[Rio_]

I posted about this as a reply in the survivors forum, but I'm starting to wonder if it's more appropriate here.

Sometimes I have these thoughts - daydreams, almost, I can't call them nightmares because I can control them - about bad things happening to me. They're mostly to do with guns (which makes me think it might be to do with PTSD), but the earliest one I can remember was about me falling on broken glass when I was in primary school...I can't remember how old I was exactly.

I hate it, and it scares me sometimes, but I do it anyway...I don't know why I don't just stop. What worries me most, though, is that all of them involve me being the centre of attention in some way - maybe that means I want these things to happen, so people will notice me? That makes me sound like a terrible person, but I really don't know why I think about things like these.

You are not a terrible person!!!

(((((((Rio))))) I'm sorry those scenes are in your mind.. that its speaking to you in some way. I offer all the attention, comfort and concern you need.

[Rio_]

(((((esthersvirtue))))) Thanks, that means a lot. I hope you're right...

[(JD)]

Oh I sincerely doubt that you are having these dreams as a way for attention. When we are the center of our dream that seems rather normal, imo, especially when you are little, you don't know how to look through another's eyes then anyway...the whole world is all about you!

I can control many of my dreams (lucid dreaming) but that doesn't mean that the ones that relate to my accident aren't bad memories and the like. I do really well with flashbacks these days, as compared to the first 18 years but they are still from the PTSD from the accident... you get what I'm saying?

I think questioning why is very normal also, and denying that they are connected is too, imo. What might also concern you is when you realize other dreams that you thought had no connection whatsoever, are also part and parcel of the traumas. It's ok, though... just another way your brain/mind is trying to file those memories away properly.

TC

[CedarS]

I agree with what folks have already posted and I have an idea to add that has worked for me. Sometimes it really works for me to notice the thoughts, tell myself something like "Oh there that is again", and then practice distracting myself by doing something else.

Also I've noticed that sometimes, not always, I have thoughts like those or other uncomfortable ones especially when I need to eat, get more sleep, walk away from stress, or do other nurturing things for myself.

[Rio_]

Thanks, Sky. I guess that's true!

That's great you're doing so much better with flashbacks. And yep, I think I do get what you're saying.

That's a good point. That's good it's normal, though.

[Rio_]

Thanks, CedarS. That's a good idea! I haven't really noticed when these thoughts come, actually, I'll have to pay more attention next time.

[Soidhonia]

Hello (((RIO))). I think what Sky said has alot of merit, but I also feel that you are trying to bring closure into the situations that have brought you the PTSD. Replaying the incident is very normal part of life when someone has PTSD. The thoughts are probably being provoked because you have no closure on the incident and it still scares you in some manner because the closure to the incident did not include the closure necessary to bring comfort and stability to you feeling safe. (Sorry you can blame Sigmund Freud for the comparatives) LOL. Anyway you will possibly and probably focus mentally on the events that have not been closed and brought assurity to your well being. Possibly journaling and getting the words on paper may help you to see that you no longer have to deal with Creating the closure necessary to feel safe and replay the incident until you feel safe and secure. This is called Acknowledgement Journaling. Acknowledgement Journaling creates a Barrier and a safety net to the replaying of the outcome of a traumatic event, so that you can see that rationally you are safe and can move on because you dont have to recreate the closure to feel safe and secure. You can see in black and white through writing that you can be safe because you got through the episode and that in reality you can get through another event if it happens, therefore sickness and other events that may leave lasting impressions of PTSD and Anxiety or Panic are reduced in time through realizing that you can persevere and get through trauma you may experience in life. I hope the best for you I feel that if you do choose to Journal you will be able to move forward in time (witht he help of your therapist) if you are just honest with yourself that what happened int he past still affectsf your life today, and will affect your life until you get some acknowledgement that you are still hurt and feel that the events in the past are still holding you back in recovering. Your therapist is a very valuable tool in rediscovering new ways to react to trauma. Please use your therapist in the manner in which is needed and I feel you will do well with the therapist available at this time. Take care (((RIO))). Soidhonia

[Rio_]

(((Soidhonia ))) Thanks. Sorry if I wasn't clear - I'm not actually replaying the event, these thoughts are about things that are sometimes related, but sometimes don't seem to have any connection. Thanks for telling me about Acknowledgement Journaling, though!

[(JD)]

I agree with Soidhonia. Writing what you recall down helps to remember it the next time, and eventually you have strong clues to work with. For instance, I was having flashbacks due to my accident, but I didn't recall them. I didn't even know I was having them, actually. But I began to write down any time I realized a glitch in my day (usually while driving in the rain.) I noted that I was driving, where I was, and if it was - raining. Each time I felt a different thought and noted it, it added to my picture. Before long, I not only knew I was flashing back, but now I know what types of things cause that, and guard against it.

The same with dreaming for me. Yes, the journaling can also tell your brain, Hey! I got what you were trying to tell me! And it, and you, move on to another point.

Go slowly though. Dragging memories out when you aren't ready can cause you to be retraumatized. As Soidhonia said, work with your T on this. Going slower can make therapy progress faster.

[Rio_]

Thanks, Sky. These aren't memories, though - sometimes they have some connection, but they definitely didn't happen. They're more "what-if"s, really. But they can still be pretty scary.

That's great journaling worked so well for you!

That's very true. I'm not in therapy any more, though.

[Perna]

I treat a lot of my fantasies and daydreams like I do my night dream and assume I'm creating them to help me in some way. Sometimes, for me, imagining bad things is like a "base" to support me; I live through what I imagine and the only way to go is "up" to where things are better. It is a little "comforting" and familiar because at the same time I know they're fantasies and not "real."

A lot of my fantasies are opposite to what really happens (rescuing others I love) or "practice" in case bad things do keep happening. But I know they're just "stories" I tell myself and ways my unconscious is trying to cope in some way (rather than literal ways I'm trying to cope) so I am grateful for my imagination and look to see if I can figure out anything useful to help me better understand myself and move forward. I try not to let them worry me.

[Rio_]

Thanks for replying, Perna. I guess that's possible. And you're right, at least I live through them! That's good you try not to let them worry you.

[Rio_]

It's happening again.

Last night I was walking to university and got asked the way to my halls of residence by a group of students. I told them, but after they'd thanked me and left it suddenly hit me - what if they weren't students? What if they wanted to attack the place and I came back to carnage and it was all my fault? I know it sounds completely irrational but I was actually quite worried for a while.

I'm scaring myself and it's all my own fault.

[wrenchergirl]

Hi Rio,

I used to have that same thing. Its not things that have happened to you but just these scenes or something. My therapist said that they were manifestations of my mind working through things or trying to communicate something. Talking about them in therapy helped and now I hardly ever get them. Only once in a while do they pop up. Its a really horrible thing. Sometimes the dreams/scenes/whatever they are are horrendous. I thought the same thing about myself for most of my life - what a horrible person I most be to have these awful awful things in my mind.

wrenchergirl

[Rio_]

Thanks for replying, wrenchergirl. Good to know I'm not alone! And I'm glad you managed to get help for them. What your therapist said makes sense, I think.