[Rio_]

(Don't know if the trigger icon is necessary, but thought I'd better use it just in case.)

I've posted before about deliberately looking/reading things that trigger me, and I'm having a problem with it at the moment. At a forum I visit, one of my friends there has started a topic about profiling school shooters...I wish he hadn't, since he knows perfectly well my issues with this, but maybe he thinks I have enough sense not to read it.

He's wrong. I opened the thread, and although I closed it again quickly because it made me feel anxious I'm having a hard time stopping myself from going back to it. Can someone please remind me why reading it would be a bad idea? (I know the easy answer is to not visit the site again until the post has been deleted, but I'd hate to avoid an entire site just for one post. It isn't the first time something like this has happened, it won't be the last, and I don't want to have to run away each time...it makes me feel weak, especially considering my involvement with the original event was minimal at best. )

[(JD)]

(((rio))) There is a type of magnetism to information regarding some things, isn't there? Someone who has been traumatized needs to go over and over and over the event, to work through it, to try and make sense out of it, and to find new information that might "make it all better." IMO.

You might try making a list of things to do prior to reading any such material. This might not keep you from revisiting the event, but it will help you feel better and in more control when you do so? Make sure you ground yourself first. Have a mantra or even a note to read that says, This isn't happening now. I am safe. I am just sitting here reading. That will help you stay in the present and not flashback.

I hope you can stop minimizing your "minimal involvement" in the event. It doesn't matter where you were at the time, how close or far or whether you were in any real danger or not. The fact that it traumatized you is what you need to focus on. The sooner you get help with this the less long-range effect it will have on your life.

[Rio_]

(((Sky))) Thanks. Yes, there is.

That's a good idea! I'm not sure what to put on the list, though - what would you suggest? I like the mantra idea, too.

Thanks, I guess that's true. The fact that there were so many other people involved (I think there were around 700 in the school at the time, not including teachers) makes it difficult for me not to compare. I did get help, but when things like this happen it makes me wonder how much it worked. Guess it's my fault for giving up one of the coping techniques, I really should get back into the habit of it again.

[SandyWeb]

((((Rio)))))

You and I know each other's stories. We are both the same in that I was not involved in the airline crash rescue (turns out there was no one to rescue), and you were not in that gym. BUT....the fact remains that you WERE on the scene and saw events and I worked for 4 months with body parts.

Critical incident stress involves any event that has the power to produce emotional stress and difficulty in coping in healthy people. Stress reactions can appear immediately, hours, days, weeks, months, and even last for a lifetime. It can affect the way a person thinks, feels, and behaves. It is a NORMAL and PREDICTABLE reaction to an abnormal traumatic event. Just two examples of critical incidents that affect both you and me would be a mass casualty event or incidents that attract extremely unusual media coverage.

I don't know why we sometimes are drawn to read about the events over again or to visit the sites or to look at pictures. It really does hurt, and can bring back all the old original feelings and images. It doesn't seem to do any good, especially when it can sometimes last for quite awhile and you find yourself needing more meds just to get through it. I truly, truly do not know why we do that to ourselves. Unless it's just our minds ensuring that we never become desensitized to human suffering, and that we will always appreciate the preciousness of life.....anybody's and everybody's life.

I have a packet stashed away with all the original paperwork and commendations and items from being in my situation. I don't go near it, but I have it. Two nights ago I NEEDED to see a certain map...it was important for me to see one of the irregularities in their flight as they tried to survive. I had to go into that packet. I didn't want to. But I really had a driving need to see the map. So the whole time I was going through all the paperwork, I was humming a little made-up overly-loud tune, as though what I was looking at wasn't that big a deal. It may have helped some, but I still was affected by items I had forgotten all about....such as the sonar photos of the debris field under the ocean.

I really don't know how to answer your question other than to say that you and I are not the only ones who seek out remembrances. And maybe just humming really loud to yourself, some tune that doesn't even make sense, helps you to progress quicker through whatever you are looking at. I don't know.

I wish you the best in your coping strategies and your memories. It does NOT matter how minimal your part was in the event......you have memories that you didn't understand until you were older and found out what had happened that day. You were traumatized. You could almost compare it to a friend of mine that I used to know, and then I found out that he had died.....two years previously. But I mourned like it had just happened. I was in shock over it, even though a whole two years had already gone by.

The events we were involved in were quite different and our ages are different......but we both went through a critical incident stress situation. You got to go home and feel safe with your family whereas I stayed involved for another 4 months.....until it was just something I couldn't deal with daily anymore. So don't try to downplay your involvement or think that you're not entitled to feel stress because you weren't one of the major characters (so to speak). You WERE involved. You WERE affected. You WERE traumatized. And I have to say, I think you're doing very well. You really are. You're not acting any differently than I am or many others. Normal response to an abnormal situation.

I wish you well, ((((Rio))))

God bless,
Sandy

[Rio_]

((((SandyWeb)))) Thanks. I don't know what to say, but I really appreciate your reply, thankyou again.

I just tried searching for grounding techniques on Google and of course I got sidetracked to other PTSD links that talk about the effects and now I'm feeling anxious again and thinking things I shouldn't...ugh.

[(JD)]

We have grounding techniques posted at the top of psychotherapy forum. ((((Rio))))

[Rio_]

((((Sky)))) Thanks. I checked those first, should have stopped there really. I tried some of them last night, though, and I think it helped me sleep.

[(JD)]

(((((Rio)))) Keep doing... I'm glad they helped already.

Distraction is good. Find something that interests you as much or more that you can turn to when these thoughts come.

TC

[Rio_]

(((Sky))) Thanks. That's a good idea.

[Juliaspavlov]

Rio i understand why you keep looking at related stuff!! i think we do that because we might understand it better. I could be wrong. My brother witnessed terrible things happening to me and he suffered ptsd (he's passed away since). My children also witnessed a dog being beaten and get ptsd. It doesn't matter how close or far we are from being bystanders it can be traumatic because we have big hearts and big capacities for compassion and empathy. I'm sorry I haven't expressed this very elegantly. But I felt I did want to say something. I'm proud of you for seeking out techniques to help yourself. .....kind thought going your way from me...Jjulia

[Rio_]

Thanks, Juliaspavlov. That could be it. I'm sorry about you, your brother and your kids.