PTSD Attack Beyond Myself

Trying to have sex with my h triggered an attack that was involuntary and really scary to me. I jumped out of bed, ran to the bathroom, and started crying. But, I was outside my body. Inside, I was not feeling anything. I had jumped out of my skin. My mood swing was 180 degrees in 30 seconds. It was automatic and I feel I can’t control it now.

At least I recouped right away. There was no fight with h this time. I just told him I didn’t want him to touch me. It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t do anything wrong, except he just triggers me. I guess that’s because he doesn’t do it right. I can’t stand the struggle anymore.

I felt like I was trying to please him. I really didn’t even want to be there. It just doesn’t feel right. . PTSD

I’m really, really trying to be here in the moment and not dissociate. But now after having this extreme and involuntary attack, I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to be a loving wife. Why don’t I feel comfortable enough with a man who stuck by me for 25 years?

Sorry to hear this. I don't have any advice but

Did something happen in your past? Does your husband know?

Yes. It’s been a long drawn out train wreck.

My fiance and I had to sit down and talk to each other about what triggers me. Basically, the main rule is my necessity to be in charge 100%. He has to ask me permission to take some control. If your H is willing to work it out with you, sit down and have an open conversation about that sort of thing.

I know it's been a bit since you posted this, how are you doing currently?

Thanks! With me it’s the opposite. I want him to take control, but not in a violent or hurtful way, but sensually. Do you know how futile it is to insist to someone who won’t do something, to do it? I do!

I’m living and trying to enjoy my life. And frankly, he’s not sympathetic to my illness at this point either, never was. If I told you the last incident the other day you would SCREAM. He said something so awful and condescending to me about PTSD, I won’t even say, too TRIGGERING.

I'm sorry TishaBuv, you don't deserve to put up with that.

I have to focus on how he is so loving and good in the ways he is willing to be.

Something similar happened with my partner and I was so worried for her, worried about what I had done. It seemed like hours before she could even really talk about it and then she didn't even know what specifically triggered it. I just tried to be compassionate and hold her through it, but it's something I really want to help her with. What was the best thing he did or could have done for you in this situation?

The way you acted, compassionately, holding her, wanting to help her and solve it with her is exactly the way I wished my husband acted. But he doesn’t, and that is what has led me to bolt out of bed with him.

Hey TishaBuv,
Has this happened in this past? and if so, how did your husband react back then?
You indicated that he does not tolerate your MI well.... which is very unfortunate. I know how much it hurts to have your health problems invalidated by your loved ones.
In any event, I hope you are feeling calmer now.

Have you tried seeing a couples sex therapist?

When I told him I must definitely have PTSD, he said

It really started about 5 years into our marriage. I became turned off to him. Seeing it clearly in hindsight, it was because, well frankly, he was a turn-off. He was angry all the time and obsessed with his very stressful job and he neglected me sexually. He made it awkward and not how I wanted him to be. Of course, it took me a long time to see that. When I told him what I needed, which was him to want me, to reach out for me and hold me, kiss me, turn me on, make love to me at least once a week whether or not I was wearing sexy lingerie or sweat pants. But he wouldn’t/couldn’t and then we got into a whole toxic way.

We’ve been through every therapist there is. I pleaded with him to go to a surrogate and he refused. Nothing would have helped or mattered.

Now I am set on staying with him, but I don’t give a damn anymore about the sex and the love with him. Just thinking about the next time I have to deal with sex with him is giving me anxiety right now. Ugh.

I’m staying because it’s easiest for me and best for me and my kids financially. And because there isn’t any new relationship I think will ever be for me that would be any better. I’m so over men.

PTSD is like I am holding in a scream I want to let out, but I am scared I will never stop screaming.

Are you sure this is only Ptsd? I am sensing some BPD here, although this is merely a personal observation. I am not a mental health professional

Whatever. Shoot me and put me out of my misery.