[yakmom]

I was married to a man who abused me for 20 years. We divorced 3 weeks before the 21st wedding anniversary.

I was finally able to forgive him for his behaviors about 3 months ago. I sincerely wish him well. He hasn't changed, but I do wish him well.

Now, here's the problem. MOST of his abuse mental, emotional, sexual and so forth was year 14-20 of the marriage. I was literally a prisoner sometimes. That is not being dramatic, it is the facts. I lived in fear/terror for a long time. I could not go out alone w/o feeling I would have to pay for it in some way later. By going out, I mean to the grocery, big box store or even to work. The only place I could go was to church. And even then I had ritualistic behaviors to try to keep me safe. i.e. going into the second bathroom stall and praying. Always had to be the second.

Fast forward to today. I am married to a wonderful man. He is the love of my life and would never harm me in any way. He knows everything about the previous marriage. Everything I can remember. There are still flashbacks sometimes.

My now husband and I have been married almost 15 years. Saturday, I was in a small store and out of nowhere those trapped feelings came. I felt like I was way back in time. I kept reminding me this was not so and so, this was my love. He wouldn't harm me. I felt the cold feeling in my chest that signals a full blown panic attack. I have been on meds for them for a number of years. I just want to cry right now as I type this.

WHY would this happen? One person is nothing like the other. I told my husband about my feelings and he said "I am doing the best I can to show you that I love and cherish you. You are going to have to fix how you feel. I can't do it."

I don't have a counselor. They are few and far between where I live. The last one didn't take my insurance and cost $150/hr. I can't afford that.

Has anyone else here ever had anything like this happen?

[Shazerac]

Having PTSD is kind of like having malaria. It comes and it goes... sometimes for a long time. Then it can come roaring back seemingly out of nowhere. It could be that just being on your own in a store reminded you of how you weren’t allowed to do that before.

My husband now is a wonderful man who would never hurt me. However I still have occasional flash backs to the abuse of my first husband. And that was 30 years ago. It just happens....it’s not his fault and it’s not your fault. If this was just the one incident and you can’t afford therapy maybe just try to let it go...like you randomly got a bad case of the flu.

PTSD sucks. I hope you recover soon. Try to be kind yourself.

[Skeezyks]

Here are links to 3 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, related to the subject of painful past memories, the first by our host, Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D. Perhaps some of the information in them can be of some help:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/learni...ys-to-move-on/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/lettin...ful-over-time/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-r...your-life-now/

Also, since you mentioned that seeing a counselor or therapist is not really an option for you at present, one self-help technique that may be of some benefit would be what is referred to as "compassionate abiding". Here's a link to a description of the practice:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

May it be of benefit.

[Deejay14]

I did find something that interrupts my ptsd...Just recently bought hand soap that smelled really good to me and others up great. The best part is that it cost only 79 cents for an 8 oz bottle. When my bad thoughts start.. I start washing my hands and taking in the smell and feeling the latter works for me. Maybe you could carry a scented hand sanitizer you like the fragrance of in your purse. You could use that any time any where. Walgreens carries some travel size scented hand sanitizers. Worth a shot and it doesn't cost more than a dollar.

[avlady]

Sounds like a good idea Deejay14.

[Unrigged64072835]

I have the same thing happen with my current husband, even though he's nothing like the two abusers. Physical touch can be triggering. My husband mentioned this to my EMDR therapist, and I didn't realize it was a problem.

I'm not sure what to do next.

[yakmom]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

Having PTSD is kind of like having malaria. It comes and it goes... sometimes for a long time. Then it can come roaring back seemingly out of nowhere. It could be that just being on your own in a store reminded you of how you weren’t allowed to do that before.

My husband now is a wonderful man who would never hurt me. However I still have occasional flash backs to the abuse of my first husband. And that was 30 years ago. It just happens....it’s not his fault and it’s not your fault. If this was just the one incident and you can’t afford therapy maybe just try to let it go...like you randomly got a bad case of the flu.

PTSD sucks. I hope you recover soon. Try to be kind yourself.

Thank You so Much. I wish it would just go away. Thanks again. Yak.

[yakmom]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Here are links to 3 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, related to the subject of painful past memories, the first by our host, Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D. Perhaps some of the information in them can be of some help:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/learni...ys-to-move-on/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/lettin...ful-over-time/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-r...your-life-now/

Also, since you mentioned that seeing a counselor or therapist is not really an option for you at present, one self-help technique that may be of some benefit would be what is referred to as "compassionate abiding". Here's a link to a description of the practice:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

May it be of benefit.

I will look into these. Thank You so much. I have such trouble being "kind" to myself in this life I live. Always giving. I really don't know how. Thanks again.

[yakmom]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

I have the same thing happen with my current husband, even though he's nothing like the two abusers. Physical touch can be triggering. My husband mentioned this to my EMDR therapist, and I didn't realize it was a problem.

I'm not sure what to do next.

I would love to talk with someone. A p.doc would be best. But, as I said, I live in a rural area close to a bigger rural area and so forth. This forum has been as close as I've gotten to "talking" since last November. Thanks so much.
I hope we both get better soon.

[yakmom]

Still feeling the same. Wish someone would reply.

[BoBoPeeps]

Originally Posted by yakmom

WHY would this happen? One person is nothing like the other. I told my husband about my feelings and he said "I am doing the best I can to show you that I love and cherish you. You are going to have to fix how you feel. I can't do it."


Has anyone else here ever had anything like this happen?

I am sorry you are going through this. My husband is nothing like my abuser but he triggers me all of the time!!!

The way it happens is that there could be one small, seemingly insignificant similarity between something that happens between you and your husband or something that happens in the environment. Our brains are so sensitive to looking for that original danger, so anything remotely like any detail of the trauma could be a possible trigger.

For example, for a long time, I have had extreme anxiety about anyone entering my house unless it is spotless. It doesn't matter if I think they aren't judging me. If someone showed up at my door with my house a mess I would go into a panic. I finally figured it out one day. It is probably reasonable for a normal person to feel slightly embarrassed or uncomfortable to see their bed unmade or their house messy. That's normal. Some people might feel like they have to shove the clutter aside to close the door of a messy room. For me, the embarrassment and the secrecy reminded me of the shame and secrecy I felt when I was living with my abuser. I was carrying this big secret as a kid. Fast forward to adult life, when I would try to hide the fact that I had dirty dishes in the sink, it triggered me into feeling the same feelings of hiding the secret of my abuse. Being embarrassed by dirty dishes is very minor compared to being ashamed of being abused. However, hiding the dirty dishes caused me to feel the same exact emotions of hiding the abuse.

It is possible that some harmless thing about your husband or the situation had some slight similarity to the trauma you experienced. It triggered you.

You are doing the right thing by reaching out for help. The sooner you process through the trigger the better so that it doesn't develop into a bigger trigger.

[BoBoPeeps]

Originally Posted by yakmom

I will look into these. Thank You so much. I have such trouble being "kind" to myself in this life I live. Always giving. I really don't know how. Thanks again.

Since you say you have trouble being as kind to yourself as you are to others, it sounds like you may have trouble with boundaries. This is completely understanding since you were conditioned to hold your abuser's every whim as having the utmost importance.

I would suggest researching the topic of boundaries and trying to improve this area of your life. I have noticed that as I have improved my ability to have boundaries, I am able to handle the triggers better. I often get triggered by poor customer service because it has to do with going to someone for help. When I was a kid, I told an adult I was being abused and they didn't help me. I have noticed that when I have stronger boundaries, and someone is not being a good helper, like with bad customer service, I can recognize that the way they are doing their job is their choice and is not up to me. I can't always expect others to things to accommodate my sensitivities. And the way another person behaves has nothing to do with my safety. It helps me to diffuse the unsafe feelings I experience and to say to myself, "Ohh, it's 'just' a flashback. It's not real." But being a people pleaser, where you feel responsible for others, but don't take responsibility in caring for yourself is a sign that you might benefit from develop good boundaries.

[BoBoPeeps]

Originally Posted by Deejay14

I did find something that interrupts my ptsd...Just recently bought hand soap that smelled really good to me and others up great. The best part is that it cost only 79 cents for an 8 oz bottle. When my bad thoughts start.. I start washing my hands and taking in the smell and feeling the latter works for me. Maybe you could carry a scented hand sanitizer you like the fragrance of in your purse. You could use that any time any where. Walgreens carries some travel size scented hand sanitizers. Worth a shot and it doesn't cost more than a dollar.

Yes! I swear by aromatherapy! I always have essential oils with me at all times. Another cool thing you can do is pair aromatherapy with other coping techniques like deep breathing, yoga, journaling etc. I think it enhances the benefit. The part of the brain that processes smells is the same part that regulates our memory and stress response. It's no coincidence that a good smelling soap has helped you! That's awesome!

[BoBoPeeps]

Originally Posted by yakmom

I would love to talk with someone. A p.doc would be best. But, as I said, I live in a rural area close to a bigger rural area and so forth. This forum has been as close as I've gotten to "talking" since last November. Thanks so much.
I hope we both get better soon.

I have found online therapy to be very helpful. Food for thought!