[Typo]

I am a mess I am such a waste of space of everything

No one cares, no one understands

Everyone laughs st me I am a big fat joke. I am a train wreck

My own husband just thinks I am an overly emotional he doesn't get it he never will

Almost attempted a few eeeks ago, he didn't really understand the seriousnless of it then, he said I am always st an 11 so it's hard to tell when to take me serious. 6 years of being together, 6 years of me and my mental health, in the 6 years we have been together I haven't had a resurgence of suicidal thoughts or planning but now that it is happening he doesn't know if it is serious

Okay then

Just like everyone I ever trusted they all fail they all think I am weak and all fail to take care of me

Should have known, I should have known, nooone could protect me as a child, no one could protect me as a teen, should have known adulthood would be no different

Always shouldering others burndersn, always being strong, always being the caregiver and nobody is there when I can't take it anymore. Even st 15, even when I was injured and traumatized and had watched her die, my grandmother, I had to hold the emotional support for my family, even when I was the one who had to hear her screams and listen to her gasp and die, even though I could barely move, let alone dress myself I had to take care of my parents

No different now,

I wish I could make it stop

I wish I would go through with it, too scared I would mess that up too then I would have to live with everyone treating me like glass, everyone sad stares, everyone reeking of fear when they were around me, just like after the wreck, just like when I confided into others about the past abuse. Always s those ugly sad stares, those pitying glances, that stench of poor you,

I just want to scream and punch a tree till kynknuecklws are bloodied and bruised

I never asked to be like this, I never wanted to be this, its taken so much away from me, it keeps me so alone, it makes me ruin everything f

All I want is to be loved and cared for, all I want is someone to protect me for a change, I am so tired, I am so exhausted and it eats at me so much I feel like there is a hole in my chest in my very soul

And no one will care, No one will read this, no one would miss me if I went away, even if I just ran away

The only thing that keeps em from it is who would take care of my animals. They never did nothing wrong they don't deserve to be abandoned

[TheDragon]

I read it and I care. Message me some time.

[Raindropvampire]

I read it and I'm so sorry you've never had that protection and care you need.

Originally Posted by Typo

No one cares, no one understands

Everyone laughs st me I am a big fat joke. I am a train wreck

My own husband just thinks I am an overly emotional he doesn't get it he never will

Almost attempted a few eeeks ago, he didn't really understand the seriousnless of it then, he said I am always st an 11 so it's hard to tell when to take me serious. 6 years of being together, 6 years of me and my mental health, in the 6 years we have been together I haven't had a resurgence of suicidal thoughts or planning but now that it is happening he doesn't know if it is serious

And no one will care, No one will read this, no one would miss me if I went away, even if I just ran away

The only thing that keeps em from it is who would take care of my animals. They never did nothing wrong they don't deserve to be abandoned

I hear you--struggling like this is no joke. Almost attempting means you need help. You are describing some really dark depression--this depression is really coloring your thinking. I am glad you are at least hanging on for your animals but your husband and perhaps mom, dad, siblings may miss you more than you realize. Your husband cared enough to marry you--yes, sometimes they don't get how much pain we are in and they just get tired of listening to our emotional stuff but that doesn't mean he doesn't still care.

Are you able to see a therapist? It would help if you could talk to someone new. And people (including me) will be glad to listen here--either on this post or via private messages. Sometimes when we are hurting about something--we need to talk about it over and over and just one person to talk to is not enough. You are in a lot of pain about your grandmother and need to keep talking about it. I would love to hear about it. My maternal grandmother meant a lot to me. I would really like to hear more about your grandmother. Being with someone at the end of their life is a really tough experience and it takes a long time to come back from it. You said you were 15--how old are you now? Please keep posting. There are many understanding people here. You are not alone. I made a serious attempt in 2015 so I really understand how serious your thoughts and emotions are--they can carry us away. Please, please keep talking about it--don't keep it bottled up!!!!

[Wild Coyote]

I agree so much with "hopingtrying's" post to you.

You are in a lot of pain right now and are suffering. depression in making it even worse, playing with your mind, messing with your reasoning regarding the value of your life.

Please see a professional, if you do not. Do you see a pdoc or a T?

Please keep posting.
keep reaching out.
Be safe.

WC