dealing with trauma and their family / partners helping them with it and understanding it. The " Out of the fog " website is good.

[avlady]

i totally understand!!!i have PTSD from hitting my head on the pavement during a pedistrian accident and from 3 other accidents too where i smashed my head on sewer covers during the accidents.extreme anger is what i felt and still feel. i do try to control myself rarely screaming or shouting, but hold it inside. i can't concentrate for more than a few minutes, and i still can hear in my head the sound of it smashing it on the ground. oh yes i forgot i was assulted by an exfiance too and he bashed my head in the pavement too.if someone here could put the trigger symbol on here for me i would appreciate it. i don't know how to do it.again the anger is the main issue with me too. i see a doc and t and they've helped greatly.

[avlady]

i took up adult coloring too a week ago and it is very helpful i love it!

[skeksi]

I've been thinking bout your post all day. I've been getting into the anger with my T and I feel like a loose cannon. I find myself infuriated by very minor annoyances. In my case, feeling anger terrifies me so I have a fear reaction, but I still find myself being way more grouchy than I am comfortable with at work and with family. Long term, I am working on pressing anger and learning to modulate it with T (literally, every session is me blowing up on him and us working through it. It is slowly helping, so have faith about your new T!)

Short term, what helps me is trying to narrate what's going on to myself--I will mentally say, "Ugh, I am so annoyed that he did X! I feel like he didn't listen or care at all. I'm getting all tight in my muscles. And I'm clenching my teeth. I'm so freaking mad!" For me narrating it gives me an extra second to catch myself before I feel like I've lost control. If I can get out of the situation, I sneak into the bathroom and doing something to engage all my muscles--like a full-body squeeze & release of all my muscles, or some squats, etc. that helps me feel more present too.