[bchlyn]

i have a dx of ptsd, panic disorder and i guess a few more but when i freaked out over the ptsd my t stopped telling me... anyway could you explain to me what the difference between a memory and a flashback is?... are flashbacks real?... and if so how do you make them stop?... can you have a flashback that your aware of everything happening around you but you are overwhelmed by feelings from when the abuse happened? i don't know if i am making any sense... but right now i feel like what is happening has more control over me then i do...lyn

For me, a flashback is like a lightning strike. As if I get struck by it and it lifts me off my feet and slams back into the past, right in the middle of one of my traumas.

I lose touch with the present and the only surroundings I am aware of are the ones in my flashback. I only know it's not "real" when I am suddenly slammed back into the present.

Now I have had it happen that I get slammed back into a trauma, lose touch with my current surroundings etc, and when I come back I find it was a traumatic memory I had buried for years and had no recollection of it, yet I relived it just like a flashback. So it's like a double whammy.

[bchlyn]

yeah... i am really having a hard time with them right now... but i had a really odd thing happen when i was at my t's office 2 weeks ago... he was reading something that had happened to me 20 years ago... and i got sucked into it... but i knew i was in my t office... not aware of much more.... except complete fear and panic... he kept asking me what i was feeling and i told him scared... he kept asking me if i knew i was safe with him in his office... i did but i couldn't get out of the fear... it was the same fear connected with that memory... since then i keep picturing that memory... and go into the worst panic attacks i have ever experienced... when it happens i can't get out of the fear... i didn't know if that was a flashback.... or am i really loosing it? lyn

[Kiya]

Lyn - I would say that is a flashback. Talk with t - see if you can work on de-sensitizing it so that it doesn't keep throwing you for a loop. I know they are hard to deal with, but if you can work with them, you'll be the better for it. Start with saying the facts about today when they hit; your name, your current age, where you are, the details of the place, the year.... it helps to start getting you grounded and know that you are not in the past. Seems really stupid and i myself put it off for ...oh... 5 years. but now i find it helps. It interrupts the synapses (thoughts) of the brain.

((((((((lyn)))))))))

[bchlyn]

i see my t tomorrow... i think i am going to ask him if we can slow down a bit... things are too hard right now... to keep pushing... i think we need to keep looking at what we covered last week before adding more... i will talk to him about the flashbacks... and panic attacks... thanks for your help... lyn

[Kiya]

Hon, i think that's a real good idea!!! Keep posting, k? let us know how you're doing!!

[Angel_of_the_Past]

I have to agree with Orange Blossom-it's like a bolt of lightening. I'm blasted right back to where it was happening, I'm completely unaware of everything except being right in the middle of the trauma. Then something changes and I'm back to the current. Usually something triggers it to start (a smell,a sound, a feeling), but sometimes I don't know what starts it. It makes me feel so crazy, when it first happened I was ready to go the ER and be admitted for hallucinations.

[bchlyn]

yeah

[Angel_of_the_Past]

I think if I knew when they were coming and could be prepared for them it wouldn't be so bad. But it happens right out of the blue and in the most inopportune situations. People around me don't know what to do-it kinda freaks them out because "I'm gone".

[bchlyn]

yeah... my t tells me that i am good at hiding when it happens... so now he checks in with me more often... i just don't want to do this anymore... lyn

[Kiya]

((((((((((Lyn))))))))))
I hope by now you've stopped looking at that file. Can you take a therapy break? Hit the beach, do somethings you enjoy?

[bchlyn]

we took a break last week... mandatory so to speak because of my blowing it and si... i don't think he will let me miss t this week... for the same reason... but not sure when he will want to start up with the report again... he wasn't thrilled that i followed through with the urges and didn't attempt anything in our safety plan... and i am not sure what he meant when he said "it's my job to make sure you are safe" guess i will find out when i go on Thursday... if he was going to do anything to drastic i don't think he would have let me leave last week... but he was really upset... lyn

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Your T will probably revamp the old safety contract then set some more expectations. I think when we "slip up" they see it as/feel it was a "failure" on their part. Specially if they truly care about their client. I know my T feels disappointed when I "slip up". Trust me, I "slip up "make mistakes" all the time.

[Kiya]

((((((((((((lyn))))))))))))
I'm glad t cares so much!
hang in there k?!!

[bchlyn]

thank you.... this morning in t he didn't bring too much up about my not sticking to my safety plan... he did ask how my arm was healing.

i have a little boy who is on the autism spectrum... today he was really over stimulated and at one point he began climbing on me and all at once lunged at me and started chocking me... he really caught me of guard... and sent me into a major panic... not sure why... but what was strange was that as he was choking me... and the fear triggered major panic... i don't think anyone noticed... because i was able to get to my office...i have never reacted like that before... it was really hard to stay present....lyn

[Kiya]

Oh my gosh!! Are you ok? Did you have flashbacks that went with it?

That reminds me when I was working preschool, i had this lil tyke who was the biggest kid there. He got in trouble for pushing another kid off a bike and i came down to his level to be at eye contact with him. And he raised his hands to hit me - and i flinched and fell over.... from a 2 yr old. Likewise, no one noticed. But it sent me into a panic.

I can understand that it would be hard to stay present during and after that experience. How are you now?

[bchlyn]

i am ok... i work with kids that are at high risk... so it's not unusual for them to lash out at me... and normally i am able to deal with it fine... not sure why i was so triggered... lyn