[Butterfly_Faerie]

The Affects Of Healing
Article By: Patrick

Healing can affect us all in different ways, but here are a few common things you may experience or question during healing.

<font color=purple>Take a break at any time.</font color=purple>

<font color=purple>Anger at the realization of what was done to you.</font color=purple>

Dealing with anger can be a hard task in itself. I feel that many survivors direct their anger in an unproductive way. Okay, that sounds a little harsh, but nevertheless true. By non-productive, I mean venting your anger at others without realizing why. I guess we have all done it - shouting at a loved one, venting our anger at them because we feel down. So how can we avoid this? Well, another thing I use is a remote control in my head, which I put on pause before I speak. Okay, it doesn't work every time but I feel by venting my anger at others it's the person that hurt me who is now hurting my loved ones through me. It is their fault I am angry at my issues. Okay, there will be times when you're shouting at someone for a good reason, because of what that person has done or said. This brings me to my next point.

<font color=purple>The weakest link</font color=purple>

You may have people in your life that just don't or won't understand you. That's fine, however this does not stop them from supporting you, being there for you and trying to help you. Just an ear at times is all you need. However, if you have someone in your life that's continually getting you down, being abusive or telling you just to forget what happened, then you need to tell them, "You are the weakest link - goodbye." (Or for them to change their ways.) You need to feel loved and to be positive about you, and the people around you need to understand what you're trying to achieve.

<font color=purple>Abusive relationships</font color=purple>

Many survivors end up in abusive relationships where they may feel that abuse is common and they don't deserve better. You do deserve better and you can get a better partner in your life. Someone to love you for who you are and not an object.

<font color=purple>Did the abuse make me gay?</font color=purple>

I feel this question comes from gay men more than gay women. There is no evidence that sexual abuse or rape has anything to do with your sexuality. Men who are abused and raped by other men often become homophobic because they feel only a man would do this. Well, I would say in 90% of cases the abusers are heterosexual - not gay or bisexual.

Abuse and rape is about power, the power over another person. The abuser hurts the victim for their own gratification, and because the victim gets the hurt and pain either at the time or later in life, the abuser gets gratification. Mentally, sexually or both.

<font color=purple>I am ashamed because I enjoyed some of what happened.</font color=purple>

This is common and not many survivors will ever talk about that side of things. They have guilt because they went to the person's home knowing what would happen or lay in bed waiting knowing what was going to happen. Their abuser tells them/persuades them to do things and they do it without question. There are many reasons why you enjoyed parts of what happened and for many that will have been their first experience of anything sexual. If you're male and feel guilty because you had an erection during the abuse or even ejaculated, please know that this is common. Remember the abuser had the power and he/she knew how to use that and how to manipulate your mind, no matter how old you were.

Pointing out a victim's physical arousal or forcing the victim to say that they enjoyed the abuse is a common tactic of abusers, in order to help them ensure the victim's silence and increase their power and hold over the victim. But physical arousal is the body's natural response to certain stimuli. It is how we are made by nature to ensure that we carry on making babies to propagate the species.

<font color=purple>He took my virginity.</font color=purple>

This is often an issue for female survivors, I have never had a male tell me this. I feel your virginity is yours to give away freely to the person you want to make love to. It cannot be stolen, because it was not offered in love and consent. This is totally my view because I feel as a man that making love is important and that having sex is just something that anyone can do.

<font color=purple>Can I take time out from healing?</font color=purple>

Sure you can. Healing in time can be fun and a part of healing is to have fun and laugh. You have no need to feel down all the time. You can be positive about your achievements and celebrate them.

<font color=purple>What happens if I can't handle it?</font color=purple>

Get support wherever you can. Talk to people, visit people you like and trust. Never fear asking for help. If you see healing like walking in the snow, at times you may only see one set of footprints. That's not because you're alone, it's because someone has carried you, someone who has helped you on your healing journey.

I lost my faith in my god

Sometimes for many reasons you may feel that your religion or god has left you, that no one really cares on this earth or above. If your faith is important to you, then as you heal you will get stronger, but I feel that having faith in you as a person will give you the strength to have faith in what you want in your life.

Why me?

I feel all survivors ask this question. It has a lot to do with, "It was my fault because I did something wrong." No you didn't, you are a victim of the person/s that hurt you. They chose you, they targeted you, not the other way around. It's their fault 100%.

<font color=red>Website:</font color=red>

http://www.safehaven-uk.org/aftermath/effects.shtml

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[dalila]

Thank you sundance this article touched on a lot things that my therapist has been telling me and it was really good to have an outside party confirm it.

I am just starting to feel the anger at my abusers. I locked so much of it up that I couldn't feel anything emotional but fear and shame. The anger is so scary but for now is coming in short bursts so I am dealing.

Do you have any suggestions for dealing with the anger? If I had a plan I think I wouldn't be so afraid to feel it.

~Dalila

Thank you for sharing this information with us; you always send your friends the very best; kind of like a Hallmark card.
Love,
Jon

KICK THE CABLE HABIT!!! http://www.vmcsatellite.com/?aid=84152

[(JD)]

Sundance, these scripts you post are exactly the type of information I keep saying we should do on directed chats!

If you could hold a regular chat time/night... then direct it... and take each item by item and then take comments... I think it would help so many ppl.

I have tried to explain and promote this to DocJohn, but maybe he just doesn't hear when it's only from one person... and he isn't familiar with what I'm trying to convey?

what do you think?

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[Butterfly_Faerie]

Anger Triggers
It's important to notice the signals our body gives us when we start to feel angr y. If we can catch these signals we have a much better chance of gaining control of our anger before we hurt ourselves or someone else.
What are your anger triggers?

External Triggers are what happens to us, like when someone lies or puts us down
Internal Triggers are the messages we give ourselves, "self-talk," that get us all worked up. They are sometimes based on assumptions or incorrect information.

The Anger Iceberg
Try this anger awareness exercise and see if it helps you understand this complicated emotion.

Suggestion
1. Draw an iceberg on a piece of paper like the example below. Label the tip: "anger."
2. Think about a situation in which you felt angry.
3. Write what you did with your anger in the space above the water line.
4. See the "Taking Action" section on the other side of this sheet. What behaviour choices did you make to deal with your anger? What happened as a result?
5. Since anger is a secondary emotion, what were the underlying feeling(s)? Write them beneath the tip.
6. Was the problem solved OK? Do you still need to tell the people involved how y ou felt?
7. Evaluate your choices. What might have happened if you had chosen an assertive response to deal with your anger?

"I" Statements
Learning to talk about how an experience affects us can be a challenge. Using the following "I" statement formula might help you to communicate clearly what's goin g on.

I feel _______________________ when you _________________________________, and I need you to ________________________.

Example: Jim tells a racist or sexist joke.

Option 1: "What an idiot, go get a life!"
Option 2: "I feel offended when I hear sexist jokes and I don't want to hear anym ore."
Which response is constructive?
How could this work for other situations: sexual harassment, bullying, etc.?

THREE Behaviour Choices
1. AGGRESSIVE: Anger is expressed either physically, emotionally or psychologically. The result is that someone else is hurt.

Behaviour choices: Hitting, kicking, harassment, using put-downs, threats, murder
Message to myself: My anger is not OK so I am going to take it out on someone else. I will blame them for my anger because I am uncomfortable with my own feelings.

2. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE: Anger is repressed by internalizing and denying.

Behaviour choices: Cold shoulder, revenge, nasty rumours, depression. (Depression is defined as anger turned inwards.) Bottled up, it can eventually blow up.
Message to myself: My anger is not OK so I will deny it. I am afraid of my feelings.

3. ASSERTIVE:
A. Anger is expressed directly in non-threatening ways that do not hurt
a. ) yourself,
b. ) another person or
c. ) someone's property.
B. Anger is suppressed (Not repressed). Acknowledge the feeling and decide to deal with the situation at a more appropriate time in the near future (e.g., after s with your own feelings and to deal with them without hurting anyone. There is no such thing as bad anger or good anger. There are only choices as to how you deal with anger. You can either reject and harm others or accept and respect others and yportant part of who I am .

Anger: The Second Emotion
Anger is actually a secondary emotion. The real challenge is to get in touch with the primary emotion(s) that are at the heart of the matter (i.e., under the tip o f the anger iceberg). Only then can the problem be dealt with in healthy and assertive ways.

Nobody "makes" you angry. In any situation you have the power to choose and the ability to get in touch with your own feelings and to deal with them without hurting anyone. There is no such thing as bad anger or good anger. There are only choices as to how you deal with anger. You can either reject and harm others or accept and respect others and yourself.

You could try that? If it's something that you don't feel will help you let me know and i'll try to find something else.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[Butterfly_Faerie]

I'm glad you guys are liking what I post, I hope it's helpful.

((((((Everyone))))))

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[Butterfly_Faerie]

Skybark

I don't mind bring something up for chat with docjohn, i'm not sure what you mean by "hold a regular chat time/night... then direct it... and take each item by item and then take comments..."

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[dalila]

My problem is that I suppressed all anger for many years. I just started to feel it in the last couple of years and at first i was overwhelmed by it and scared to let it out. I have all this negative emotion stored up and I am fairly clueless as to how to release it in healthy ways. After my last therapy session i felt indignant that this person had done that to me when i was a tiny girl. I felt angry but I couldn't endure the emotion for long -- feeling anger at my abusers triggers panicky feelings for me. I am tolerating the feelings a little better each time, but I would rather bury them than deal with them. But I also know I have to find a way to release the old angers or else I will back to carving on myself. Finding safe appropiate ways to release that anger is my current goal.

~dalila

[Butterfly_Faerie]

Dalila

I hope that some of the stuff I wrote down for you helps you.

Have you thought about writting it all out on paper, that can be a good release sometimes.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>