[MtnTime2896]

There's a difference between people knowing I have PTSD vs seeing it in action. People just knowing about it, I genuinely don't care because it is what it is. But the moment they see me having a flashback, I hate it and all I want to do is hide away out of shame. It's this shame that I can't control myself in, what they see as, a safe environment. I can't just make them forget what they saw, me freaking out, again. I hate it. I'm a private person, I don't want people knowing what's going on inside my house, let alone my head. Having a flashback... it's like they're getting a sneak peak at my shame and disgust. More than that, they're seeing me vulnerable. I'm never to be vulnerable again, unless in the safety of my fiance alone or just by myself.

Does anyone else feel or has felt this way? If so, how do you deal or have delt with it in the past?

[Open Eyes]

When someone struggles with PTSD, the shame they feel is how they can experience a trigger and not be able to control it and make it stop. Society tends to send a constant message of how important it is to gain control over one's emotions and to be ashamed of yourself if you struggle with that.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

When someone struggles with PTSD, the shame they feel is how they can experience a trigger and not be able to control it and make it stop. Society tends to send a constant message of how important it is to gain control over one's emotions and to be ashamed of yourself if you struggle with that.

Society really does call for "full control over one's self and mind". The thing is, how much control does someone really have, not simply over the world around them, but over their own mind? I know I don't have much. Just today, the intrusive memories have been non-stop and I've been dissociating again. So far, no flashbacks, but I know they're going to happen soon. I'm always like this before the flashbacks begin because things in my head just repeatedly trigger them. I hear voices and they tell me things, and then I lose all control. If society understood this, maybe they wouldn't be such dicks about it.

[HD7970GHZ]

Hi,

I just wanted to say that vulnerability is a tricky thing and I relate to how you feel when you get triggered and experience an episode. I feel really vulnerable and worried, like I expect to be betrayed again (like I was so many times in the past). Being vulnerable is scary. I have found that when I am vulnerable it brings out a lot of different reactions in people. Sometimes it allows for a strained relationship to be made stronger; other times it can utterly ruin a relationship and attract abusers.

I am wondering if in addition to shame, you might be experiencing some fear. (You mentioned you never want to be seen vulnerable except in the company of your fiance or yourself). Can you attribute this as a byproduct of trauma?

thanks,
HD7970ghz

[MtnTime2896]

Fear. Definitely fear. When I'm the most vulnerable is when they attack. It's when they pick you apart and strip you of any self respect or dignity. It happened every single time. And I trusted....

I'm sorry.

[KYWoman]

I hate being vulnerable too. It tarnishes my "strong/tough woman" image. I also hate it when others witness an episode in which I have no control over my emotional and physiological reactions. Like you, I prefer to be alone because trying to explain it is just too exhausting especially during or after the episode.

[dlantern]

Surely you got to be losing out on somthing for me it was anxiousness and occoupational not functioning in the best way possible. I think you got to trust someone at least to get to the next thing on what can you do to rebuild your confidence even if at a few things.