Attachment to therapist before trusting (Potential trauma bond)

Hi PTSD community,

I have been hurt badly in therapy. Now I have PTSD.

Since then I have been re-traumatized. I have had progression and regression in my pursuit of help and sharing my trauma...

I have lost faith in humanity and I want it back. I have lived in the scary dark world for too long and I don't want to stay there. Ultimately I need therapy in order to move forward but that requires me to go back into a very dangerous setting. I have avoided going to a long-term therapist 1 on 1 for quite some time, however, I have made major efforts to battle the fear of the 'professional' mental health community, by going to drop-in style therapy and even to psych-emergency... There were bad experiences and good experiences. I feel like I have made SOME progress, albeit, all it takes to ruin it is another unethical or fallible human being to hurt me.

I want to rewire my brain to trust, but the fear is very logical and it is really tough to intellectualize myself out of fear when it has happened more than once in real life. The healthcare industry is extremely corrupt, unethical and broken. That is a fact, not an opinion, so this makes it even harder to trust humans.

Here is my question.

I am seeing a new therapist and I am struggling with fear and triggers and red flags and all kinds of ruminations. I am very self-aware, so I am able to recognize these thoughts / feelings inside of me and challenge them, however, I am afraid that challenging them could get me hurt even worse... (Letting my guard down makes me vulnerable)

Going through this trauma has made life very lonely and isolating. I am finding it hard NOT to attach to my new therapist despite all the trauma in therapy, and this makes me especially vulnerable. I have been stuck in a trauma bond multiple times in the past (including to the healthcare professionals that hurt me in the past) and I don't want to be in one again. How can I know when the situation is SAFE, and how can I know when the situation is UNSAFE and how do I know when I am right to leave or stay? It is SO frustrating. Last week I got triggered by my therapist and spent the weekend teeter-doddering about quitting therapy! It was absolutely mind boggling how my mind was working overtime and so exhausting.

If she hurts me I don't think I will ever trust another human being, or perhaps I am already there; only time will tell if I can actually open up fully and trust my new Therapist.

How do I deal with this situation? I have never been good at it and always seem to get hurt.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

I can relate to much of this

I think that any "destructive criticism" from healthcare "professionals" is completely unacceptable. As some are unfortunately corrupt, they may "wait" until the "patient" is "attached" before they reveal who/what they are or perhaps they "wait" until they get "bored" . I can only hope such are in the minority

I'm not sure how to deal with it

Record sessions? Run at any hint of abuse even though there is attachment

Thank you (((Fuzzy.))) It helps to know I am not alone, although, it angers me to know you also went through this stuff. I feel so vulnerable fuzzy bear... So little. I am scared.

Thank you (((((Fuzzybear))))).

I wish I had answers, I'm pretty much dealing with the same thing except I do not and never really have been able to bond with these professionals.....the trust just isn't there to allow it. I've been hurt so many times.....people can be so ugly and I don't understand why. I try to understand people, to give them the benefit of the doubt but I'm burned every time. There are good people out there, I know there are but I struggle to find them. There are good doctors out there, but not many. I'm sorry you struggle.....I wish there was a solution to this. Maybe there is.....maybe the trick is to just keep trying. (((Hugs)))

(((ElsaMars)))

It hurts to know we have similar experiences at the hands of our fellow humans... It breaks my little heart. I have been frustrated with so many things since these 'professionals' chose to hurt me in the worst possible way. I kept asking why, why me, and how could they do these things? How could they live with themselves?! A therapist outside the situation said I will never have answers to these questions because I am a good person and I am incapable of doing the same things to others... It makes sense. But it still drives me NUTS.

I am just so FED up with giving people second, third, fourth chances (to do what is right) which should come naturally without even thinking. I am talking about my family and friends and people I trusted, like therapists and healthcare professionals who have the privilege of power imbalance and seeing us at our most vulnerable, yet instead of helping, choose to harm... And not by mistake, it is malicious and it gives them a sense of satisfaction to see us suffer... I mean how many people are there like this on earth!? I am starting to think FAR more than we realize.

I have absolutely lost faith in humanity. But I don't want to spend my entire life living in the illusion that there are NO good humans left... I know there are. But if every-time I claw myself out of my cave and go out into the world only to be met with the same patterns and victimization, why would I even try?

I think there is more to this re-victimization than we realize... I have heard that trauma survivors can become stuck in a pattern of being re-victimized wherever they go and I can see the merit in that notion now: it is true. I am stuck in it too and I am SO sick and tired of it.

How do we break this cycle?!

Thanks,
HD7970ghz