[LittleLeah]

Let me back up and give the full picture.

Since the start of the new year I have felt my depression getting worse. I chalked it up to stress. I had my tonsils removed, I was planning a wedding, a move, and starting a new job. So I ignored my symptoms and assumed once things settled down so would the depression. I got married Feb. 29th and moved March 1st.

Around mid-April I realized that my depression was still continuing to get worse. I reached out to my psychiatrist to try and get an appointment, or at least figure something out over the phone. It turned out that she was on medical leave but I could set an appointment for the middle of June. I did so but let them know that I still needed to be seen sooner. They told me they'd pass the message along and get back to me. A week went by without a call so I called back. They again told me that they'd pass the message along to her nurse and that the nurse would get back to me. After some phone tag I finally was able to talk to someone. They told me that they'd increase my meds but that they weren't able to get me in. I took the new doses for 2 weeks and nothing was getting better. I called again and after another few days of phone tag they said they bump the doses up further.

Things were going downhill fast and like usual, when my depression gets worse my PTSD goes from manageable to hell. I was waking up multiple times a night from nightmares and having multiple panic attacks a day. I began to have a lot of suicidal thoughts. I had to quit working. A few weeks ago my husband had me hospitalized. They let me out after a day since I wasn't an active threat to myself. A few days later we decided to check me back in. Again they discharged me after a day saying the same thing. While there they kept pushing DBT. I've done DBT multiple times in the past with little success. I couldn't seem to explain to them why it didn't help. They decided to put me into partial hospitalization. I started a week ago.

Things were going great while I was there. I was having a lot of success with OT and the sensory integration. I was having less success with the DBT skills groups they had us in.

On Friday morning I woke up from a new, very vivid nightmare. I was instantly triggered into flashbacks. They just kept looping. When I arrived at the program I couldn't focus. I was disembodied and I couldn't get my eyes to track. That isn't uncommon for me when I'm extremely triggered. It takes a lot of energy to get my eyes to move, they just stare. I'm not able to get them to lift up above the midline so I'm not able to make eye contact with anyone. During our morning processing group I reported what was happening. I wasn't able to discuss a lot of what was happening with our therapist/group leader because I wasn't able to connect with my mind or body very well. I kept slipping back into flashbacks. She is one who is very DBT focused and always pushes me to apply the skills or identify negative self-talk. Afterwards I had OT. The OT I worked with was very kind and understanding. She knew that I wasn't able to control what was happening and worked with me to try and find something that might help me feel grounded. She always asked my permission before suggesting something and didn't push when I wasn't able to complete certain tasks. In the afternoon I was still stuck in zombie mode. I couldn't pull out of it. During one of the other groups my therapist/group leader pulled me out to talk. She wanted to make sure I'd be safe over the 3 day weekend. I told her that I would be. She asked if we could go over my treatment goals. I didn't respond so she started going over them anyways. She asked me what I planned to do after the partial program was over. I wasn't sure. She told me I should do DBT. I told her no. She pushed again telling me that I should try again and actually apply the skills. I should let you know that this whole conversation was really taxing because I was trying to focus but my mind kept drifting and a lot of what she said was confusing me. She finally dropped it and went back to my goals. She handed me the sheet and told me to read over them. This is something that I'm really self-conscious about. I was still not able to make my eyes to move and stop staring. When I'm like that I can't read. Even though I know it has nothing to do with my intellect, it still makes me feel inferior. She then asked me if I was even reading them. I explained to her what was happening. She then told me that she'll have me sign the treatment goals and we could go over them later. I wasn't in any condition to sign but I did what I was told. I even needed to ask her to point out on the paper where to sign because I wasn't able to see or read the sheet. She pushed me to talk about what was going on. I told her I was still having flashbacks from this morning. I told her I also felt really disconnected from my body. She then asked me to tell her what I felt with my feet. I couldn't answer her because I didn't know. She seemed frustrated. She tried other body parts with the same result. She asked me how groups were going today. I told her they were really hard because I couldn't concentrate and that I felt exhausted. I don't remember what else she said but she kept pushing me for responses. Finally I started crying and repeating that I wanted to go home. She then asked me if I remember the participation agreement I had signed in the beginning and that if I left early it would count as an absence. Due to some appointments I had set up I couldn't have another absence without getting discharged from the program. She began to tell me that insurance would have an issue with that and I may risk any further treatments being covered. I told her that I felt trapped and that I was being punished. She kept pushing. Finally I completely snapped and ran out of there. I actually ran to my car. I was having a full blown panic attack. The one good side was that she pushed me into fight or flight mode and my eyes were back to working. The whole drive home I was bawling and screaming I want to go home. When I got home my husband who was asleep (he works overnights) woke up when he heard me crying and came out. I just kept repeating don't make me go back there, I don't want to go back and she kept pushing, she wouldn't stop pushing. Finally he was able to get the story from me. Since he was my emergency contact she ended up calling him. He *****ed her out. Telling her how pushing me when I felt trapped and cornered would only make it worse and how she shouldn't have brought up insurance, one of my stressors, when I was already super overwhelmed. He told her that I wouldn't be returning. She told him that I needed to call back and officially withdraw. I am so thankful for him! This whole weekend I've had therapy nightmares added to my usual nightmares. I've also had panic attacks every time I've thought about going back or seeing that woman. I'm really disappointed too because I had hope that that program would really help me. I liked who I was in groups with and especially the help I was getting through OT. Yesterday I called and left a message with the place telling them that I couldn't return. I knew they were closed but I didn't want to talk to anyone. I feel even more helpless now.

The one good thing that came out of this is that I now know how to explain why DBT wasn't helpful. I've had similar problems in the past. DBT therapists don't seem to know how to handle PTSD. They are so focused on the cognitive and wanting me to identify and change my negative thought patterns that they complete ignore that PTSD is largely a physiological response. In the past, and again repeated on Friday, they keep pushing or digging and don't let up. They want to argue with what I was feeling instead of validating that I was feeling and helping me identify what it was I felt. I felt so backed into a corner and even more powerless. I couldn't think straight and this woman was unrelenting. I don't even remember most of what she was saying. All I do remember is that I felt terrified.

[Skeezyks]

Hello LittleLeah: I'm sorry you had such a disturbing experience. It's good that at least something came out of it. I send healing thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace within...

[1976kitchenfloor]

Originally Posted by LittleLeah

Let me back up and give the full picture.

Since the start of the new year I have felt my depression getting worse. I chalked it up to stress. I had my tonsils removed, I was planning a wedding, a move, and starting a new job. So I ignored my symptoms and assumed once things settled down so would the depression. I got married Feb. 29th and moved March 1st.

Around mid-April I realized that my depression was still continuing to get worse. I reached out to my psychiatrist to try and get an appointment, or at least figure something out over the phone. It turned out that she was on medical leave but I could set an appointment for the middle of June. I did so but let them know that I still needed to be seen sooner. They told me they'd pass the message along and get back to me. A week went by without a call so I called back. They again told me that they'd pass the message along to her nurse and that the nurse would get back to me. After some phone tag I finally was able to talk to someone. They told me that they'd increase my meds but that they weren't able to get me in. I took the new doses for 2 weeks and nothing was getting better. I called again and after another few days of phone tag they said they bump the doses up further.

Things were going downhill fast and like usual, when my depression gets worse my PTSD goes from manageable to hell. I was waking up multiple times a night from nightmares and having multiple panic attacks a day. I began to have a lot of suicidal thoughts. I had to quit working. A few weeks ago my husband had me hospitalized. They let me out after a day since I wasn't an active threat to myself. A few days later we decided to check me back in. Again they discharged me after a day saying the same thing. While there they kept pushing DBT. I've done DBT multiple times in the past with little success. I couldn't seem to explain to them why it didn't help. They decided to put me into partial hospitalization. I started a week ago.

Things were going great while I was there. I was having a lot of success with OT and the sensory integration. I was having less success with the DBT skills groups they had us in.

On Friday morning I woke up from a new, very vivid nightmare. I was instantly triggered into flashbacks. They just kept looping. When I arrived at the program I couldn't focus. I was disembodied and I couldn't get my eyes to track. That isn't uncommon for me when I'm extremely triggered. It takes a lot of energy to get my eyes to move, they just stare. I'm not able to get them to lift up above the midline so I'm not able to make eye contact with anyone. During our morning processing group I reported what was happening. I wasn't able to discuss a lot of what was happening with our therapist/group leader because I wasn't able to connect with my mind or body very well. I kept slipping back into flashbacks. She is one who is very DBT focused and always pushes me to apply the skills or identify negative self-talk. Afterwards I had OT. The OT I worked with was very kind and understanding. She knew that I wasn't able to control what was happening and worked with me to try and find something that might help me feel grounded. She always asked my permission before suggesting something and didn't push when I wasn't able to complete certain tasks. In the afternoon I was still stuck in zombie mode. I couldn't pull out of it. During one of the other groups my therapist/group leader pulled me out to talk. She wanted to make sure I'd be safe over the 3 day weekend. I told her that I would be. She asked if we could go over my treatment goals. I didn't respond so she started going over them anyways. She asked me what I planned to do after the partial program was over. I wasn't sure. She told me I should do DBT. I told her no. She pushed again telling me that I should try again and actually apply the skills. I should let you know that this whole conversation was really taxing because I was trying to focus but my mind kept drifting and a lot of what she said was confusing me. She finally dropped it and went back to my goals. She handed me the sheet and told me to read over them. This is something that I'm really self-conscious about. I was still not able to make my eyes to move and stop staring. When I'm like that I can't read. Even though I know it has nothing to do with my intellect, it still makes me feel inferior. She then asked me if I was even reading them. I explained to her what was happening. She then told me that she'll have me sign the treatment goals and we could go over them later. I wasn't in any condition to sign but I did what I was told. I even needed to ask her to point out on the paper where to sign because I wasn't able to see or read the sheet. She pushed me to talk about what was going on. I told her I was still having flashbacks from this morning. I told her I also felt really disconnected from my body. She then asked me to tell her what I felt with my feet. I couldn't answer her because I didn't know. She seemed frustrated. She tried other body parts with the same result. She asked me how groups were going today. I told her they were really hard because I couldn't concentrate and that I felt exhausted. I don't remember what else she said but she kept pushing me for responses. Finally I started crying and repeating that I wanted to go home. She then asked me if I remember the participation agreement I had signed in the beginning and that if I left early it would count as an absence. Due to some appointments I had set up I couldn't have another absence without getting discharged from the program. She began to tell me that insurance would have an issue with that and I may risk any further treatments being covered. I told her that I felt trapped and that I was being punished. She kept pushing. Finally I completely snapped and ran out of there. I actually ran to my car. I was having a full blown panic attack. The one good side was that she pushed me into fight or flight mode and my eyes were back to working. The whole drive home I was bawling and screaming I want to go home. When I got home my husband who was asleep (he works overnights) woke up when he heard me crying and came out. I just kept repeating don't make me go back there, I don't want to go back and she kept pushing, she wouldn't stop pushing. Finally he was able to get the story from me. Since he was my emergency contact she ended up calling him. He *****ed her out. Telling her how pushing me when I felt trapped and cornered would only make it worse and how she shouldn't have brought up insurance, one of my stressors, when I was already super overwhelmed. He told her that I wouldn't be returning. She told him that I needed to call back and officially withdraw. I am so thankful for him! This whole weekend I've had therapy nightmares added to my usual nightmares. I've also had panic attacks every time I've thought about going back or seeing that woman. I'm really disappointed too because I had hope that that program would really help me. I liked who I was in groups with and especially the help I was getting through OT. Yesterday I called and left a message with the place telling them that I couldn't return. I knew they were closed but I didn't want to talk to anyone. I feel even more helpless now.

The one good thing that came out of this is that I now know how to explain why DBT wasn't helpful. I've had similar problems in the past. DBT therapists don't seem to know how to handle PTSD. They are so focused on the cognitive and wanting me to identify and change my negative thought patterns that they complete ignore that PTSD is largely a physiological response. In the past, and again repeated on Friday, they keep pushing or digging and don't let up. They want to argue with what I was feeling instead of validating that I was feeling and helping me identify what it was I felt. I felt so backed into a corner and even more powerless. I couldn't think straight and this woman was unrelenting. I don't even remember most of what she was saying. All I do remember is that I felt terrified.

Hello. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I sed you big grandma hugs and lots and lot fo good vibes!

Please take care and be kind and generous to yourself. You deserve it.

[LittleLeah]

Thank you, both of you.

A big issue is that I don't know where to go from here. I'm still in need of a lot of help but now I'm really scared to find any. I feel extremely overwhelmed and helpless. While my husband is supportive, he doesn't quite get it. Yesterday he asked what help he could find for me that I wouldn't end up quitting. And the answer is that I don't know. I want help but I'm also really scared.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry it was so traumatizing. I've had similar experiences (especially with dbt). I wasn't able to read all of your post, sorry... do you have a therapist outside of the program for support in the "down" time?
Would you be open to a trauma-specific program? When none of the other programs or treatments I tried had worked, the trauma-specific program was miles above (I only wish insurance hadn't kicked me out when they did)...
I'm sorry treatment has been so rough...

[LittleLeah]

I don't have a therapist anymore. I had one for a couple years but the relationship kind of became sour when she just kept telling me to try the same things I was telling her that weren't working. I left her last August but haven't found one that I click with yet. I'm not looking for one that is specifically trauma related. I don't do well with other therapists who hear my trauma background and do the overly-empathetic "I'm so sorry that happened to you." Nope! I haven't learned to develop empathy for myself yet so it just sounds like pity or worse, like I'm destroying their innocence. I need someone who can listen to my story and just nod in understanding. I have a call into therapy office that has two therapists who are certified in EMDR through EMDRIA. My previous therapist tried doing EMDR with me but it wasn't much of a success because like I mentioned before, when I become triggered my eyes don't track. Well I recently learned that EMDR just needs to be bilateral stimulation and that there are other options than just eye movement.

Would you be open to a trauma-specific program? When none of the other programs or treatments I tried had worked, the trauma-specific program was miles above (I only wish insurance hadn't kicked me out when they did)...

I've never heard of such a thing. I wouldn't even know where to look for something like that.

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by LittleLeah

I don't have a therapist anymore. I had one for a couple years but the relationship kind of became sour when she just kept telling me to try the same things I was telling her that weren't working. I left her last August but haven't found one that I click with yet. I'm not looking for one that is specifically trauma related. I don't do well with other therapists who hear my trauma background and do the overly-empathetic "I'm so sorry that happened to you." Nope! I haven't learned to develop empathy for myself yet so it just sounds like pity or worse, like I'm destroying their innocence. I need someone who can listen to my story and just nod in understanding. I have a call into therapy office that has two therapists who are certified in EMDR through EMDRIA. My previous therapist tried doing EMDR with me but it wasn't much of a success because like I mentioned before, when I become triggered my eyes don't track. Well I recently learned that EMDR just needs to be bilateral stimulation and that there are other options than just eye movement.


I've never heard of such a thing. I wouldn't even know where to look for something like that.

I ended up with a trauma t when my prior t dumped me after hospitalizing me... she is pretty good about not being overly sympathetic... hope one of the emdr t's work out for you. Having the other options for bilateral stimulation was really helpful. I don't track well either when dissociating. My t offered the headphones and the little buzzing things I could hold. I found it helpful.

There aren't too many trauma programs around the us, but I know of a few along the east coast; the psychiatric institute of Washington's - the center, Shepard-Pratt, WIIT (can't remember what the acronym stands for, but it's a trauma treatment center for women down in Hollywood Florida), there's a program associated with mclean hospital in Boston... you can find a list of trauma programs at sidran.org. I think there is also a list of resources on the website for istss.org (I think that's the site. It's the international society for traumatic stress or something ally those lines. Sorry. It's difficult to look up from my phone).

It can be hard to keep racing out and trying other things when previous treatment options haven't worked or have been further traumatizing. I hope you can find something that works.

[kecanoe]

You might try looking for a t who uses Somatic Experiencing or Brain Spotting. They are both helpful (as is EMDR) for trauma and dissociation. Emdr with buzzy things that you hold and/or sound and/or tapping is good also.

[LucyD]

Sounds like a terrible experience you went through with the DBT person. I believe I was traumatized by a therapist, too. I developed OCD on top of my PTSD. I was terrified when I saw him. I should have run from him like you did. You were right to run from her!! I hope you can find something that works for you.

[Chuva]

I just want to say I understand. I went through a similar re-traumatizing experience and, oddly enough, this was while having EMDR. I had a very disturbing memory of something I rationally couldn't remember at all, and my T just said it wasn't important and wasn't worth exploring it further. She was a certified EMDR T, but I'm sure she wasn't very experienced. In fact, I've been much worse since that day, with very bad symptomps. I didn't even have very bad PTSD before that, but afterwards it just became worse every day.

I hope you can find a solution that works for you

[Fuzzybear]