[Silent_Tears_17]

I am 21 now and Im medicated such that I am stable. I have been in PHPs and inpatient but now I am doing ok. I have a great job and just got a promotion. I have to put this all behind me and take my pills and it can all be over.
Until - wham! The littlest thing hits and you're not.
I really have been doing ok but then I found out a few days ago that I had to have my first pap smear. and I asked to postpone it to bring a friend with me but there is a super high likely hood she wont show. Its in two or three weeks but my anxiety is getting so high. I am having trouble sleeping and am jittery. I am more volatile and defensive.
I know, with my past, that there will be little to no difference with how I react to this than how I act to an assault. And my family denies any of that even happened so I cant go to them for support. And I cant go to like anyone else because I cant have my parents finding out.
I havent been cutting for like 6+ months. I have been stable. I have been functioning. Not great, but ok. And I am so scared that this will just spiral me as it already has begun to. And I cant get the words out in counseling. I am embarrassed and ashamed. I feel so many things. She may not judge me but I am judging myself and I want those words buried deep down and far away.

My supports are like tooth picks and they come in and out like the tide. Im struggling. I dont want to admit it. I dont want to tell anyone. But I am scared. I have built so many amazing things up in my life and I dont want to sabotage it all and ruin what I have done....

[Open Eyes]

You are 21 now so you are an adult and you don't have to tell your parents about this. I recommend that you find a woman gynocologist and perhaps meet with her to explain how very difficult it is for you because of what you experienced.

If you are struggling so much about this it may be better if you postpone it for a year even, until you can find a way to at least feel more comfortable with perhaps a woman gyno. A pap smear is to make sure you are healthy and it's a very quick procedure.

[DechanDawa]

I hope you will be okay. It sounds like you have been doing great. I am not doing so well myself right now and you inspire me. I am older but I have been putting off a pap smear. You know...it is ridiculous because the procedure is 1) not that long and 2) not that uncomfortable, and 3) for your health. Maybe both of us can work up to just getting it done. It is just one more adult thing in life.

A big congratulations to you for not self-harming in 6+ months. I hope you realize what a wonderful thing this is. I don't know you and yet I am so happy for you.

You cannot imagine how lucky you are to have a great job. That is all I want in life right now. And a promotion! It is icing on your cake. Congratulations.

Please don't sabotage yourself. Stay strong. You sound like you're doing great.

The pap smear isn't pleasant but nor is it really that painful. The equivalent of touching your nose. Just think of it like that. I will too. Please ask for the support of your health care providers.

Best of everything.

[Jane_Friday]

There is no medical reason that you need to have a pap text at all costs. Sure gynaecologists want you to do it, because first it is really a good indicator for a lot of things and 2. they earn money with it.

But unless there is a reason to have that test, like you suspect having contracted something or have symptoms, you don't need it at all costs. In your case it sounds the costs for this mere precaution is to high.

[Wander]

Can you write down what you feel and what is happening and give that to your councillor? Some people find that helps to get the ball rolling. At your age pap-smears don't need to be urgent (unless you have issues that require it or just want to know for peace of mind). I agree getting a female doctor doing it helps too. I hate pap smears too and am way overdue for one (Im 40). Sorry you feel you are close to spiralling. Hope your counsellor can help with this. Do you see a psychiatrist? they can help too.