[BeagleHound]

I'm new to this forum and just happen to stumble upon it through Google...
Some background, I'm 34 married with a 5 year old. Life as I knew it was pretty easy going, I worked traveled and had a happy marriage... About a year after my son was born (he hardly slept the first year ... Which obviously neither did we) the nightmares started ... Which turned out to be flashbacks... Flashbacks that I had no idea what the hell they were, when they were or even if they were real at first. The nights went by and more and more flashbacks and nightmares... As if a movie was playing out continuously where I had left off the night before.

Anxiety kicked in on a daily basis and also a fear of people ... I didn't know what was happening, up until this point I was functional and "normal" so to speak.

Last year it got so bad I could no longer function at my job of 10 years and voluntarily took a lesser paying job in another dept. as to avoid stressful situations and Having to interact with people.

It got to the point where I started questioning my brothers and sisters ... Sure enough the visions I had were true and did happen. We were all molested, sold for child pornagraphy, sold for sex and also abused and drugged By our father..

The odd thing is, up until this "awakening"... We were all close to our parents (breakast together on Sundays, travelng together on vacations and such) ... All of those years and I didn't remember a thing. It was never brought up... No apology nothing. They went along as did my brothers (they were also predators) as if nothing ever happened. Odd thing is my parents are good people today ... Yet, I won't allow them tp babysit my son (is that so wrong ? )

Now i'm living life in a job That i never really intended on doing... In fear, afraid, amxious, alone, on edge and depressed all balled up in one.

How do you beat this ptsd stuff ? Its going on 3 years and not showing any signs of letting go of its grip. I really think it's starting to affect my parenting skills and also my marriage.

(Sorry for the long 1st post) I just really need some guidance and also a place to Vent.

[Open Eyes]

Hi Beaglehound, welcome to PC and the PTSD forum. Have you reached out for therapy with a "PTSD/trauma specialist"?

It sounds like something triggered you to remember all these events, and from what I have read, sometimes that can get triggered when someone has a child of their own and that child is near the age when they began to experience trauma themselves.

Often, what can happen is that when we have our own child, we begin to relate to that child based on our "own" childhood on a deep subconscious level. I have read, even been told by a therapist how this is not unusual where a person can wall off trauma and then something can trigger it to come forward like you are describing. Sometimes a woman and even a father can get triggered when their own child gets to the age when they themselves experienced trauma and they suddenly begin having these anxieties and memories that totally confuse them. Why now? is a common question and the parent doesn't even consciously recognize the connection this sudden onset has in common with their own child and how that connected on such a deep subconscious level.

Part of how we parent that we don't realize is actually based on what we ourselves experienced as a child, it's a subconscious part that we tap onto and actually, this is the same thing that a lot of mammels do as well, even birds do this as they return to where they themselves were born to have their own offspring.

I am sorry that you are suddenly experiencing these memories that you genuinely did not realize you experienced. Please know that whatever you "did" experience you survived, was not your fault, doesn't mean you are damaged or bad. But, you will have strong desires to protect your own child from ever being exposed to the things you were exposed to that hurt or endangered you. Even though you are remembering the past as if it is in the now, you can slowly work through these memories, acknowledge them and reduce the impact they are having on you that I know can be so disabling.

((Hugs)), therapy is a must so you can slowly work on reducing these intrusive experiences until you don't feel them as if they are happening "now". PATIENCE is important now.

[Skeezyks]

Hello BeagleHound: I'm sorry you are in this difficult situation. This appears to be your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Open Eyes]

I just wanted to add that if things happened to you as a child it's important you go slow and don't "magnify" the intrusive memories that you have experienced. Try not to decide more happened then did happen too. I don't want to say what you remember did not happen, only you can know that, but you don't want to further traumatize yourself and go crazy thinking you have to remember "more" then you are.

You are right in not leaving your child with your parents IMHO, I don't care "how" nice they seem to be now, what they did was very wrong and criminal and may have done so with other children you don't even know about. People that do these things can "seem" nice but they ARE sex offenders.

You are welcome to vent here as needed. No need to appologize for the length of your posts. It's good to get things out in "words" as often our memories are storred in areas of our brain that don't have language and it's helpful to put things into words so you can finally process them.

((Hugs))
OE