[MtnTime2896]

I didn't understand what had happened to me for a long time. I always knew that something "not so right" transpired. I know how scared I was and I willingly pushed it back into the far corners of my mind. Honestly, I even "forgot" about it. The memories came at me in waves after something hit me that reminded me of said event(s). The dots never connected until I was already nineteen. Well after the first time I had sex; which admittedly brought it up behind a two way mirror in my head, but was quickly pushed aside. I think it was going to come back to bite me no matter what, I simply stalled the process. By the time I came into full realization, I was already spiraling downward into panic attack after panic attack. I kept seeing it, over and over again whether it'd be awake or asleep, I just kept seeing it. All I knew was that I was terrified. The school counselor called in another counselor who was more qualified to handle me, as I paced back and forth in her room crying and begging her to make it stop. Eventually, I wore myself out and fell asleep. To no avail, I had the images keep coming then, like a puzzle just being pieced together. When I awoke, the other counselor was there for me and took me into another room. After asking me questions, she explained what was happening to me and that I wasn't "crazy", like I was convinced I was. Hell, maybe I wanted to be, just so that it wouldn't be real. She told me, it was very likely I was suffering from post-traumatic stress.

I can tell you all this. I can type this, though this is pushing it ever so slightly. See, I can accept the PTSD diagnoses because there's no way I can deny it. Yet, I find myself incapable of breathing the words of what happened to me. I can accept the diagnoses but am barely coming to grips with what it's main origin is. The event(s) that made the diagnoses so. Hell, I can't even say the word.

I think I'm just reaching out here, for someone who gets it. I also want to add: Please, please don't ask questions about what the event(s) was or why I keep adding an "s" in parenthesis. If you reply just don't ask me to talk about it. I'm not ready for it.

I totally get it and understand.

Hugs to you.

[Open Eyes]

What helps in reducing the strenth of the flashback is acknowledging that something happened and reminding yourself that you are ok/safe "now".
A trapped trauma memory is not meant to harm you or have you feel frightened or guilty.

When I experienced this I was VERY confused too.

[babkababy]

I get it. I'm so sorry isn't enough Did you get better? Anything able to help you feel better? Are you able to write about that part?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by babkababy

I get it. I'm so sorry isn't enough Did you get better? Anything able to help you feel better? Are you able to write about that part?

I'm not better and it's only gotten worse. I'm going to begin trauma therapy as soon as my BP is stabilized to work on it. Only thing I've gotten better at is managing and coping. Even then, it's still not better. What helps is being around people I trust and feel safe with which consists of my fiance and a few friends and my mom. I have to sleep in my house in order to feel okay enough to sleep and I constantly remind myself that I'm safe.

[babkababy]

Why has it gotten worse for you?

It's really easy to change your bp. I have to imagine that your endocrine gland system is down from the trauma. I've been working for at least a year to rebuild mine. I've had some success by taking bovine glandulars. I've had my fair share of PTSD for different reasons throughout my life. There was a season, about 5 years ago, that I was very frightened for good reason. I just couldn't shut down the hypervigilance. A friend, who does muscle testing, helped me. I just remember that back then I took a couple of bottles of hypothalamus glandular and it worked. My "paranoid" feelings went away.

This past year I've been working on other glands. I'm 48 yo so I've about burned out my adrenal glands but I'm doing much better. The parathyroid glands control depression. I just finished taking a bottle of parathyroid and am using an herbal formua at present. I had a couple of low days earlier in the week while switching but I'm not depressed. It's a natural approach.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by babkababy

Why has it gotten worse for you?

It's been virtually untreated for years. I don't have a grip over the pain it's cause or the symptoms. I just know how to identify and deal with each passing episode.