Threw the sheep's eyes:
I was not going to post this....Because I felt like I was putting myself out here with out my wool on. LOL

.I have been up since 4 am going back and forth with it in my head. Then I remembered the day my grandfather passed away. That happened in Feb too. My aunt called to tell me. So I called my mom right away. Thinking she would be really upset. "The way things went in our house was you ignored them"
Anyway, she said yes hes gone, I am good, talk later your fathers going to be on the radio, I want to listen. "my only thought was what the heck???" I had forgotten that till this morning......
When I was young I was the one who always said what I felt; that was something you were not suppose to do;

Dear Mom
Its been 7 years.....Wanted to catch you up on a few things since you
left. Your granddaughter was 13 when you left. Shes all grown going to
college, You would be so proud. Grandson, well he was 10, one more
year of school for him now. He can talk now Mom, He can read too,
Going to a good school. They both miss you alot.
Your other daughter is clean now. Living near me. Has got to know her
niece and nephew some. She has some brain damage but, well you know I
keep taking care of her.
I guess you know Auntie is gone too, brain cancer you know....she is
with you now. Your all together...That was a hard day for me she tryed
to take care of me after you left....

I have a few questions if you have time? When I was young, why the
beating, I really can not remember..just sorta, Why all the
drinking...was it that bad? Maybe huh?
When Dad had his break down...why did I have to grow up that day? I was 12...
To much you know for a 12 year old...I would do it again...cause I do love you.
Why were there so many secrets for me to find out after, why not
tell the truth while you were here...?
Why did I always feel so small and then tryed to make myself that way?
Why was I always told I had not done things right?
When I was the one you left in charge, to care for you....Thou I
would do it again....
This ones a biggy "sorry" why did you and Dad stand bye and watch
him hurt me so....the bruises , the jaw, the eyes, the ears that were
bruised? You knew..ppl told you? I was 19 or 20? When he shot a gun at
me....well....just wondering?
When Dad had his second one again, how come it was made to be my fault?
It wasn't .....I had to grow up...that's part of life....
Another "biggy" when the person who lives upstairs" NOT god Ppl"
blamed me for son having autism ...why did you agree?
All these things I forgive....because I just do ..still hurts...but
...well its in the past...
I was going to write more but have lost my notes and somehow the
questions are not as important anymore............

I truly loved you and dad both or I would not have cared for you
since i was 12. LOL
I would not have brought you here to pass......I would not have put
the kids threw that...if I did not love you "no matter what I did"

I know you loved me, cause you waited to die with everyone gone from the house. Just you and me. I have never screamed so long in my life........and then made the call and told them "my moms gone and I am alone" please help.........they were there in minutes I think............
Please understand I loved both my parents so much. So writing this was very hard......My world stood still the day she passed on.....It hurt so bad..I could only cry.....while i was alone with her after the screaming stopped.......many mixed emotions or postum notes...........am crying you know those big tears
thats all I gotta say folks , Please no one be upset......some things well everything for a reason .........
Rest in peace Mom...........the little one"as they use to call me"

[nowheretorun]

for the 'little one' ... (((muffy)))) ... you are all grown up now....

[Juliaspavlov]

(((((((Muffy)))))))

You are there for us can we be there for you


we will stand under the umbrella in the rain with you
for as long as it takes....Jjulia

I cried while reading............. Hugs to you.

[katheryn]

awwwwwwwwwww muffy you did good

(((((((((((((((muffy))))))))))))))))

[therealme]

(((((((((((((((the little one)))))))))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))

[selfy]

*(((((((((((((((((((((((((fluffly sheepy one)))))))))))))))))))))))))*
dont worry muffy, your never alone. were always here. and i am literally lol ok?
take good care muffles.
dot

[snowflake_48888]

(((muffy))))
I am so glad that you are working thru the hurts. You have grown so much. You are loved much.....
Snowy

((((nowheretorun))))
(((julia))))
(((tishie)))
((((kathy)))
(((trm)))
(((fuzzy))
(((selfy)))
(((snow)))
The hardest thing in my life was to lose them, even thou they hurt me from time to time.........
But i gained all of you........ty

the hardest part today was holding my sister up today, the second was not reminding my kids...this was the first year they forgot as they should.......as it hurt my son really bad, to watch his grandmother die
My daughter, the pillar she pretends to be,,,,,,,,,today she was free of it........

To the ppl who helped me today......you do not know how much it meant............ty

[Perna]

I hate those anniversary remembrances that seem to sneak up on you without one willing them. I spent nearly all nine years with my T, 1996-2005 with her going away each Christmas and having a hard time independent of that for some reason. It just didn't help that she was away but didn't feel like she was the cause. I finally realized it probably had to do with the last Christmas I spent with my mother before she died, Christmas 1953! What a heck of a thing to have buried for 50 years and to have to spend so many years working to resolve.

I'm glad you gave your daughter a rest. I wish you could have had a rest before your parents died. It's so hard to do all the work with the hurts, like Snowflake says. I'm sure all of us would love to help any way you can think to ask us to.

[(JD)]

[wickedwings]

((((((((sweet muffy))))))))))

[chalmette70043]

((((Muffy))))) I love ya my friend, my confidant. Your a strong and loving soul. You make me want to do better, all around.

I again send you my condolences for the passing of your parents and other loved ones. I know its hard to get past the fact you wont hold their hand again. And you've grown to have so many questions unanswered and accept that they will be, just not now.

It's hard, seemingly impossible to say goodbye. Whether in life or in death. I remember the last few minutes i spent with my grandfather. He'd been incoherent for a few days. Just staring off into space and whispering things none of us could understand. But, that last day, I sat there next to him lying in bed. I saw his eyes. I saw what his eyes saw. I grabbed his hand, just hoping he'd feel my touch. I leaned in, close to his ear and i told him its okay. We are all okay. We will be fine and keep going. You won't be forgotten. I told him to go. I told him dont wait any longer. I said my grandmother is waiting for you. She wants you to come home. He squeezed my hand and i looked at his face. He had one single tear drop from his eye. I kissed my paw paw and told him one last time how much i loved him and said to let go. He did. He went to be with his wife.

I had things i wish i would have told him. But i couldnt do it. And now today, those things still weigh heavy on me.

So, Muffy, together, we can work through this pain and come out better than who we were then.

And i love ya, whether you in wools clothing or not.

chalmette

[SweetSunshine]

Muffymom~

We never know what life is going to hand us. I am sorry that life dealt you this hand. But I am so very proud of you for growing as much as you have while you've been here at PC. Its been very inspiring to see. Nothing that was done to you was your fault. I understand the questions you have. And I believe someday they will get answered. We just need to pull strength that others give us for now while finding more strenth from within ourselves to get us thru. Your doin good hon. Dont ever doubt yourself. And remember I'm always here for you.

Hugz
Bethy

((((((perna))))))))))))))))ty awwww
(((sky)))))ty
((wickedwings)))))ty
((((chalm)))))my friend there is no doubt in my head that you will not make it ,,,,,,,,,I am so proud of you!
((((((sweet)))))) ty you so much for being a friend

To everyone here , you are the kindest group. So much support.
I am so very lucky to have all of you!
2 ppl kept thier comps on all day for me in case i needed them. To those 2 ty is not enough!
Nobody has ever done anything so nice and caring for me......ty

I am late in posting... and am so sorry..

all of this love is for you... and ((((little Muffy))))

((((freewill)))))
My dear you are never late
You are right on time
thank so much...I know you understand

[DocClyde]

(((Muffy)))

You are so strong and brave. Like with Chalmy, I am so proud of you. You both are so brave by putting yourself out there, but as I told you, people are so supportive and understanding if you allow them to be.

I am very glad to have you as a friend.

Keep on writing and anytime you need me, PM me or yell at me

[Rapunzel]

(((( Muffy ))))

I am touched by your understanding of the difficult things in your life, and your willingness to forgive. Wow.

Rap

(((((clyde)))))))))))
thank you so much. with out your help I could not have posted it
ty

((((((((((Rap)))))))))))))))
I really than you for your kind words .......Its the only way i know how to move on is forgive..........have had to forgive me too
thank you so much

[wanttoheal]

Oh ((((((((((((Muffy))))))))))) I just read this. Thank you for trusting us enough to share this with us. So much peace is wished for you today.

((((wanttoheal)))))))
thank you
I do trust you guys ty

[ziggy1]

(((((MUFFY)))) Big HUGS! Thankyou for Sharing that Muffy you are

such a strong Individual.....You have made me laugh and now you

brought tears to my eyes (which is all good). I kind of know what

you went through and what your going through now...Forgiving is

good yes...I had such a Hard time with forgiving my mom & dad for

the things that were allowed and the Denial, embarrassment, the

whole situation! A whole other story but I'm always here if u

need to Rant, rave, or just Laugh our heads off!!!