Still Feeling The Fear

Ya know, even though my ex is the whole way across the other side of the US....I still get online and feel that fear that he's lurking...watching every tiny little thing that I'm posting...everything I say--nothing is safe.

Even here on PC I get so afraid that he will get on here and find me and stalk me more and more like this parasite...infecting each and every part of my life again. I wish I could leave him behind but just the fact that I know he's out there somewhere trying to get to me scares the hell out of me.

Like I have a facebook account and so does he. Well every once in awhile I get these little notices in my email saying he's voted me as a favorite match on one of the applications on there. And it's not like it hasn't been recent...that's happened within the last couple of weeks! Maybe I'll just cancel my facebook account...that way I don't even have to deal with it!

Just anything with his name and I get so scared...like I'll never be safe again...

((((((((( TaintedGoth1)))))))))))

I've been stalked also online. It worked for me to take down my blog and anything else that he could publically get to me through. If you do this, you can make copies of all your writing etc. first.

The Working to Halt Online Abuse group helps too.
http://www.haltabuse.org/resources/online.shtml

I personally had to reclaim my own rights and safety, I had to take back my power. In my case I needed to close down my personal blog so as to not have to deal with any of his comments and other attempts to contact me, I changed my email address, I changed my nicknames and patterns online.

I closed the metaphorical door. My case was such that I was in contact with police about what was going on.

I had to give myself a break from even looking at anything to do with him, he had his own web site and was active online, I had to not even look.

I also had to practice lots of ways to soothe and calm myself. Healthy distraction, activities offline, fun books, new hobbies etc.

Otherwise I became more hypervigilant, my anxiety increased, and the whole cycle built more and more.

Do you have a therapist to talk with about this? Are you in any type of support group?

I've blocked him from seeing my stuff online...quit all the sites he was a member of and everything! That's pretty much why I came back to PC....I quit all the other support forums because of him and I felt I had nowhere to go and other than my therapist, I didn't have any real support at all.

I only go to one other support forum, which is for victims of abuse. I'm pretty tight with the owner of the board and she knows about him and everything...she won't let him on the site at all. Once he did get in but I told her right away about it (stupid idiot left himself signed in on the computer and we were still in the same house at the time but not together as a couple) and she banned him right away. Her site is completely private and nobody can see what's on her site if they're not a member.

I got a whole new email, changed all my passwords and everything like that. It's just I don't know who to trust right now, ya know? I even deleted people from my life who were even connected with him in any way shape or form...even if I really liked them.

It's just difficult trying to get rid of this fear, ya know?

I definitely understand. Time helped me eventually along with working really hard to refocus my attention. Wasn't easy and probably to some degree will always be with me.

I really like the book The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect us from Violence by Gavin de Becker, I found a copy at my public library, he writes eloquently about how to keep ourselves safe without having to deal with tons of anxiety. The Dark Side of the Internet by Paul Bocij also really helpful.

What helps you when you are experiencing a lot of fear? Some things that help me is to make sure that I've eaten something, that I'm not drinking too much coffee, B complex vitamins help my stress level too, I make sure that the doors and windows are all locked tight, I light a candle to represent safety and calm to me, hot baths help, and any type of pleasant distraction. Sometimes I had to just take complete breaks from online activity for awhile.

yeah thats freaky!

(((TaintedGoth)))

I know this isn't exactly the same thing, but...

I decided to get rid of an abusive friend last August and I stopped replying to her texts, not answering her calls, nothing. She was, however, insisting on trying to contact me all the time.

I bet that she still would if I hadn't gotten myself a new number, e-mail, everything.

I also did like you did, cut out all the friends that were connected to her, even though these friends were important to me.

Just posted this to let you know you're not alone and that I think you did the right thing. =)

I think it's a good idea to close your facebook for now. You can always go back once you feel safe to do so. Too much information out there isn't good, and you're afraid from someone you know, what about the strangers you don't who get info too? Once you cut ties completely, he will eventually find some one else to follow about.

I'm sorry you are so scared. As long as you are scared of him you won't be able to "leave him behind."
Why do a little (VERY little) reverse lurking? Do you have a way to be sure that he is still that far away?
If so, use it from time to time. Then take other time to assure yourself that yes, this was a bad relationship, but now you are safe and no longer in it. Reassure yourself of the safety precautions you do take, and feel safer. (((hugs)))

I know how you feel. I am with that when I ever see anything that has my exs name..The fear of him coming back and hurting me is hard to deal with, I try to forget everything about him but I can't help it I still shake when I hear his name or when I see someone that looks like him

((((((((((((TaintedGoth1)))))))))))) May you be safe.

Thanks everyone.

I do do a little reversal every now & then...but not often.