I Don't Know What's Real

It's like I can't see what I'm doing. It's like my body goes on autopilot as I deal with my mind whirling around what happened. Hallucinations are one thing, I can make them go away by ignoring them but the flashbacks....What the hell do I do about those? I'm scared because when it's this bad, like it is right now, I go into this dissociative state where I won't remember what happened or what I did. I feel like it's getting to that point right now but I don't know how to combat it. That's why I'm writing this, in a hope that maybe, if I keep writing I'll be able to stay in the present and not blackout. I don't want to black out and I don't want to relive what happened. It's killing me right now. Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just be okay? Why do I have to be insane?

First things first: do you have a psych, medication and/or therapist?

None of the above.

Ok start there

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I've tried all three. The therapist wanted to push me into talking about what I couldn't talk about, the psych just gave me more medication, the medication (mostly all of the antidepressants) made me fixate on suicide to a point where it was all I thought about. I tried Effexor, Zoloft, Amitriptyline, Trazodone, Proprapolol etc.. None of it worked and all of it made things worse. The anti-anxiety's were a joke and after all of that I was done with medication experimentation. I was tired of fixating on ways to kill myself and planning out every single detail. I was also tired of having to stay in a hospital while they did this, out of work and away from home. I know I should at least try a new therapist but I can't seem to be able to.

I strongly suggest a NEW therapist. There are therapist that are simply ineffective. gather your strength, remember one size does not fit all, and you need to be your best advocate because you matter!!!!