[mythrider]

Sometimes I think I’m better because rape feels like a distant past. Then all of the sudden out of nowhere, I’ll start to want to “tell my story.” It’s weird though because it feels real when I think about it then. It’s hard to describe but it takes me a few minutes to realize I’m having a flashback and have to calm down.

My rapes were 4 years ago. Thing is, I have complex ptsd so the domestic violence is just one of my few traumas I’ve experienced. Sometimes I want to forget, but I know I need to remember. I don’t know I guess I’m just sick of flashbacks. I want to be better, but it’s hard. I’ve gone through child emotional abuse, chronic illness, bullying and rape but the rape is the most persistent flashback and nightmares in my daily life. I probably won’t ever be fully healed from ptsd. I’ve accepted that, but I don’t know it just bothers me.

Anyone else with complex ptsd understand the wanting to feel better when you know you probably won’t ever truly be better?

[Shazerac]

sorry you are suffering from flashbacks. I think anyone who has suffered severe trauma feels like it will always feel bad. And that you will never recover.

I can't tell you that you will forget. I didn't. But I've let it go to the past. It is possible to heal. The flashbacks lessen on intensity.

Mostly I am ok now and live a happy mostly normal life. But occasionally get triggered. My husband knows what happened to me and never deliberately sneaks up on me and say boo!, or surprises me in the shower. We were together for 4 years before I was able to go in the bathroom and not lock the door.

Yesterday he came up behind me and kissed my neck. I didn't hear him and I was startled and screamed and elbowed him in the head. We both apologized and hugged. I felt a little shaky for a while but calmed down pretty quickly.

It does pass

[Ceara1010]

I know how you feel. I have to accept I'm going to be living with memory intrusions and flashbacks for the rest of my life. I guess I'm working on this too.

[mythrider]

Thing is, I have gotten better. I’m married now and living my life, but I guess I have depression. I feel like even at my happiest moments I’m still a tiny bit sad. I guess I feel like part of my soul died with me. My husband knew me before the rapes. He knew me as a cheery person. Maybe I need a dog - something to live for. I’m going to get a puppy next year. I’m hoping that living for something that is dependent on me will help. I’ve raised dogs, but with help. This is my first puppy on my own without my parents. Animals are the only real thing that I can truly connect to...

[mythrider]

I’m also that person that can seem perfectly fine and happy on the outside, but I’m really breaking down mentally on the inside. It shows at night when I’m home alone.

[Spangle]

Originally Posted by mythrider

I’m also that person that can seem perfectly fine and happy on the outside, but I’m really breaking down mentally on the inside. It shows at night when I’m home alone.

Yes, we all do that. Put on the ‘I’m fine’ act with a big smile on our faces. My first lot of EMDR stopped the flashbacks for me, but like you, my PTSD stays with me all the time. I still get triggered, only now though, I have better coping strategies. I too would like rid of the PTSD, but I’m also realistic enough to know that all I can really expect is to be able to manage it. I have a two year old dog who is so good for me. She gives me a reason to struggle on & is always supportive & loving. She calmed me when I did have flashbacks & she was only a little pup then. She grounds me & just touching her brings me back to the here & now.