[aloneinmusic]

I mean, other than seeing a doctor... because I'm really not wanting to get help of any sort at the moment. :\

But is there a defining feature or aspect to it? How can you really know?

Thing is, I don't get 'flashbacks' or nightmares or anything. I get occasional stress dreams but pretty rare. And I don't even know what a flashback truly is tbh so I don't think I'm getting any.

I've been questioning though on some level ever since 'the event' happened. At the beginning I thought I was just getting paranoid due to the fact I already was mentally ill and so I told myself to stop trying to give myself more problems or something. So I just forgot about it.

But as time moves on, I don't think of it all the time, but if a trigger comes up I get more and more sensitive and afraid. My life is on pause, it's like I'm 16 still and I'm 19 nearly 20. Because I have an eating disorder which is always at the forefront of my mind I suppose that's the distraction. But when I'm not thinking of food and all that, it's pretty much the past that starts sucking me up, and it always feels like it's there a little bit in the back of my mind waiting to torment me.

Lately it was the 3 year anniversary of the event. This time of year is difficult for this reason and it just brought it all back. My dad was wearing his cap which I find upsetting because that's what he wore that night. Certain tones of voices and phrases can bring it all back. But because I'm always at home, I don't notice it all the time, but there is always a feeling of fear and anxiety whenever he's around and I definitely wouldn't say I feel safe at home, even though I'm not exactly in danger.

I tried talking to my mum and it took multiple goes to actually say which event I was referring to. And when I talked about it I felt guilty, shameful, like I've just talked about something 'taboo' that I'm not allowed to talk about and I started getting palpitations and random tears forming. Not crying, just the odd tear leaking from my eye. I couldn't really control it I was just scared.

Me and my dad have had so many arguments I can't count, but this one always always stays with me, and I just can't push it away.

I know I've said a lot but I still don't know if what I'm going through is something more than just natural anxiety after a scary event. I just sort of want some answers from people who understand PTSD and can educate me on what could be happening..?

[PumpkinPieHead]

Have you viewed a list of the symptoms of PTSD and compared yourself to them?

For me, it was an article in a magazine about someone who had PTSD who made me realize that I had it. Our stories and the aftermath were so similar, it was eerie. Here is the article if you are interested: A Child of 9/11 Grows Up | Glamour

[aloneinmusic]

Originally Posted by PumpkinPieHead

Have you viewed a list of the symptoms of PTSD and compared yourself to them?

For me, it was an article in a magazine about someone who had PTSD who made me realize that I had it. Our stories and the aftermath were so similar, it was eerie. Here is the article if you are interested: A Child of 9/11 Grows Up | Glamour

That's really interesting. My experience is nothing like this one, mine is due to a physical assault. But there a couple things that hit home a little bit.

I just remember I had this thought when I looked into his eyes- "I'm going to die". It was an irrational thought, but the situation was so irrational that it felt real. It's always that moment, and the moment I looked in his eyes, that stay with me.

I always get a slight feeling of fear and dread whenever I hear him walking around the house or if he's wearing the same clothes or something. But maybe it's not so bad right now because I'm exposed to it all the time. If I left home, I imagine I would probably try not to contact my dad, even though we supposedly have a better relationship now.

[Quarter life]

Dear aloneinmusic.

Our family and particularly our parents are meant to be supportive and encourage us in our endeavours. When our family environment causes us anxiety, fear or dread it is no longer a healthy place to be. As you are only 20 years old, your family environment is all you have known thus far...however the world is a very big place. Finding a life outside of your family unit will undoubtedly help you to form trusting loving friendships with good people, and enable you to work toward building a strong support network where your feelings and choices are valued and you can create a life for yourself.

Family or not, if someone has abused hurt or minimised you...then you get to choose where they belong in your life...and whether there is a place for them at all. Seeking some counselling would most surely help you to put memories and feelings into their proper place, and assist you in feeling confident & comfortable in your choices.

Ultimately it is ‘you’ who gets to choose which steps to take to feel safe and valued in both body & mind.

Be kind to yourself aloneinmusic