[aarya10]

Earlier this year, opened up about my history with CSA, bullying and physical abuse growing up to my T.

And I feel like it was pointless as all our sessions since then have been just me being reminded that "it could have been worse".

My T makes it sound like I chose to be traumatized and I'm choosing to be paranoid and anxious about certain things. And that I should be grateful things aren't worse.

However, they don't say it in a very direct and unsympathetic way. But that's pretty much been therapy since I opened up about my trauma. Sometimes I feel embarrassed talking about my emotions because someone else who's had it worse should probably be the one getting help, not me. But I don't know if that's how therapy is supposed to be and I'm just being sensitive OR if my therapist doesn't know how to deal with this.

Now I just need to make sure with you guys if that's how most T's deal with trauma?

[Luce]

NO, that is not how Ts are supposed to deal with trauma. this t is not likely to change attitude... find a new one, okay?
A t that is experienced with treating the effects of chronic trauma would never, ever say that. There are ts out there who are very experienced with this stuff and can help you heal from it. It s okay to ask about their experience in treating trauma when you call or an intake interview.

[aarya10]

Originally Posted by Luce

NO, that is not how Ts are supposed to deal with trauma. this t is not likely to change attitude... find a new one, okay?
A t that is experienced with treating the effects of chronic trauma would never, ever say that. There are ts out there who are very experienced with this stuff and can help you heal from it. It s okay to ask about their experience in treating trauma when you call or an intake interview.

Thank you. I've been thinking all this while that I was being too sensitive and that I should just take my T's advice and move on with my life, but I always end up leaving therapy feeling down and alone. But I've been seeing my T for nearly two years and I've gotten quite comfortable with them.

The thing is, my T isn't bad. They're quite sympathetic and honestly is one of the nicest therapists I've had in my life. But I can't help but feel like they're tired of hearing about my problems because it's not terrible.

Trigger warning: CSA

Today I spoke about my CSA and my T said "You've been through a lot. But remember, it could have been worse." And then proceeded to ask me how I thought it could have been worse for me. Then they said "Every time you feel this way, remember that you have many things to be grateful for. Although what you went through was horrible, it could have been worse". I felt like throwing up after hearing that but I couldn't help but feel like my T could have been right and I'm just feeling too sorry for myself to realize it.

[confusedbyself]

Originally Posted by aarya10

Thank you. I've been thinking all this while that I was being too sensitive and that I should just take my T's advice and move on with my life, but I always end up leaving therapy feeling down and alone. But I've been seeing my T for nearly two years and I've gotten quite comfortable with them.

The thing is, my T isn't bad. They're quite sympathetic and honestly is one of the nicest therapists I've had in my life. But I can't help but feel like they're tired of hearing about my problems because it's not terrible.

Trigger warning: CSA

Today I spoke about my CSA and my T said "You've been through a lot. But remember, it could have been worse." And then proceeded to ask me how I thought it could have been worse for me. Then they said "Every time you feel this way, remember that you have many things to be grateful for. Although what you went through was horrible, it could have been worse". I felt like throwing up after hearing that but I couldn't help but feel like my T could have been right and I'm just feeling too sorry for myself to realize it.

I don't usually respond to input on what I think in situations but this one I want to just day that I spent 30 years of my life 'moving on because others had worse things'.... it lost over half my life and got me nowhere. At 45 years old, I stumbled across a t accidentally that said I had issues that were never going to allow me to move on if I didn't go back and deal with them.

I won't day start you should do, but want to to know that I even thought I was doing what was right with the 'let go and move on' mentality and you sound like you can sense it isn't right fit you already... go with your gut and get help that you can feel is making a difference and don't let your life move by you waiting.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by aarya10

Earlier this year, opened up about my history with CSA, bullying and physical abuse growing up to my T.


And I feel like it was pointless as all our sessions since then have been just me being reminded that "it could have been worse".


My T makes it sound like I chose to be traumatized and I'm choosing to be paranoid and anxious about certain things. And that I should be grateful things aren't worse.


However, they don't say it in a very direct and unsympathetic way. But that's pretty much been therapy since I opened up about my trauma. Sometimes I feel embarrassed talking about my emotions because someone else who's had it worse should probably be the one getting help, not me. But I don't know if that's how therapy is supposed to be and I'm just being sensitive OR if my therapist doesn't know how to deal with this.


Now I just need to make sure with you guys if that's how most T's deal with trauma?

How did you find this therapist?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[aarya10]

Originally Posted by leomama

How did you find this therapist?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

GP recommended them. There aren't many therapists around my area.

[Wild Coyote]

Hi aarya,

I hope you can find a therapist well-trained in treating trauma.

I am sorry there are limited therapists available. I hope you will open a new search and can find someone.


WC

[BrazenApogee]

I would ask GP if there are any that have experience dealing with trauma. What this T is telling you is not ok. I have had friends react this way, ex-friends that is. Finding someone experienced and compassionate is important.

[aarya10]

Thank you so much, guys. I've stuck with my T for so long because I genuinely thought this was how trauma therapy was meant to be and I was just not strong enough to handle it. I didn't realize it was wrong.

[amandalouise]

you know at first when reading this thread I thought what the heck was this treatment provider doing by saying something like it could have been worse. then I thought more about it and realized something...

the first thing is the original posters location is not where I am so of course I can not say that this was wrong. what do I know about how Asia treats trauma...
Im in the USA not Asia. the only people that can say whether this is right or wrong is treatment providers in Asia according to Asian rules of ethics, and Asian guidelines for treating trauma victims.

the next thing I thought about was the situation itself. I dont know the ...whole...story so to speak so i dont know the context in which this was said, nor what lead up to the context of what was said. for all I know there could have been some sort of discussion around the fact that things could have been worse or better.

with out actually being there in the room witnessing the whole session I can only jump to conclusions based on an editted version of a therapy session, by that I mean what appears isnt a whole sessions worth of text, when one posts here they are paraphrasing/editting and posting only the parts of the sessions the poster wants us to read. not an audio recording of a whole session.

my point is its so easy for me to jump tot he wrong conclusion due to not having been a witness to the session nor being the posters treatment provider, nor knowing how Asian mental health system is set up...

all i can go on is ...

my own ....opinion... of whether I would want to be treated this way.
my own locations rules, ethics and treatment for trauma

based on what I can go by...I can say though to me it ....sounds...wrong if it had happened to me, I also know that sometimes treatment for trauma and many other things too is to bring the situation into logic\fact and reality rather than the emotion, because sometimes emotions can leave a person with a distorted view of their problems..

the bottom line in logic\fact and reality is that yes the problem could have been worse ...regardless of what a problem any problem is.

example say the problem is you cant find your shoes. is could be better by the shoes being in the first place you look for them, and it could have been worse because though it may take you an hour to find the shoes at least you have that pair of shoes, there are millions of people in the world that dont have shoes.

I bet in anyones life no matter what the problems are whether those problems are normal, mental or physical theres always a good side and a bad side, a better outcome and a worse outcome, life isnt this one dimensional thing where everything is neutral. whether we like it or not even in abuse\trauma there is going to be more than one side to that problem, theres going to be a good side and a worse side, and a better side.

who knows maybe this was the point that this treatment provider was trying to make. that yea the trauma happened and it could have been worse and it could have been better but this is the hand that we need to deal with kind of thing.

just my thoughts on this thread.

for actual knowing what this treatment provider meant and why it was said and whether it was right or wrong only that treatment provider can answer that therefore my suggestion is...if this continues to bother you to contact your treatment provider, they will be able to clarify why it was said and whether it violated any of your own locations rules and ethics for things your treatment provider can and cant say to you.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry your t sounds so invalidating around your struggles. It must feel so lonely going there for support and coming out feeling like you are constantly failing...

Sometimes even the best-intentioned t's just don't mesh well. With a limited pool of resources, do you think it might be worth trying to talk to t about how invalidated you feel? There's always going to be someone whose "had it worse", but that doesn't really change the fact that your history is causing you problems. Maybe ask t what their intentions are in reminding you to be grateful? Or reminding t that one can be grateful it wasn't worse and still be hurt by what it was?

If that's not something you either feel comfortable doing, or think it won't help, perhaps talking to gp about another referral might be a good idea. Current trends in competent trauma treatment (at least for the us) include validating your feelings and experiences rather than negating your response...

[strugglr]

From what i have seen, not many Ts are well trained to deal stuffs. Though they have PhD degree and all still they end up comparing, judging and invalidating. Your one seems to invalidate your feelings. Try seeing some other T and do a bit of research yourself about whether the T deals with traumas or not. Best wishes...

[Wild Coyote]

What truly matters is whether or not this therapist's style works for you.

WC

[aarya10]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

you know at first when reading this thread I thought what the heck was this treatment provider doing by saying something like it could have been worse. then I thought more about it and realized something...

the first thing is the original posters location is not where I am so of course I can not say that this was wrong. what do I know about how Asia treats trauma...
Im in the USA not Asia. the only people that can say whether this is right or wrong is treatment providers in Asia according to Asian rules of ethics, and Asian guidelines for treating trauma victims.

the next thing I thought about was the situation itself. I dont know the ...whole...story so to speak so i dont know the context in which this was said, nor what lead up to the context of what was said. for all I know there could have been some sort of discussion around the fact that things could have been worse or better.

with out actually being there in the room witnessing the whole session I can only jump to conclusions based on an editted version of a therapy session, by that I mean what appears isnt a whole sessions worth of text, when one posts here they are paraphrasing/editting and posting only the parts of the sessions the poster wants us to read. not an audio recording of a whole session.

my point is its so easy for me to jump tot he wrong conclusion due to not having been a witness to the session nor being the posters treatment provider, nor knowing how Asian mental health system is set up...

all i can go on is ...

my own ....opinion... of whether I would want to be treated this way.
my own locations rules, ethics and treatment for trauma

based on what I can go by...I can say though to me it ....sounds...wrong if it had happened to me, I also know that sometimes treatment for trauma and many other things too is to bring the situation into logic\fact and reality rather than the emotion, because sometimes emotions can leave a person with a distorted view of their problems..

the bottom line in logic\fact and reality is that yes the problem could have been worse ...regardless of what a problem any problem is.

example say the problem is you cant find your shoes. is could be better by the shoes being in the first place you look for them, and it could have been worse because though it may take you an hour to find the shoes at least you have that pair of shoes, there are millions of people in the world that dont have shoes.

I bet in anyones life no matter what the problems are whether those problems are normal, mental or physical theres always a good side and a bad side, a better outcome and a worse outcome, life isnt this one dimensional thing where everything is neutral. whether we like it or not even in abuse\trauma there is going to be more than one side to that problem, theres going to be a good side and a worse side, and a better side.

who knows maybe this was the point that this treatment provider was trying to make. that yea the trauma happened and it could have been worse and it could have been better but this is the hand that we need to deal with kind of thing.

just my thoughts on this thread.

for actual knowing what this treatment provider meant and why it was said and whether it was right or wrong only that treatment provider can answer that therefore my suggestion is...if this continues to bother you to contact your treatment provider, they will be able to clarify why it was said and whether it violated any of your own locations rules and ethics for things your treatment provider can and cant say to you.

Thanks.

Usually my T tells me this whenever I talk about how awful I feel about the trauma. It's not me who brings up the fact that it could have been worse, my T does that. Whenever I get anxious or cry or express my pain, their straight response would be to remind me that it could have been worse.

I've always considered my problems as insignificant and never brought up for the entire first year of therapy (when I was merely seeking help for my eating disorder and OCD). My T tried to extract my story out of me, which I'd always been so embarrassed to share because I was worried that they might think my problems weren't important.

When I finally found the courage to reveal the stuff that had happened to me, that's the response that I got. It's kind of like.. the reason I didn't want to talk about my trauma in the first place was because I felt like it wasn't important enough, and I was asked to share it.. just to get my worried confirmed.

For example, the other day I was talking about the physical abuse I endured and my T told me, "Some people end up dying due to physical abuse. So be grateful that you didn't" but in a more "therapist" way. My response was that I wish I had died lol.

Maybe I should just quit therapy altogether. I don't know I should keep trying anymore.

[aarya10]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I'm sorry your t sounds so invalidating around your struggles. It must feel so lonely going there for support and coming out feeling like you are constantly failing...

Sometimes even the best-intentioned t's just don't mesh well. With a limited pool of resources, do you think it might be worth trying to talk to t about how invalidated you feel? There's always going to be someone whose "had it worse", but that doesn't really change the fact that your history is causing you problems. Maybe ask t what their intentions are in reminding you to be grateful? Or reminding t that one can be grateful it wasn't worse and still be hurt by what it was?

If that's not something you either feel comfortable doing, or think it won't help, perhaps talking to gp about another referral might be a good idea. Current trends in competent trauma treatment (at least for the us) include validating your feelings and experiences rather than negating your response...

Thank you!

I don't think I'm brave enough to talk about this to my therapist. I already feel like they think my problems aren't bad, telling them this would make me feel more self-conscious and embarrassed.

I've been to various therapists and I've not had any luck. My father would kill me if I were to switch to a different T. There's no way I can deal with this but to just accept that at least I have someone to vent to. Either that, or I quit altogether and deal with things myself.

I really don't know what to do, I feel so stuck. I wish the MH system here were better.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

There are so many Ts out there who all specialize in different issues and have different views and approaches.. Bottom line: if it's not working for you...seek a new T.
Yes sometimes we need to hear and learn things we don't like but it should still feel like it is coming from a place of understanding validation and compassion..
. It's your $, your time, your health, and your life...and there are enough cold invalidating ppl we all have to deal w/ everyday...ur T should not be one.

[aarya10]

Originally Posted by Lost_in_the_woods

There are so many Ts out there who all specialize in different issues and have different views and approaches.. Bottom line: if it's not working for you...seek a new T.
Yes sometimes we need to hear and learn things we don't like but it should still feel like it is coming from a place of understanding validation and compassion..
. It's your $, your time, your health, and your life...and there are enough cold invalidating ppl we all have to deal w/ everyday...ur T should not be one.

I've seen multiple therapists before this. There aren't that many anyway, where I'm from. My father is terrifying and if I were to switch to a different one, he'd get so so angry. This is the only therapist who has helped me so far, everyone else didn't even know what they were doing.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by aarya10

I've seen multiple therapists before this. There aren't that many anyway, where I'm from. My father is terrifying and if I were to switch to a different one, he'd get so so angry. This is the only therapist who has helped me so far, everyone else didn't even know what they were doing.

Is he paying for it?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[aarya10]

Originally Posted by leomama

Is he paying for it?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

He is. It's a very long story but I don't work.

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry you find your father terrifying.

[BrazenApogee]

Talk to your GP. Explain everything, including the terrifying father. GP may help.

[88Butterfly88]

Originally Posted by aarya10

Earlier this year, opened up about my history with CSA, bullying and physical abuse growing up to my T.

And I feel like it was pointless as all our sessions since then have been just me being reminded that "it could have been worse".

My T makes it sound like I chose to be traumatized and I'm choosing to be paranoid and anxious about certain things. And that I should be grateful things aren't worse.

However, they don't say it in a very direct and unsympathetic way. But that's pretty much been therapy since I opened up about my trauma. Sometimes I feel embarrassed talking about my emotions because someone else who's had it worse should probably be the one getting help, not me. But I don't know if that's how therapy is supposed to be and I'm just being sensitive OR if my therapist doesn't know how to deal with this.

Now I just need to make sure with you guys if that's how most T's deal with trauma?

I've had multiple ts for trauma and no, that is not how it is supposed to be dealt with. So sorry to hear t treated you like that. I hope you can find a better t soon.

[Eleora]

Unfortunately, therapists are all qualified differently based on state or local requirements and thus don't necessarily receive the level of education and training that you would expect; and it sounds like your therapist may be lacking in part of their education or training.

They should not be trying to minimize what you went through, particularly if you are just opening up about it.

Have you told your therapist that this sort of attitude bothers you? Maybe being honest about how your therapist is making you feel would make the therapist realize they are not choosing the best route for therapy sessions?