I am so tired...

Sometimes I get this feeling like i am so tired..and that trying to find a relief feels like blowing air into a balloon with a hole. If you do it - the hole expands. I would feel this every time i tired to be busy - because i had some many failures. The class professor would give me a look of pity....and i felt there was something wrong with me. Deeply wrong ....

This was one of many triggers for possible past...assaults/cases of abuse i could have undergone...not consciously...

I know in my "normal" memory...i have one, which i agreed to, because, young as i was, i did not understand that it would traumatize me - and i did not have the memory of the past...

I feel phantom pain and anxiety many times....and like loud voices make me go insane...i hope there is an ease to this suffering..i was in therapy but it was back 2010-2013....and it helped when it was there...my therapist would not get me back...i sought help and got to one who ended the session, as i was talking about my closest condition to a suicide attempt...the conversation was not well organized.

Just felt like getting this out...i guess i will have to live with this. I forget and get myself on a high speed. Then i fall. So i will have to take smaller steps, now. Avoidance will make me fail in the end.

Thank you for reading

Thank you so much open eyes!

It was good that you made the attempt to "get this out" Irine. I can actually relate to what you are describing. PTSD is most definitely a package of challenges that for the individual struggling, is an effort to understand and articulate.

I find that when I make it a point to make an effort, even in presenting my opinion on something, I can end up facing some kind of disapproval that can lead to me feeling "depressed" or challenged in ways I struggle to articulate effectively. I too am sensitive to loud noises. I do struggle with a lot of anticipation anxiety which is also common to the challenge of PTSD as one of the challenges within this disorder is "anxiety". I can relate to feeling tired because if I experience a trigger of somekind and struggle with an anxiety attack they notoriously tire me out. This is because experiencing a challenging anxiety attack can actually feel like one has ran a marathon.

Do you see a struggle to articulate effectively in my post ? Just curious....because it will reflect on my current ability...which can be on and off. Do I write not clear....?

I think you did a good job articulating. PTSD symptoms are very confusing, I was so confused by it myself. It took me a while to understand it and slowly figure out the things/situations that trigger me.

Always remember that the desire to end one's life, the impulse, is because of overwhelm and NEVER act on that impulse because it is like the other symptoms, it comes in like a wave, but receeds, so know it does go away. I had these strong impulses myself, and it was hard to talk about them. They began to slowly ease up while I worked with my therapist and slowly talked things out.

I experienced a trauma and it was a lot of sudden loss and I had a post traumatic breakdown. I struggled and got worse and things began to trigger flashbacks from the past. Now I understand that somehow PTSD can trigger past experiences that are related to the current feeling of being afraid, the stress etc. Often we do not realize this, but our brains do remember everything. I began remembering things that happened to me that interfered with my effort to progress in my life, often because of others who disrespected/hurt me in someway.

You say, you had so many failures, well, I don't know what these failures involve but somehow that affected your sense of security about moving forward and accomplishing things. Failures are not always a bad thing, we learn a great deal from failures, it means we tried and maybe we did not do something long enough to slowly figure out how to do it in a way that brings a sense of finally accomplishing.

What you need to slowly figure out is the core of what upset you the most in your life. For a lot of people it has to do with other individuals disrupting their progress and even making an effort to degrade them in someway. These people are stone throwers, sometimes they can take someone by surprise. I find that most of the people who suffer from PTSD are actually VERY NICE, KIND PEOPLE, but they were hurt by stone throwers and simply did not know what to do about it. Often "toxic" people have that element of surprise simply because they develop toxic skills they know work. A nice person doesn't intentionally have that mindset and so they can be caught off guard.

I can say for certain I have been caught off guard by toxic people. I don't think the way these kind of people think. NOT MY FAULT, NOT YOUR FAULT.